For those who stopped at two dc but wanted more - does the yearning every go away?

[upsidedownallday]

Really not sure where to post this but thought I'd try here. I am in my early 40s. I have two gorgeous DC, but was always desperate for just one more. For a variety of reasons, that is definitely not going to happen now. Although I feel so amazingly blessed with my family as it is, and know I have nothing real to complain about, nevertheless I have this constant ache for a third which I just can't explain. Many friends have three (or more!) and I think my sister is likely to as well. Although I will be so delighted for her if so, it is awful to admit that I anticipate feeling horribly and shamefully jealous too. Has anyone else felt this and does it subside, in time? Please tell me it does.

Ouch. But lovely. Dogs so great. But with both DH and I full-time WOHM, and living in town, a dog would be almost as impractical as another child! I've got cats though! Always hated cats, but my cats are now the light of my life (that's sort of a joke - but I do think they are clearly very special and superior cats, not like other cats at all). This cat love is especially embarrassing after a couple of drinks when I start telling people (strangers, often) how much I love my cats and see them moving away quite swiftly.

HeadDreamer, that would definitely fit with my DH's feelings. Two is plenty from his point of view!

I started a similar thread recently, but it must have been in chat as I can't find it to link to. I'm similar to you op, but I have remarried, and he doesn't have any children of his own.

We have settled on not going to have more. But i feel like I'm training myself to get used to the idea. It's not coming naturally, but there are SO many reasons not to have more. So every time we do something/go somewhere I have to keep reminding myself how difficult it would be with no3. Every time I see a tantrumming child I tell myself how I loathed that stage. Each payday I remind myself how much better off we are without nursery bills.

One of us is going to have surgery to stop any accidents this year. It's very much head over heart, and it's not coming easily to me at all. Fake it till I make it here!

I also think I feel disappointed in myself that perhaps I am not the sort of person I want to be - who can easily cope with three. So it's reconciling the ideal 'me', with the actual 'me.'

Completely understand this! I had it with just my first. It wasn't at all like I expected and I wasn't at all like I'd expected as a mother.

My longing for a third left me in tears for a couple of years with desperate longing. But it goes. I can't believe I ever felt so strongly and so terrible about it. So much so on days out I would feel tearful seeing families of three. For us, we would've gone for three but for ds2 having autism and how much work it was and the increased chances of another child with autism when we were on our knees with one. Two friends recently had third babies and I was not jealous at all.

My dc are 6 and 8 and I have that feeling that there is someone missing. I feel very jealous when I see friends with 3dc in a row on the backseat of the car .

However when one is wrestling a snotty 2yr old back into the buggy or telling me how many times they were up in the night I feel content with life as it is.

Dh is totally against a 3rd and I think he assumes that I just want another baby. But I actually want another person in our family, forever.

Good luck Quasi. I hope that whatever happens for you feels right.

Mumofthemoment, exactly my feelings. I really don't want another baby, never particularly enjoyed the baby phase. But I do (still) want a big family. It's the thought of having loads of us round the dinner table in years to come. I constantly wonder how it can be possible to desperately want two completely opposite things at the same time? DH is also totally against a third.

Yes, same here Mumofthemoment. I'm enjoying my two so much (they are 6 and 4) that I want to make another awesome person just like them.

To be fair to dh, he is right when he says we don't have enough room for another. And we don't have enough money to move. I know we could easily squeeze and baby in but give it 5yrs and we'd be bursting at the seams.

Yes, completely!

I had twin dd's and was desperate for a third and fourth! Dh was not, he really didn't want anymore. When the twins got to 2.5 I went right off the idea and am so glad we stopped at 2 dc. I am encouraging dh to go for the snip now.

I have 2 DDS and was absolutely desperate for a third, I was pg with dc3 3 years ago but miscarried and it's not going to happen again. If you'd told me 3 years ago that I'd be happy with my life I'd have laughed in your face.

