Was friend right about age gap?

[Keepsmiling1]

Hi

DD1 is almost 4 and starts school in September and DD2 is just 11 weeks old. Someone made a comment to me the other day that I should have waited until DD1 was in school before having DD2 so I could give her all my attention in the day while the eldest was in school and it made me feel really guilty. DD1 goes to nursery each morning until 1pm and then the afternoons we spend together going to play group or meeting with friends or just pottering in the house. I do feel guilty as often DD2 has to come along to whatever activities we're doing even if they're not aimed at her and quite often she doesn't nap very well as we're out and about (whereas with DD1 I always made sure she had a nap in her cot and spent a lot of time getting her used to sleeping in her cot etc).

DD2 will be almost 5 months when DD1 starts school and I'm hoping to stay off on Mat Leave until she's 10/11 months before I go back to work part time. Then we'll have afternoons together before collecting DD1 from school. But obviously DD2 won't have as much 1:1 time with me especially at the moment. Was my friend right? Would it have been better for me to have waited till DD1 was at school before having DD2? I realise there's nothing I can do now but it's really playing on my mind and making me feel bad!

Thank you again.

I saw DD1 talking to DD2 today and holding her toys for her and thought it was so lovely. I'm glad they've had some time together. And I'm glad that I'll be able to really focus on DD1 when she starts school as hopefully DD2 will have a bit more of a bedtime routine so I'll be able to read her books with her etc! DD2 doesn't tend to go to bed until about 9pm so we don't really have an evening yet. There's only 2 hours difference between pick up from nursery and school so not a massive difference anyway!

I think part of it is my own problem. I worry what people say and compare things when really I shouldn't give a hoot! I saw a great quote on here - comparison is the thief of joy. So true!

Seeing as even with very fertile couples a pregnancy can only be "very likely " (not even 100%) within 6 months of trying anyone who thinks age gaps can be planned neatly is a joker. And of course in the real world, fertility, money etc make it even more unpredictable.
Age gaps don't harm kids at all. Shame on her for making you feel so bad.

Some people don't get to chose when/if they are able to get pregnant to suit the school calendar. I think the person you spoke to was very rude, and me, being a mouthy cow, would have told her so as well.

BabybyT - so pleased to read your post here (sorry to derail OP). We have a 4 year old (Jan born) whose sister is due in 4 weeks. I was/am worried about everything but your post has made me feel much better. We too planned a less-than-2 year gap but 3 miscarriages later are just pleased to have another on the way!

OP, your gap sounds great. Bet your friend is secretly worried. Our second will be 7/8 weeks when FT school starts and the idea of the school run then is bad enough. To have to start it in the same week would send me over the edge!

Tbh I think she's got a really unfortunate age gap. A new baby is a huge upheaval for dc1 and starting school is also a huge upheaval. Putting them both together in the same few weeks is a recipe for a very upset and confused little one who won't really know whether they're coming or going. Of course you can't plan things to the nth degree and these things often overlap but I wouldn't be wandering about making out as though it's a good thing.
I think you've got it spot on tbh.

My dd1 is 2.10 just now and dd2 is 5 months. Dd1 doesn't get her funded nursery place until January when I go back to work so dd2 has had to just slot in to the family and probably neither of them got tons of attention in the first few months. However they get along great now and are starting to play together. Dd2 gave her big sister her first proper kiss today which melted my heart. I think it's been good for them to get the time together to forge bonds from an early age. I don't get much one to one time with either of them but we all play together and do things together and that's nice in a different way.
Ideally it would have been nice to have a few months while dd1 was in nursery before I go back to work but then I'd have the nursery run to contend with so its all swings and roundabouts tbh.

X

Thank you for the last few messages. It has been lovely over the past few weeks watching DD1 play with and look after DD2. I also think it's been good because the newborn bit can be quite lonely I think but I've had DD1 here to chat to! It's also meant I've got out and about (to take DD1 places) rather than sitting in the house on my own with a newborn. DD2 is just starting to get a bit of a routine so I'm hopeful everything will be good by the time DD1 starts school in a few weeks!

I have a similar age gap to you and my dc are good friends. It wasnt planned as I had an mmc but it worked out well.
I agree with pp that your friend's dc may feel pushed out, seeing mum with a new baby while they have to go to school.

I think your friend is just trying to justify her decision rather than a reflection on your situation.

Your friend is the one with the problem.
A week after I gave birth to DS I had to do the school run for DSS. A huge amount of stress trying to bf a newborn just before school pick up time so he wouldn't scream etc.
The only positive was that I had to get up and shower every morning and be ready by 8.30. It got me out of the house but I would have liked a few pyjama days with my newborn.

There's 5 years between me and my sister, her being the eldest. I was born the day less than a week before she started school. I obviously don't remember a moment of my babyhood, lol, what a weird thing for her to say.

Well most people have a much smaller age gap than that don't they? I have a 25 month gap...! So my daughter now 1 is always with her big brother either st home or the childminder and it's brilliant for her she never stops giggling at him

An 11 week old does not.need specific activities !! They just need cuddles and smiles

Your friend is talking utter nonsense