Finally decided to stop prevaricating and surprised by how upset I am....

[bootsmonkey]

This may be long....sorry, but I am really surprised at how upset I am that I will never be pregnant again. I am also surprised that I am absolutely sure that I do not want another child. How can the two co-exist in my mind, side by side?

DH and I have been using the withdrawal method for over 14 months and it has worked for us so far. I have not been ovulating regularly and we are obviously not very fertile as a couple. Each month though, I have the frission of whether AF will arrive or not. This month, I know I ovulated as I felt it and was a lot more hormonal than usual. I was also late, felt sick and was sure I was pregnant. Then AF arrived and I am shocked about how disappointed I felt. BUT - I do not want another child, for many reasons and so I have had to take the decision to stop this monthly roulette as it is not a healthy place to be. And I am in mourning for the fact that I am closing that book. I loved being pregnant. I have had to make an active decision that I will never be again. I do not want a baby. I am a mess.

I have a beautiful DD and a husband who has promised to have the snip. If I had fallen pregnant accidentally we would have muddled through and may or may not be together in 2/4/6 years time. We nearly didn't make it through the first time and it makes me sad that NO good memories have made it through the first two years.

Just need to write it all down and try to work through it. Wonder if anyone has been through the same?

I also play that roullette, and stop taking the pill for months at a time, but it would be a disaster and I don't want a baby really either, so I know what you mean then suddenly I start taking my pills and am relieved that nothing happened untill I get baby madness again and then stop, is a stupid thing for me to do, I think it is nothing to do with logic, is an emotional thing but like you I really need to decide to stop gambling with my future, will take the pill again at the end of this month. probably does not answer your question but other people do it aswell lol

Cheers Jenny - yes, logic vs. emotion

Shite isn't it!

hi bootsmonkey , are you really sure you don't want another baby?? I don't mean to be rude but if my patients say " i don't want to be pregnant but i am not using contraception" i usually laugh outright at them, you are trying to get preganant until proven otherwise IMO and the proven otherwise is using some form of reliable contraception ( which the withdrawl method just isn't - sorry if that offends) . i htink you might benefit from seeing someone to discuss your feelings about your descision not to have anymore children and maybe there is some unresolved grief about the difficult first few years....think about it.

what are your reasons not to have another? how old is you dd, how old are you?

just because you found it hard with your first? isnt a reason not to have another one.

i found it very hard with my first dd but i now have dd2 and i have been so much more relaxed, we have hardly argued at all etc i also suffered really bad pnd with my first and havent had it at all this time round.

i play roulette, too.

we're NOT a very fertile couple at all.

i do think you need to be VERY sure before even considering sterilisation.

it is and should be considered permanent, despite any anecdotes about women falling pregnant afterwards.

reversals do NOT always work and there are instances in which a urologist may be unable to extract live sperm from a man who has had a vasectomy at all.

that being said, i know personally quite a few men who have had them - including my ex H, who never wanted any kids and is, at 38, very pleased w/his decision - and have no regrets.

BUT, each man was very, very sure of his decision. i had an ex bf who also had a vasectomy w/o ever having had kids. but he had severe bipolar disorder w/a strong heritable link and never wanted to pass that on.

you sound like you desperately want another baby! what are your reasons for not having another?

I agree that it is like trying to get pregnant without the responsibility of decided to try, but I am not very fertile either from age 18to 21 it took 3 years at the start of our relationship to get ds, and now 7 years on I never get pregnant even on months when I have looked out for ovulation done the deed on the best possibel day a few times also the event lol hardly ever takes place so sometimes i take the pill for a fewmonths and have no sex, so theres not much point. I would love a baby if my dh would get a job and we were not homeless and have my parents approval and my ds was happy at school but these are so many if's, but at the moment if were to get pregnant we would call it an accident and so if would not be our fault to other people lol if a bit crazy i agree, MM where did I put thoses pills...(goes off to locate pills and staart taking them as soon as AF comes) also wont be pg this month havent bd'd lol

Am curious what are your reasons for not having an actual baby?

