Im a terrible mom, I dont know if I can do this anymore

[triosmom]

Hey all.
I cant say dont judge me, I cant say dont think Im just throwing myself a pity party, I just know I love my children but I feel how I feel and need somewhere to put these feelings down before I go crazy.

When I was a preteen my oldest brother died, and I was left to be a caretaker emotionally for my mother while she coped with the death of one son and the other getting in trouble with the law. We moved and I became very isolated and didnt make any friends, kept to myself.

When I was 20, after the isolation and loneliness as well as being a caretaker for my mother in my teens, I met a man whom I thought was my knight in shining armor, my blessing after the selflessness of caring for others for so many years. I see now (btw he wasnt a blessing, he turned out to have severe Narcissist Personality Disorder + was an emotional abuser) that my isolation was an easy mark for him, and I was just easy prey.

Fast forward 6 years, after being emotionally abused, breaking up/getting back together/cycle of abuse + dysfunction 3 times, courts for custody, cops for his rages, being pregnant and alone/forgotten by him during 2 of my pregnancies until I gave birth and was easy prey again to be spun into his web of games. Loving him 100% and having him manipulate that fact into using me as emotional toilet paper.

If anyone has been through an emotional abusive relationship (esp narcissist- they are a special type of psychopath) you will understand what I mean when I say that by the end of it I felt like a pumpkin that had been scraped clean, empty and hurt.

Realizing that for the past 6 years I had never been loved by the man I kept returning to in hopes that my children could have a father in their life and a family with a mom and dad, that I had handed myself to someone who would destroy me happily was damaging. But I have accepted this, and I no longer feel anything for him, I see that (even now, after cheating on me) when he tries to play the same pull and push game, I can see right through him and pretend he is just a stranger who never knew who I was (which is truth)

I accept that I thought I was creating a family with a man I loved, but the reality is that I am a single mother of three boys (6, 2 1/2 + 10 months) and will never have closure for the last 6 years.

He takes them everyother weekend, my mom has been helping greatly with my oldest as he needs more outings and stimulation (schools out right now) then the babies. He is visiting with her for a few days.

I am personally feel like I am an old car that is breaking down bit by bit. I feel like a terrible terrible mother. I hardly have the energy after cleaning/cooking/changing/potty training/laundry and everyone wanting my attention to take them out for walks/socialization. The baby crying and teething, the toddler needing me to enstill boundaries and entertain him constantly, my oldest acting out because mom is exhausted and is giving too many warnings instead of putting his butt in timeout because she doesnt want to deal with his tantrum.

Everyday I feel my mind breaking down a bit more, the stress of the kids causing my mind to disassociate (if you are cooking dinner and the baby is crying but you cant pick him up because you need to put something in the stove and the toddler is crying because he wants your attention but you need to get dinner done now, trust me, your mind will disassociate slightly as a survival mechanism) and my body to shake. I get confused alot mid action, and I feel I am constantly imploding. Sometimes I have to go upstairs and cry and ask creator why everyday is so hard.

Just taking my 10 month old upstairs to change clothes, changing his diapers and potty training/changing my toddlers pull up/ and daily life is becoming physically exhausting. After being emotionally abused and now physically exhausted and overwhelmed is putting me into a depression that has me begging for a quiet death every night. That my kids would have 6 figures (life insurance) and a life without me being stressed and sad, begging them to calm down, snapping on them and being too tired to give them a fun childhood is a good thought to me.

Everyday I wakeup and do my best, but I feel like I am swimming a race with three beautiful boys on my back and I am struggling to breathe, let alone swim. I dont feel like my best is nearly good enough. I just want to disappear and be nothing. I dont know how to make friends or start over in a social sense. I am too tired to keep relationships with others going and nurtured. But I know my children need friends and community.

I feel like a failure. That I made a life changing mistake at 19 allowing myself to love that man and now my poor babies have to pay for my delusions. Throughout the day I think to myself "I cant do this, this is too hard, I dont want to do this anymore, im dying" but I keep going.

I have been thinking of leaving the boys with my mom/their dad and leaving her my savings and car and just disappearing, committing suicide or anything to remove my pathetic self from the influence of my innocent children. Would they be better in foster care? Would they be better without me? I see no pros to them being raised by me, all I see is what I dont do, what they could have, what they need that I am not providing, and I do not know what to do.

Im sorry this is waay too long, but like the title says, I dont know if I can do this anymore. I dont know if I can raise three children on my own after digging the four of us out of the hell we were living in with my figernails.

I am spent. I am empty. How do I keep going when my personal reserve of hope/strength/determination and love are barely keeping me afloat, nevermind filling up my three boys in their most influential development stage.

I thank anyone who took the time to read this. I havent had a lot of support from other mothers, never had mommy friends (i have always been too busy trying to figure out/fix a broken relationship and change myself to make things better)

I personally am so confused on how to have a connection with anyone anymore. I just say thank you for your time. Take care.

You sound like my Mum - raising three of us, all on her own. I'm in my 40's and she is still my hero. She battled, fought and won something similar to what you've dealt with and, my God, she's inspirational. As you are to your children.

Instead of seeing the negatives, can you share with us some achievements? Your proudest parenting moments and anything you're super proud of your boys for. That'll give you some more perspective.
Keep going - you're doing a truly amazing job, even if you need reminding now and then. Proper, full-on hugs from here, too.

