Anxiousness and stress when kids with their dad

[peppajay]

I have had problems for a long time with getting my husband to look after the kids so I can go out with friends or do something without the kids. My son has aspergers so when he doesn't feel comfortable he gets very anxious which makes his behaviour very erratic he has lots of fears that I can deal with and aren't as prominently noticeable with me but really show with DH. I hav only ever left them a handful of times with their dad and every time something has gone wrong which DH hasn't been able to cope with. My DD who doesn't usually show any signs of anxiousness now feels really sick when she is left with her dad - she feels really sick but knows she can't be sick as her little brother has an irrational fear of sick and she goes all dizzy and hot and then panics my son which sets my hubby into meltdown. He won't look after the kids at home where they prob feel a bit safer as he will always end up doing jobs rather than entertaining them and when they are with him which is very rare they want his full attention so if he takes them out he has to interact. Anyway to cut a long story short after another disastrous day yesterday where the anxiousness from all 3 of them reached a new level - my daughter has pleaded with me never to leave them with him again as she has to keep everyone calm and stop the stress and it makes her feel sick. I have just realised that is how I feel when we are all out together and it is horrible but I am an adult and she is 8. So instead of just trying to make my husband man up and get on with looking after his own kids do I have to listen to my 8 yr old and not leave them with him again. It's a sad situation that I can't leave then with their own dad bit it is making everyone ill!

I have a temporary offering for you but it won't help your situation out with regards to getting time off for yourself in the short term.

If things carry on the way they are currently are, worst case the ex may just get more stressed out. Why not try to split the kids up for meetings with dad. Then the kids can get the special time they need. If your 8 year old is struggling, why don't you suggest that you send one child at a time. This way you get time to offer each child individually which they will benefit from. That way, when you try sending them both together again, say 6 months later, everyone may have become readjusted?

Getting one to one time with your kids when you are split up is essential. I did this on and off and now that the kids are in their early twenties, I see the benefits of it. I can still go shopping with my daughter in her own and have a close relationship. And I also have a special bond with my son two because we used to go to football together with the kids grandad when he was younger. The kids also get to realise that they are just one person two. Just break it all down a bit and try again more slowly..... Just some advice?

I didn't read it that they were separated - just that the OP's DH can't cope with his children.

We aren't seperated - although we may as well be as we do very little together as a family!!

Apologies, your quite right, I misunderstood. But the same principle could apply. Try time alone with each child and then maybe hubby everyone will feel a bit more comfortable. Just a suggestion. I am not in your shoes and really feel for you. Hopefully you will gets a response who understands your dillema. D x

Uh, this is uncomfortable to even bring up, but your children's behavior around your DH is very similar to what I have seen from children who are being sexually abused by their fathers. PLEASE, please, have your children evaluated for abuse, even though I know you probably will say "no, he could never!". Many children have no idea how to express the horrible feelings they're having except through huge amounts of anxiety and begging the other parent to never leave them alone with the abusive parent. Kind of scared for your DCs. This is not normal behavior. More than one in ten children are sexually abused, mostly by parents--don't think this couldn't happen to you, because your kids are operating right by the playbook.

Heavens wombofonesown..... You may need to understand Aspergers. Then maybe you would understand peppajays dillema. That's quite a big statement to make there. Hold back with the scary stuff hey?