My reasons are great good reasons lol homeless and unemployed at moment with ds is difficulty at school, also am on suspended study and have to get my honours degree or somthing when we get settled

The co-existence of the two feelings is rooted in biology. We are designed to want more babies.. it's nature's way of ensuring the humans race continues. The other feeling is common sense and it will eventaully win out.

No, I don't want another child - but I would like to experience pregnancy again. Two very different things. This is not a 'do I want another child or not' debate. We are using the withdrawal method because I can not do synthentic hormones and when I had my Mirena removed, I wanted my DH to take responsibility for the contraception after 17 years.... I have tried to book an appointment to have a coil put in for the last four-six months, but as you have to do it during just after your period, not being able to plan when that will happen...(anywhere from 18-32 days), travelling around for work and having one GP who fits contraception at my practice and has what feels like ALOT of holidays/courses means that I haven't managed it. Withdrawal has worked for us. The jolt of realising it may not, has made me take action.

A few reasons for not having another baby include:

Very low maternal instinct - I love my DD, but would not say I am very maternal. I hated the drudgery of the early months, had PND, etc. Maybe different second time round, but what if it isn't......?

Financial - I am the breadwinner, DH is a SAHD.

Mental - DH suffers from depression and could not do it again. I do not want in any way to be a single parent of 2 children.

I could go on - but I am not trying to justify my decision, I am just expressing sadness that I will never be pregnant again and that my re-productive years are over. Mummydoc - there may well be residual grief over what should have been a fulfulling experience - but I dare say we could all do with counselling about something or other in our past.

I think you sound as if you are grieving for 'good times' that you thought you would have and didn't - your 'no good memories have made it through' comment. Did you have extreme PND? It sounds as if you had a very hard tome one way or another. Are you afriad to have another baby because of that history repeating itself, or by deciding not to have another baby, are you sad because those memorise will never have a second chance, iyswim?

I remember being acutely conscious, when DS was tiny, that every moment was one that would never be repeated. My SIL was diagnosed with agressive cancer when DS was 5 weeks old, and the ensuing family trauma impinged a lot on my maternity leave. I look back on it all as a time of serius upset, and also frustrated wasted time - being domestic, tired, doing bitty things..and still I hanker for a sort of idealised few months with a new baby in complete relaxed restful time...as if anyone ever gets that!!!

If it is fear of things that made you lose confidence, perhaps you should look again at whether you really do want another baby?

On the other hand, I am not going to have another child, don't want another child, but still feel sad that i will soon be physically unable to have another chil - even one I don't want, iyswim! So I understand the 'closing of the book' sadness, too.

sorry - x-posted with your last post

so what responsibility is your dh now taking? withdrawal?

i'm never having any more children either and i can understand your sadness, i used to feel sad but i have now convinced myself that once i've lost all the extra weight i will never become pregnant/fat again as i hate it, its def the worst bit.

i feel complete now that i have my two dd's i have no desire to go through pregnancy, sleepless nights etc etc ever again and i am 100% happy with that.

Maybe now is not the right time to try for another baby but if your dh workson his depression and maybe the two of you get some counselling then maybe you can try in a couple of years and it will stop you thinking this is def the end iyswim.

bootsmonkey you don't have to justify your decision, I was just curious, I also do not want a baby and with good reasons, but this is because of my situation and I would be very sad if I thought I would never be pregnant again, in my entire life, so I understnad it is a sad thing for you
especially as by the sound of things you mean never ever again.

Oh Blu - your post made me cry - dosn't take much to set me off at the moment. I have said from the get go that DD was going to be an only and have had many conversations both here and in RL trying to justify that and how people assume that you will have more than one etc.,etc.,etc. I have had intense periods of broodiness, which have passed. I guess most people just act on these feelings, without thinking too hard or over analysing. Grieving for the child I won't have and don't want - madness!

