Telling your child to shut up

[EthelDurant123]

Just witnessed a stressed out mother tell her boy of about 11 to shut up. I saw her do it at the bus stop and then again on the bus. I thought how humiliating for the boy and how unpleasant for the rest of us to hear it. Is it ever acceptable to tell a child to shut up (Be quiet being the softer option!)?

To me it's not ideal but as PP say we all say things we regret and that's life. But I also think coming to a parenting forum with a snapshot of a stranger (without her knowledge) for everyone to pick apart is extremely problematic.
For me personally and for many mums I know threads like this make a crying baby on the bus, or a meltdown in the park way more stressful than it needs to be ... it makes us acutely aware of how people are judging, talking and picking apart our "bad" mothering. I know I'm not the only one to feel this stress rising when things go awry in public thinking people are tutting. That's maybe why she snapped at the kid.

So the idea of shame and humiliation struck me at a different angle to that mentioned in your OP.

I suspect (hope) the mum in question would have tried the 'soft' options. I know my 9yo can argue/persuade endlessly and yes, eventually he does get a 'shut up', sometimes a weary 'pleeeease, shuddup' as pp said and sometimes a patience has snapped one. It's not ideal but far from being the worst parenting on the planet. If my DC's get a sudden and discreet 'shut up' from me it's because they are saying something inappropriate/embarrassing in front of someone and they are usually stunned into silence but it works...I'm thinking about things like "why is that person so smelly/strange/dressed like that?" at full volume on the bus and I have the explaining conversation later!

Shut up is usually a banned phrase in our house.

I don't use it to kids and they aren't allowed to use it to each other.

BUT I have told dd1 to shut up twice in the last 3 days. She and dd2 have been squabbling non stop for a week. I am at the end of my tether, they constantly wind each other up.
After I have asked nicely 10 times that dd1 leaves dd2 alone and stops telling her how to do everything, in the end I have said, Just Shut Up. Stop talking to dd2 because you are winding her up. Go Away. Leave her alone. Learn that you are being annoying. I.Have. Had. Enough. listening to you squabbling.

I then turn to dd2 and say similar, but her trick is snide poking and pinching dd1s stuff so shut up isn't her issue.

dd1 was shocked that I used a banned word. It worked that evening, until they started again the next morning over breakfast.

sigh

It's not a nice thing to say and not something I'd strive to say on a daily basis. However we all say things in the heat of the moment, or when we are tired/stressed/worried or just in a bad mood. Mums have feelings too, we can't always come out with the perfect response.
I've said some awful things to my girls, I've even shouted at them on occasion. However as they have grown up into lovely adults who are kind and funny I try not to think about the times I told them to shut up and stop arguing, or when they said something cheeky to me. That's not important, what's important are the fact that the majority of the time we all got along just fine

Yeah it's banned here too. However, I have said it a couple of times when stressed. I apologise immediately and say I shouldn't have said it and that I am in a tizz / under pressure / stressed and could they please keep it down or go into another room to be noisy.

Oh yes, I am ashamed to say I have said it, in fact I have screamed it once, when I totally lost concentration when driving and almost pulled out in front of another car at a junction !

I must admit it happened a few times, only ever in the car, in horrible crazy traffic/horrible weather/lost, needing to concentrate etc, and they were bickering, fighting and crying in the back, it was the final out of control response when bribes, threats, gentle prompting to be quiet, had not worked, and the alternative to telling them to shut up was to pull over to the side of the road and run for the hills, alone.

That was when the demon mother came out, however it obviously did not traumatise them enough, because the car bickering, fighting and even hurling things at each other continued on a regular basis for a long time. thankfully car journeys now are much more pleasant and interesting (7yo and 12yo).

I have told both my ds to shut up when they won't stop going on despite being told to stop.
While I agree it's not nice there are times it feels like my head will explode if there isn't a break from the non stop chatter.

Not banned here, it's how you say it that matters, screamed in anger or used very frequently are not good but perfectly acceptable when used in a polite speaking voice to halt a torrent of verbal diarrhoea. It was used this way when I was growing up by my parents who are very polite, well-mannered and averse to crudeness/swearing.

i said that today when trying to do very tricky reversing, and the kids kept going on. But it is a fairly rare occurrence.

Shut up is discouraged in our house as it essentially means that someone is not allowed to voice an opinion which just isn't on. If ds is talking over us i ask him to be quiet until we've finished talking and he can then tell us. I've asked him to be quiet, quieten down etc but not shut up. Nobody has the right to tell another person to shut up, though I accept that stressful situations can make is behave in a less than ideal way.

I'm another that tries not to say it but who sometimes falls down, usually in the car. I'm a relatively new driver and really struggle to concentrate on driving when the kids are screeching and fighting in the back. I figure it's better for them if I bellow shut up rather than wrap the car around a tree.

Like most others, avoid, had been said occasionally, in the form of an 'aaaarrrgggghhhh shut up' exasperation, when they are deep in squabble and I cannot penetrate, like a pp the use of a 'banned word' usually gets their attention.

Heard a mum tell her 4/5 yo old the other day to 'fucking shut up you little twat' on the school run, she was talking to another mum

It's not that bad to me. Exasperation makes you say snappy and unimaginative things.