I'm a baby routine freak, DH isn't, how to resolve?

[Gemmitygem]

have 6 week old DS who is a very happy and zen baby, on the unmentionable routine. DH's view is that one shouldn't be too anal about times for feeds and sleeps, and he thinks I'm over zealous with it and also always criticising (e.g. if he switches the light on in the night). It's hard because as the mum you do know what does or doesn't upset the baby... Basically it comes down to me feeling like I know what is right for him and no one else does.

BUT it is very important to me that DH builds a good relationship with his son and feels confident caring for him, and also he will have to have a nanny in 2 months from now, so I'll have to trust her with him as well!

anyone else face this and how did you deal with it?

any tips appreciated

not sure if i can really help as i don't follow a prescriptive routine. what i would say is that babies have a habit of utterly changing their behaviours regarding eating and sleeping evrry month or so, so being flexible may help long term. it is important to do stuff like keeping night quiet and dark and daytime light and exciting but don't worry about doing stuff to the minute ... i would also say it is important that you and your DH do agree on stuff like this. talk to him about why it is so important to you that you follow a routine and then compromise with each other.

you're right.. trouble is the routine works so well, I'm just terrified of losing the sleep, cos I know that if I do the routine both me and baby will get 6-7 hours on and off, so terrified of it going back to the very early days after birth..

but I know it's more important to compromise with DH, but hard fighting that mother instinct!

well, you need to explain that to dh. Possibly in terms of 'keeping the lights off at night and using the routine means we get six or seven hours sleep. Muck it up and YOU are dealing with any night waking, sunshine'. (If you are b/f, start expressing so he knows you are serious.)

Actually agree with taylor, babies change and change again. Just as you think you've got the little sweetheart taped, they reach another developmental stage and suddenly whatever tricks you've been using no longer work... e.g. last week seven verses of Mary had a little lamb got them to sleep, now they howl inconsolably!

Gemmitygem ... I had this with my ds and dp ... but I think if the routine is working and your ds is happy just go with it. Sometimes it feels as if you have 2 kids doesnt it .. the dp/dh are often more hard work. I wasnt following a strict routine when my ds was very young but he settled into his own routine pretty quickly. As he has got older and when he started nursery from 6 months he naturally shifted into the nursery routine which doesnt fit in with our weekend mealtimes etc and is a little restrictive .. my dp and I have had many an argument about this. eg. I knew when my ds needed a long lunch time sleep straight after an early lunch to catch up after a long week at nursery but my dp would kick off because it wouldnt fit in with what he wanted to do. In the end I have had to give in on many an occasion to make a point... let my dp do what he wants and stand back and watch when the inevitable meltdown happens .. and wait for the "yeah, you were right" that inevitably follows from my dp. You would think that he would learn from it but we still go through the same thing every now and then. At the end of the day you are probably always going to feel that you know best for your ds as you spend the most time with him. I know I still feel that way and my ds is nearly 21 months!

"It's hard because as the mum you do know what does or doesn't upset the baby... Basically it comes down to me feeling like I know what is right for him and no one else does."

This isn't true. The person who knows most about the baby is the person who spends the most time with him. If you make this YOUR job, then you will know the most about the baby. That might be fine now, but when your baby is bigger and your DH isn't confident enough to look after him (and your baby isn't confident enough to stay with your DH) then you will become very frustrated.

You learnt about your baby from trial and error and being with them. Your DH needs to learn the same. If you want shared parenting, then you need to let DH take over some of baby's care, and let HIM decide how he is going to do things. If you want to remain "in control" then fine - but it means you will ALWAYS be the one changing nappies, dressing and feeding baby, and doing all the childcare.

you're right morning paper - I do almost everything for dd2 (14 months ) and this has meant that she has a nice routine - but only with me. My dh is very unconfident with her, and had found this last month when I've been working very hard coping on his own with her. But he's getting a lot better now that he has no choice.

Absolutely MP and Belgo! DH has a brilliant relationship with DS, and can 'read' him almost as well as I can. Sometimes better. I'm convinced it's because we made joint decisions from the off (and also because I sat on my urge to hover and tut anxiously when DH was changing nappies, etc). The only thing DH can't do is feed DS which means that I'm tied to being there at bedtime but otherwise it's well worth things being done 'not up to standard' or even losing a bit of sleep, if it means that the family unit is strengthened - and you can get more of a break later on, because even when DS is sick he's still happy to be with daddy.

