Feeling sad as DS just said none of his friends come round coz I shout too much

[voluptuagoodshag]

This all stemmed from the usual straight out of school pestering to have a sleepover despite being told that advance warning is always necessary.
Anyway, after a firm no but a play is fine he and his pal continued to pester and pester me. Still a firm but exasperated no. I was then chatting to two other Mums and they come up again and pester. I'm getting quite cross now but repeated no several times and told them not to interrupt.

When we were finally walking home, they told me that pal's Mum said it was ok to have a sleepover at pal's house, despite the original question being if they could a sleepover at mine. I asked how they knew that when she wasn't at the school gate and they said she said it was ok when they asked her. I got cross again with DS saying that he knows he is not supposed to put Mum's on the spot by inviting himself because it's rude and he should wait to be asked and anyway I'd heard nothing from the Mum so surely she would have mentioned it if it was ok.

Upshot was, pal was going home to ask his Mum and she was going to text me. That was ages ago and I've heard nothing so kinda proves my point that they were at it. However I gave DS a bit of a ticking off about it and how fed up I was at being pestered when I had already said no and he knows he's not to spring such arrangements straight out of school without checking first.

He got a bit quiet and then dropped the bombshell that I shout too much and he overheard two boys in the cloakroom saying they don't like coming to my house to play footie because I shout too much. So he has stopped asking pals to play (even in the street or park where I wouldn't even be there) because he's scared they will say no. He said he didn't know which two boys it was which is the bit I find hard to believe because their cloakrooms are small and he would surely have known who it was.

I do shout a lot and I hate it but it's mainly exasperation at continually repeating myself to no avail. He said I shout too much on school trips coz I'm telling kids to hurry up (they were dawdling way behind, in a wood, near a dangerous cliff and I wanted them to keep together).

I shouted the other day to go round the back which is always open because they ring the doorbell at the front and I'd only just sat down on my ass to have a cuppa after being on my feet all day.

Sorry for long rant, I'd hate to think kids never came here because I was too shouty. Generally if any pals do something amiss I'd just tell them not to and they usually do as they are told. I don't shout at other kids, just my own coz I figure aged ten they should know the rules by now so it's not like I shout without reason. Feeling crap now.

I was very shouty but the house was always full of DS1 and 2's friends. I don't think they can have minded too much.

Sounds like emotional blackmail to me.

If dd asks repeatedly or asks in front of others for play dates she knows it's an auto no. It's bad manners.

We used to have play dates on a Friday with the invitation extended the day before after discussion with me. I'd set up a regular arrangement like that with your son with rules about not asking on other days.

My kids are older than yours OP and I really was the shouty mum for a while. I realised that my DC and their friends weren't spending much time here. I like them here, because at least I know what they are up to. So I made a concerted effort to be calmer and more open. It really paid off and I have an excellent relationship with my DC and their friends now.

The evidence is there: his friend is round at your house all the time, and wants to spend the night. He obviously isn't scared of you. Maybe some children with very softly spoken parents might be.

Only you know if you shout too much. If it worries you, if you can't control it, if it's your default way of communicating, then you do. If you sometimes holler because the three times you spoke nicely didn't register then you don't.

Maybe he's lying about the boys in the cloakroom to get his point across to you; maybe he's hiding who it was in case you confront them about it. In a way it doesn't matter - what matters is that he's telling you that the way you communicate isn't working for him.. and it clearly isn't working for you either, since you're getting exasperated so often.

There's a great book which would really help How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. As the title suggests, it's all about changing how you communicate with your children. There are various techniques, but the underlying principle is to move more towards negotiating agreements, and helping them take responsibility. It's exactly aimed at fixing the dynamic you're describing you have with your son.

And in fact, you could very much turn this current situation to your advantage: once you've read the book, you can use what's happened as the starting point with him for why you want to find a new way to interact. He'll be so proud that you've taken his feedback seriously that he'll really get on board.

My DS is 10 and will mutter 'you don't need to shout' when he doesn't like being told to do something. My response is always that I've asked him nicely and been ignored therefore I DID need to shout. That's life, think on.

Stop shouting. I'm on his side

Buy "how to talk" book. It's great.

I think you're still excusing your shouting though op. In the "he makes me do it" way

I don't let other people shout at my kids. I don't shout at kids where i work. We just don't shout. It's a choice. Like smacking.

You can parent without it.

Thanks for your comments everyone, I'm taking on board the trying not to shout as much. I'm a shit parent, hate it, try my best but am generally not cut out for it. I've always been this way with DS. He's adorable and funny and I love him to bits but even when younger was always more trying (for me anyway). I remember mentioning to a pal when he was about 3 that I was more shouty than the other mums and she replied yes but they don't have a son like yours. So maybe it's me, maybe it's him, maybe it's both of us but I'll try. Situation isn't helped by early menopause so am generally a tired hormonal wreck most of the time and in constant pain because of some hip problem that doctors can't seem to get to the bottom of. But I try not to let that show with the kids. Thought I actually managed quite well last week when pre-teen daughter was off on one of her Vicky Pollard soliloquies and I just kept smiling and ignored her. Hey ho. Onwards and upwards.