Trio your last message seems much more positive, I hope you are feeling more positive inside too. Xxx

Wow that brought tears to my eyes, You are most certainly not a terrible mum, your indepth description of how you feel is heart breaking but very honest. Your a credit to your boys. Ive no direct advice but the childcare sounds like it will give you a well earned break, time for you, Find who you are and what you enjoy. Maybe make friendships in time, schools/nurseries alot of other mums, all with some issue/problem on the inside. We're all busy but no one is perfect.
I dont know where you are but here is a virtual hug for you. Chin up xx

On the off chance you come back to this post I am in awe of you for coming on here and being so brutally honest and I wish I could hug you.

I am also in awe that you have left that pathetic excuse of a human being and to me I can tell you are a fabulous mum. You do everything you can and you still worry that it's not enough which to me shows that they are 100% absolutely most definitely and without a doubt better being brought up by the wonderful mummy that you are.

I only have one baby and find her a struggle and you are bringing up three! Well done you darling! Please give yourself credit and award yourself. Make sure you take relaxing baths, stuff your face with choc and tea when they're all asleep. Buy a magazine. Put on some empowering music and dance away. Just do anything to give yourself that time for YOU at any opportunity (even if it means ordering a take away). All us mamas need it!

I agree with others that you should speak to a doctor but other than that it sounds like you are a courageous powerful woman and you are doing a fabulous job. Make sure you tell yourself that!

Sending you some cyber love
xxx

@Preminstreltension, thank you for your response. My little guys are amazing (and a handful :) and I love them each so much.

My oldest, middle name Thunder is Mr. Energy and Mr. Personality. He thrives in social enviroments, he just loves going out and doing things.

He is very talented musically, his favorite series is Star Wars (the original, not really into the reboot cartoons) and he can sing you every(instrumental) song in Star Wars (he is starting on the Jurassic Park theme now). His voice is like an orchestra. I want to get him into guitar soon (he is 6 in October) as I like the portability and creativity he has once he learns the basics.

He is also Mr. Helper and watches over his little brothers when mommy needs a second pair of eyes for a moment.

My middle man, middle name Lightning, is a bit slower paced than Thunder (and 3 1/2 yrs younger) but he keeps up with his older brother and I am really seeing a strong bond building between them.

Because we dont get out everyday, and im always doing two things at once, they have started relying on each other for entertainment. Instead of fighting all the time(which they still do) they also laugh and play quite well.

My baby boy, middle name Rain, has taken to crawling and standing/ loves physical excersise.

The older two are quite gentle with him and know he is the baby, but those two interact like equals (despite the age difference) with Lightning being more of Thunders ally than 'baby brother'.

I can tell (from having two babies previous) that his energy level is right in the middle of the older two. He watches Thunder and Lightning play/fight/interact and he just laughs and claps his hands, as if he cant wait until he can join the tumble.

Sometimes I cant believe that one day three grown men with three different lives + personalities will branch out in this world, and those paths began here, with me.

@jessica3692, thank you for your kind words. I am really going to try and put everything into perspective and realize my best is my best, but its hard sometimes when your mom guilt and perfectionism team up against you.

I was so stressed with my first. Everything was new, outcomes hadnt been played out in my mind to rely on in times of pressure. You tune into every cry and cant judge correctly whether its just a whine or if you need to intervene. I was stressed, but now im like "Oh the good ole days of having one!" Lol

One was hard as everything was new, two was hard but manageable (two hands, only dual multitasking, the oldest was potty trained/could talk/understood boundaries)

Three is hard. Physically and emotionally, and because my youngest two are only 18 months apart. In few years, things will calm as they will phase out of little kid/physical parenting about the same time. So I just need to hold onto something while the storm passes (my beautiful Thunder, Lightning + Rain storm)

Thank you again for your encouragement. Take care.

You sound like a fantastic Mum who has way too much on her plate. You need to seek help for how you are feeling and what you have been through.

Ok now listen here triosmum. You've just drawn a beautifully detailed picture of your boys, who they are, what they need, how they interact. You've observed them and captured them beautifully - better than anyone else on earth ever could. That's because you've poured your life into creating them, caring for them, raising them, understanding them. That's exactly what a good mother does. That's what you are.

I know you're exhausted and you don't know how to go on. But that's precisely because your delivering your heart and soul to your boys. And on top of that you've used up every scrap of strength hauling them out of a bad situation. You must pause and realise what you have achieved for yourself and for them.

And although it feels like you're struggling you're not failing them. Your boys are safe and happy enough to connect with each other and have fun together. I understand you feel you should be doing more for them but they sound full of life and fun. My guess is they are fine but you are not. Please think about yourself and what you need and how you can take pride in what you have rather than the "mistakes" you made.

These early years are tough but things do get easier as the babies grow up - one day you'll throw the changing mat away, and the buggy, and all the other clobber. One day you'll even be able to skip out of the house with all three of them and just pop to the shops and no one will cry or urgently need the toilet half way there or accidentally break stuff in the shop! please do get the extra help you are being offered to get you through this rough phase. And keep posting for help on here. I have found it invaluable.

Love their names btw

You should definitely put them in childcare if given the chance or get more help to get some time for yourself; 3 kids for a single person is very hard and you need to grasp any opportunity of help; your children need a healthy mum and will need you for a long time; they do not need a 6 figures insurance; you need to speak to the GP and health visitor and try to get full time childcare if possible; do not try to do everything yourself; it is impossible. They will be better. Off having some other adults and then a relaxed mum and healthy mum in the evenings and weekends to spend time with them.