Over generous ex!

[Cotswoldbabe]

Advice wanted!
I have a 14 year old daughter (DD1) with my ex. I also have adopted my husbands 12 year olddaughter (DD2), The issue is my ex is very wealthy, since we split his business has really expanded. He has no regard for money.
He pays for DD1 to go to private school, my husband and i just about manage to pay for our daughter to go to the same school and struggle financially because of this. We have shared custody of DD1. My ex bought the house we live in when we split up, so that i had somewhere to live with DD1, when she turns 18 the house will be transferred into her name. My ex pays no maintenance as he paid for the house and school fees. We mutually agreed this when we split.

The issue though is that over the last year or two he thinks nothing of spending heaps of money on DD1, he buys her anything she wants and takes her on holidays with him and his pregnant 25 year old ukrainian (i am sure shes a gold digger!!) girlfriend to all sorts of foreign places, In the last year hes taken her to New York, Los Angeles, Rome, Paris and Stockholm.
Last week when DD1 came back after spending the weekend with him she had a new £1000 Apple Mac Laptop. a bag full of Mac make up and several new pieces of designer clothing. I phoned him in an angry moment telling him to stop spending money on her like this, its not what i want for her.
My husband and i are struggling with money and cant treat our daughter to the same things and luxuries, she is clearly envious and feels left out and deeply hurt, shes said its unfair. In fairness to DD1 she will share things with her 1/2 sister, If i say DD1 can not have something she goes to her father and next thing, hey presto shes got it!! She has a wardrobe most adults would envy, let alone 14 year olds.
I cant afford to treat DD2 in the same way and its starting to cause division between our family, my husband feels angry and upset that he cant 'compete' even though i have told him he shouldn't think like that. DD2 feels hurt, and makes little comments about it and it affects her self esteem which is fragile anyway.
I have asked my ex to be more considerate and think about the message he is sending DD1, his response is if i dont spend it on her now, she will only get it when shes older in her trust fund and inheritance.
Am i unreasonable to ask or expect my ex to not be so careless and to stop spoiling her so much, i worry that shes got no regard for money and when older will just sit back and take everything for granted.
How to i getmy ex to sees sense?

Wow what a tricky situation. The only thing I can think of is to tell dd1 she has to share things like the computer etc with her sister, when she gets makeup to give some for her sister, and save the clothes to pass down for her sister. Then it is a treat for both of them. Tell dd1 how lucky she is and that a good person would share these things with her sister so that she does not feel left out. It will be even more difficult when dd1 is older and inherits but hopefully by teaching her to share now then dd1 will always help out her sister if she ever needs it. Hopefully they have a strong bond that will see them through this tricky situation.

Would it be possible to speak to your ex and set a limit on the value/amount/type of stuff he buys her which she can bring back to your home. If he wants to buy her extra stuff then it needs to be kept at his house to keep things fair and happier your both girls at your home.
Does he know your younger daughter very well? Perhaps a few joint family events so he builds a better bond with his daughters sister with enable him to be more sensitive to her feelings too.

Aloneandtrying I have made a point of telling her how fortunate and lucky she is, i try to get her to understand money brings responsibilities, at 14 i am not sure she fully gets it though. They are close as sisters and like i said she shares things, I worry though she will grow up to be a bit of a cow if im honest! Can i say that as a mother?? The signs are there of her potentially being very stubborn and demanding, I fear her getting her way all the time and expecting what she wants on demand. This could really mess her relationships up as an adult. Shes clearly going to want for nothing when older and has no need to work. I am worried now but god knows how things will be when shes older as i fear her dropping out of education and being a party animal or sleeping around/getting involved in drugs.

ColdCottage I have tried speaking to my ex about limiting how much he spends on her and setting a limit, he will have none of it. He ays shes his daughter and he will spoil her, He had nothing as a child and hes adament she wont go without. His girlfriend doesnt help as she takes DD1 out on shopping trips. I did suggest that some of the things he buys her are kept at his house, but it came to nothing. I have suggested that maybe he should do something with both my daughters, he has to be fair taken both of them to a Taylor Swift concert and to Chessington theme park. Though he says he feels slightly awkward taking DD2 out aswell as shes not his, this isnt easy to sort thats for sure!

Does anybody have experience of getting there ex to try and establish a relationship with the former partners new child?

I'd be worried that in four short years DD1 will own the house you live in. There is nothing you can do about ex's generosity but you need to be considering your future housing needs.

Penfold007 i am awareof the housing situation, My ex says he will transfer the house to DD1 when she is 18, but there will be a clause that wecan live in it until DD1 is 21. After that its at discretion of DD1. She is aware of this and says she wouldn't kick us out but its something we do think a lot about and have started to think about options. once DD2 finishes secondary school, we will have much more money and hopefully can get our own place, fingers crossed!! Saying a long prayer!

Why shouldn't he do this, if you were still together he would spend as much. This is normal for families with money and children from all sorts of families can drop out of school and take drugs. I think it is more common from poorer homes than richer TBH.

Cotswoldbabe I'm glad you've given the housing situation a lot of thought. You are in a tough place, ex 'spoiling' DD1 is difficult. Wish you lots of luck.

Can you put things away until she goes to her dads again if she does being excessive items home, explaining why. At 14 she may not like it but she should understand. Soon she will just leave them at her dads or if she sneaks them past you she will keep them to herself.
Very difficult.

That's an awful housing clause! How much are you spending on maintaining the house? If it all goes to dd then ex should be paying out for all improvements maintenance and anything else that is going to be in the house when dd is 21.

One would really hope that dd is not the sort to kick you out at that stage but who knows?

He sounds really undermining. Not having regard for money is one thing but what about regard for his dd's wellbeing and future character. Are these things even important to him? It sounds like your family is completely dominated by ex. Do you think it is a control thing?

I have to say I don't think he is doing anything wrong.

The problem is between the income in your household and the other child being left out.

However it is not right that your daughter is resented

Your husband needs to accept he isn't as wealthy and that this is how it's going to be.

I feel as though jealousy is at the root of it but its better that she is in this position than not at all.

i know you are coming from a good place just ask your dd to not boast about what has been bought when she gets back from her dads.

wow, tricky.

does he have a sibling he's close to himself? maybe try and get him to understand that a relationship can be damaged by jealousy. And your dd and your h's DD could be a tight unit and it'd be a shame if that didn't happen because of a few over priced hoodies. It's not worth it.

ps OP, I know what you mean about your dd maybe growing up to be a bit of a cow. My dd is so stubborn sometimes. I have told her in heated arguments sometimes that she has no idea how much I'd love to shrug and walk away for an easy life. My DD needs somebody standing up to her. I don't do it for the fun of it, cos it aint fun

Wow, that's a weird one. All your dh and dd2 can do is make peace with it. On the positive side your dd2 will benefit from having a wealthy sister in future. I'm sure she'll be taken along on lots of holidays in her lifetime. Also, you're sending your youngest to private school which wouldn't have happened without your eldest going - so she is getting some lifestyle perks which would not have been there without her sister. When dd1 is away, you could do something special for dd2, maybe a mum-daughter bonding visit to the nail bar and then lunch?

A lot of this is about mindset, and it would be a shame for maybe her last few years living in the family unit to be defined by jealousy and bitterness over a situation which is not her fault.

There is not much you can do regarding your ex; things will change when he have more children with his new girlfriend. You do need to be strong with your daughter though and tell her that if she keeps demanding for things she doesn't need you will give them to a charity. If you said she can't have it then she can't have it