Preteen DD - do I leave her alone or keep trying?

[LucasNorthsTwiglets]

DD is 12yo and horrible for much of the time :( She's not naughty or mean or anything like that - she's just angry about everything, very negative, extremely argumentative and just basically makes it very clear that she thinks everything I do and say is wrong and that she can't be bothered to talk to me. Fine, that's a teenager's job, but do I give her her space, as she seems to want, or do I keep trying? I feel like I need to keep trying (she needs to see unconditional love from me and all that) but it seems that our every interaction turns into an argument (as much my fault as hers, I know). Part of me thinks that if I leave her alone then she will come back to me when her hormones have settled (but then I might lose her if I don't keep trying!)

We've both got into a bit of a vicious circle with each other and I don't know what to do :(

Oh god I so sympathise. Have 11 year old going through exactly the same thing.

This was recommended to me on MN some months ago. I started off not liking it but now love it, and it makes me feel that we are not alone... Even the title has it spot on:

Get Out of My Life But First Take Me and Alex into Town: The bestselling guide to living with teenagers The advice in there, in a nutshell, is to keep persevering with everything (boundaries, love, communication etc) in ways the authors suggest but accept that it may be a long haul... I sound like a broken record some days and it's very wearing, however she's not the first pre-teen to have a hormonal spike of negativity and won't be the last. This too will pass!

I have a 9yo DD who is just like this. She is a nightmare atm and seems to hate me. I try to be as patient as poss with her but it's really hard, shes horrible to her 7yo brother too. She is an angel to everyone else though!

i don't have any good advice to offer, just letting you know you're not alone

Thanks, both of you. It's reassuring to know it's not just us :) Elvira, I have just ordered that book. I read about it a while ago but then totally forgot to order it, so thanks for the reminder! s13nna, my DD is horrible to her brother too - it's very upsetting to watch, especially as he hero-worships her. And like you say she is an angel to other people!! I know that's normal though - they choose the people they feel most secure with to vent their frustrations on.

It is a good book. I hated it at first because it is soooo negative about teens (has very low expectations of them) and my teen DD1 is fab and not at all like the book portrays. DD2 isn't doing any of the lying / staying out/ drinking stuff either (far too young!) but she is, like you say, negative and dismissive and just horrible and miserable to be around. She holds it all in at school / with friend / grandparents etc and then just explodes at home! I still get lots of glimpses of my funny, caring, bright, imaginative girl so I don't think it will last for ever (at least I hope not)