But genuinely, I'm happy with what I've got, there's no yearning for a third dc any more, I'm making plans for the future that wouldn't be possible with another dc. I don't really know what's changed, other than time. Dd2 is at school, more independent, less whiney. The thought of going back to the baby stage now fills me with a sort of nausea.

I'm desperate for number 3, husband refuses after seeing both daughter and I nearly die from an abruption. He says it would be selfish to risk that happening again, but I just can't put aside this longing for the missing piece of our jigsaw. My youngest isn't even two so I guess I have plenty of time for the yearning to fade, but it's nice to see that I'm not alone.

This is something I am struggling with enormously at the moment.

Which surprises me, because the reason why we aren't having our always planned third is that DH was diagnosed with a condition with a very limited life expectancy. Although he is very well at the moment, he is very unlikely to hit 40.

And yet I still spend time sad that I won't have another baby! I need all my energy to support the DCs I do have and my DH,

I suppose I am longing for the healthy family of 5 that we aren't, and now will ever be

'Never' not 'ever'.

Unfortunately

aceltic that makes perfect sense to me. Why wouldn't you wish for something joyful when you are going through something so hard?

for you.

aceltic, I am so sorry, that is awful. I think it's totally understandable to grieve for the family you thought you would have in the face of something so sad.

aceltic, how sad.

We have two dc. My hormones tell me I want another. I feel very jealous of my friends who have three, and most of them seem to! As my dc are the same flavour, there seems to be an expectation that we'll definitely have another.

Sometimes I want another so much it hurts. Sometimes I don't at all and am more than happy with the two of them! Oddly, the times I positively don't want any more are the times when as a family we are happiest, like I really fear for the change in dynamic or something.

But then, I hated being pregnant. I failed to ebf twice and ended up with PND following that. We make ends meet but only just. I can't see that we could afford another. I've worked since dc1 was 7 mo, so I've got on with my career, but undoubtedly going pt has affected the speed of progression. I'm at a point now where I can pick up the pace a bit and I don't want to throw another mat leave into the mix. Or have to throw thousands at a nursery again. I've seen friends grapple with cars, home improvements, holiday arrangements with that extra little person, and we have none of those worries.

I'm 36, so there's time.

Heartofgold25 what an amazing post .

Lots of sad stories here.

I was also desperate for a third and eventually persuaded my husband to try, almost three years ago now. We tried for a couple of months then my periods went haywire. It's hard to know for sure thanks to my loopy cycles but I think I had two chemical pregnancies in that time, and I've just had it confirmed that I'm now menopausal. I'm 41.

As well as the sadness that I'll not have a third child, I now feel a bit overwhelmed that I have been planning for one and now I need to change things. For example, I went back to work after my second (who is now five) purely because I wanted another baby. Financially it probably wasn't the right decision, and in terms of my career - which has now almost completely ground to a halt - it definitely wasn't the right move. Similarly, our house is full of baby stuff - we still have the pushchair, the cot, a toddler bed, loads of clothes etc etc. I wish, wish, wish, I'd got rid of them gradually over time but I hung on to them for the next baby. Now I've got to clear them all out and it seems like such a huge job. I feel like my life has been on hold and I've made a lot of mistakes, because I was waiting for another baby. Now I feel like a bit of an idiot.

I think I'll always be sad I didn't get to have three and I think I'll always be envious of those with big families. Which isn't at all helpful for you OP, sorry!

It is helpful blondegirl! It's lovely to hear people's stories and know that I am not alone - but I am sorry that it didn't work out for you. Don't feel like an idiot about the baby stuff. My DH insisted on getting rid of it a couple of years ago, but I thought in the back of my mind, well, maybe we can replace it if necessary. That makes me feel like an idiot!

blondegirl We gave our cot to SIL. I couldn't stand the thought of it. It killed me. I couldn't even be in the house when dh took it to SIL's. It was a good friend in the end who persuaded me that it was okay to feel sad, and that loaning (!) was the right thing to do.

In the end she didn't use it for ages - crammed my dn into the Moses basket for months - and it went mouldy in the shed. That hurt more than I can articulate.