My dh was involved far more with my DD1, and we had huge problems trying to get her into a reasonable routine, part of the problem being that dh and I differ in our parenting techniques (she was also a challenging baby )

That's why I took almost total charge of the care of dd2, and that's worked a lot better.

hello

i have brought both my children up on the unmentionable...and would neevr consider dropping something that so obviously gives me and my children many happy days because my dp didnt like it. Luckily for me my dh is very hands on and loves the unmentionable because he sees the good it does for our kids, however if say, he hadnt have been, i would encourage him, like has been said, to particapte more with the upbringing and try not to be too overly critical.

When you are a SAHM and you are with your children day in day out, it is inevitable that they will most likely respond the best with yourself and you will feel to a degree that only you can do what is best for them, and that can leave the other half feeling left out, all it takes is a bit more relaxation and allowing bonding time where possible. ;)

A reason for both parents to work perhaps so neither thinks they know more about the baby than the other?

ok, some very good advice here: basically I need to try and chill out and bite my tongue. Hard cos I've looked after DS on my own from weeks 2-6, since we both live and work in central asia and I came back to europe just to have the baby, so we will only be together as a family from end of Dec..

but you're right to say that if you don't involve DH enough you end up with a less happily involved father, plus you have to do all the work. it's just shocked me because before having DS I was oh so reasonable and wanting to involve DH , but as soon as I had him I just felt completely different. Going back to work beginning of feb so will have to sort all this out anyway, as will have to find a nanny..

oh its easy done though! i often get told i 'hog' the baby, but how can you not after spending 9 months carrying them, going through birth together and if being a SAHM doing all the work? Its natural in my eyes. But its never to late to let go just a little, especially with your DH, i hope it all works out for you both! ;)

When DD was little, I was very edgy about DH doing anything with her. He couldn't pick her up properly, played with her too boisterously etc, etc. It's hard to shut up sometimes and just let them do it their way, but sometimes you have to bite your tongue and let them get on with it. Although when it came to routine, I was quite adamant about being strict and consistent on this. It's to the benefit of both of you if you have a child that learns to sleep well. You sleep better as well, have a happier child and generally have your evenings to yourselves. If your DD can see the benefits of a routine then he should support you. Just bear in mind that although you may have started early, which isn't a bad thing, it may take 3 to 4 months for your DS to settle into a strong routine, but do persevere, I think it's worth it.

If you're going back to work in Feb it will probably just settle down and sort out. I think children benefit from having two parents and two views sometimes. It also stops one parent thinking they're right, although you definitely want some consistency.

my dh was really against having a routine at first and said it was just a way of me 'controlling' dd. so i just let him do it his way for one weekend - she was screaming, didn't sleep well, really crotchety all day as he wasn't adept at interpreting her cues. i felt mean but it was for their own good - after one weekend of baby hell he had to admit that he wanted our happy smiley baby and quiet household back ha ha ha ha and i was proved right

My DH is very good with our 2 sons in fact he was the main carer of DS1 for the first year of his life.
The only thing I am a stickler for is the sleep/night time routine.
I have been asking my husband the same thing for 3 yrs, '...keep it down at night, allow them to fall asleep by themselves, don't talk, don't take out of cot etc, etc' but to my frustration and angry distraction he always does the opposite, chatting away to them if they wake in the night, lying on DS1 bedroom floor as he falls asleep even though he has been sleeping alone without issue since he was 4.5 months. Have recently sleep trained DS2 (whilst husband was away cos he just wouldn?t of been able to ride out the crying) and DHs snoring woke him after 3rd night of sleeping through at 4am. I followed my usual routine (which had been described already in great detail to my OH) of telling DS2 to lie down and go to sleep and then sitting by the cot so that he knew he hadn?t been abandoned, out of the darkness comes the whisper of DHs voice, ?Why don?t you try giving him a cuddle?. I ignore him. ?Does his nappy need changing?? I ignore him, ?Let me take him?. I ignore him. ?If he doesn?t stop crying soon I?m gonna take him out the cot?. Obviously DS2 screamed louder and louder each time he heard his dad?s voice because he sensed a weakness in the camp. After only 10 minutes crying my husband 'barges' past me, picks him up out of the cot, puts him in our bed and cuddles him to sleep, I was so enraged I slept on the sofa, sulking, and we rowed about it at 7am when baby was properly awake. It makes my blood boil, he?s not the one that gets up 99% of the time in the night, every night and I work 3 days too, perhaps if he did he wouldn?t be so selfish.
Lost the point of the thread and had a real rant instead didn?t I? Sorry.