Shiny Star - I know it is biology, that is why I haven't acted on my broody feelings - dosn't make it any easier though!

I think it is partly the memories will never have a second chance - I won't be able to 'prove' myself as a mother to a new born again. But it is in the abstract and the past. The thought of having a newborn again leaves me cold. It is the closing the book that is the big thing.

hi boots... i sort of know how you are feeling.

i have 2 children, i have had a coil since DD was 2 months old. I had a scare when she was 9 months old and was sure i was pregnant. I wasn't. the relief i felt was enormous. which makes me sad and angry with myself as i love the children i have sooo much, but i know in my logical mind , having another is not a good idea.

i had severe PND after DS. fine after DD. i have two lovely perfect healthy children , a boy & a girl..i couldn't ask for more..

my DH has a demanding job and is rarely at home....i am a SAHM , hoping to start back to work in the new year as a doula. I plan to do midwifery at some point. I am getting to the stage i can see getting my life back..and having a fulfilling job and not simply being someone's mum. although that has its rewards, i am only 31 and need to look at where my life will be going . my DD will be at preschool in 18 months then at school, i will have empty days to fill...

but at the same time, the thought of never carrying another baby, or giving birth or holding a tiny newborn in my arms makes me so so so sad.

i think there comes a point where you have to say ,enough is enough in terms of having babies..as babies become children and become teens and need you for a loooooooong time...it is not just about being pregnant , it is another lifetime commitment to someone.

what i find unusual about your situation is that rather than taking a stand either way and either trying for a baby or using effective contraception, you are letting nature decide for you.

IMO you want a baby more than you don't, iFYSWIM

i know there is no way DH would even be in the same house as me if i didn;t have contraception in place ! LOL

i'm sure though that for as long as women are fertile, there will always be a part of you that is saying, go on , have another!

LovemyGirls - no - this is the final decision. I don't have a couple of years, I am in the beginnings of the menopause, DH is 49 this year and does not want to be a new dad in his fifties, just like I do not want to be a new mum in my 40's. His depression is lifelong - there will be no miracle cure...

Enid - he is getting the snip.

Expat - I believe withdrawal roulette can work as a method of contraception for some - does it worry you at all that you may become pregnant?? Does it mess with your mind at all. I think I am right in remembering that you do not want a third...don't answer if you don't want to!!

I call it leaving it with the gods lol but my friend gave me some ovulation predictor strips and there they will sit untouched i n the drawer, that would be actively trying for a baby to me, Also I think i'm 29 now and don't get pregnant so maybe something is wrong like with ds, maybe ds is going to be the only one naturally, as another one does not come to us

It can mess with your mind , the wondering if your af wil come sometimes getting pg tests and then they are negative and you get all stressed for nothing, then disapponted then relieved. I think it is better for you and me to get ti sorted or we might get a nasty/wonderful shock one of these days

lulumama - DD is at school now, life is more under control, DH is more upbeat generally. I don't want to go back to where we were. But I AM very sad that I will never carry another baby.

We haven't really left it to fate as withdrawal has worked for us. Having a scare has forced me to decide and make no more pregnancies a reality rather than an abstract concept. Age would do it naturally at some point. That is different in my mind to making a concious decision. Maybe I am just feeling old too??

i know how you feel.........and i don;t think it will go away for me until i am menopausal....being fertile and being a mother is so tied up with who i am... hard to accept that i won;t do the pregnancy & birth thing again..rationally i know it is right. my DS also at school and i can see the time will come all to quickly when DD is too and donl;t want to be where i was 7 years ago IFYSWIM!

Thanks all for your input. Rationally I know where I am - emotionally I may take some time to catch up.... Am going to go home and cuddle my DD. She may get a puppy for Christmas this year rather than the baby she keep asking for. Cats will be surprised though.