I don't think people are dismissing her son Imperial. The facts are contradictory. We now know that one friend comes round all the time and is due to come again on Tuesday.

Teal's tone was very judgemental.
Op has explained that it can be very irritating when you have told ds's to do something for the umpteenth Time, or when they kept pestering get for sleepover she was firm but consistent.
No one thinks shouting is great. No one is suggesting it as a fab parenting technique. But for some of us lesser mortals, it does occasionally happen.

Never, ever call yourself a shit parent, we all do our best.

What works for my family is to try and say yes as much as I can. I don't think play dates /sleepovers need to be organised in advance. If my kids ask if they can have a friend over whilst standing at the school gate I will say yes,or no I'm sorry we are going to grans/swimming lessons /whatever.

Likewise a sleepover, I might say no, not tonight because we have to get up early tomorrow or something. If they understand the reason behind the no answer they are more likely to accept it.

You don't sound like a shit parent to me OP

Voluptua you are NOT a shit parent. Sometimes we all have incidents that make us think about how we handle DC but it doesn't mean the DC are always right. You sound like you set boundaries and enforce them. I have a ton of friend who consult their DC instead of telling and I don't think it does children favours in the long run. (Or their inevitably frazzled parents)

Shit parents don't care if they shout too much. Definition of a good parent is caring when you get things wrong. It's possible to unlearn shouting as a way of dealing with pressure from DC. That How To Talk book is brilliant. So is Positive Parenting. Both taught me how to be a very calm parent (from having been very stressed) Now I shout about once every three or four months. Used to be a few times every day.

My children don't push things with their dad because he can be genuinely scary. He doesn't often shout but he is a big 6'5" man so when angry he is intimidating. I probably shout more often but it's when I'm really quiet that they know they have gone too far. Knowing your parents have their limits isn't a bad thing.

The How to talk book might be helpful not because you are 'shit' but because the communication between you and your son isn't quite working if he is either pestering and blackmailing you or you are overly snappy with him, or, most likely a bit of both. It might give you some more effective strategies perhaps - certainly it's much suggested over in the teenage section (also theres one called Get Out of My Life, but first take me and Alex into Town which is also highly recommended)

Most of us are just getting through things, and your examples of shouting don't sound to me like 'shouting at', calling out to use the back door or to rejoin a school group seem perfectly reasonable. If you are concerned perhaps ask the teacher who was supervising the trip if s/he thought there was a problem?

Kids hate shouting , dd used to hate going to her friends next door cos of her mum's shouting , always wondered why she only ever lasted 5 minutes over there.

I think you should take it on the chin and try and stop shouting

I agree - stop shouting.

I try never to raise my voice as I know my children hate it, and it doesn't work anyway - just makes you look a bit out of control. After all, as someone up thread said - we don't shout at other adults, so why would it be OK to shout at children?

When I was a kid going for tea or sleepovers etc were all arranged by parents in advance but these days it does seem to be a very spur of the moment playground thing. Which tbh makes more sense for the kids, if they have been having a wonderful day with a friend they want to continue it that day not some prearranged thing when they might have been enjoying someone else's company etc.
Is there a particular reason you can't have his friends over without prior warning? Do his friends have him to theirs unplanned in advance?

They generally do come over without prior warning but sometimes I like to have a relatively calm evening after a hectic week especially if I'm feeling crap. And I really do not need to justify that to anyone, including my son. Remember I did say it was fine if his pal wanted to come for a play, just not a sleepover because I know they would be up half the night disturbing everyone and end up with the grumpy fall out to deal with the next day. There seems to be an obsession with sleepovers and yes I let my kids have them but not all the time because then they become expected instead of special.
My kids get lots of pal time and fun stuff but sometimes it's just not convenient.
And regarding people not shouting at adults .... generally adults don't pester and pester and whinge and moan until they get what they want nor is another adult responsible for their well being so that's probably why some parents resort to shouting .

And for the record, today there were nine kids coming and going over the course of the day to play with DS. And I never raised my voice once. Even when (despite yesterday's conversation) DS asked for another sleepover for another pal. And asked if another two pals could come on holiday with us. And asked if same two pals could stay for tea.

And for the record, today I counted nine kids coming and going over the course of the day to play with DS. And I never raised my voice once. Not even when (despite yesterday's conversation) DS asked for another sleepover with a different pal. Or when he asked if two pals could come on holiday with us. Or if same two pals could stay for tea.

If he pesters you need to say lam not talking about this anymore. And shut it down. Stop responding.

Your son needs some strategy for negotiating playmates etc with you.

Is he lonely?9 sounds odd.