I really need some advice/slapped

[DesperatelyConfused]

Not really sure if this is the correct place to put this but it seems relevant. Just so you understand, I've struggled with this a long time and I just can't understand it.

I've got two children, my dd is the oldest at 5. And please don't misunderstand what I'm going to write, I love my daughter with all my heart. She's funny and strong willed, she's confident and so incredibly smart and loving.

I don't like her very much though and I can't understand why. She's bossy with her sibling, she doesn't listen, she throws major tantrums and she is just plain nasty sometimes. It makes my blood boil, it makes me reluctant to hug or kiss her, to spend time with her.

But at the same time I love her. She makes me so proud, so happy and she's extremely helpful. I love doing things I know will make her happy, I probably spend more time trying to please her than I do her sibling even though he is generally a little angle and is rarely in trouble.

I'm not sure what's going on in my head. I've wondered at times if I didn't like her very much because she's so like me and I don't like myself very much either. It's not that I'm a bad person, I just have had a difficult life and had children young. I suffer from depression and so much of the time feel like I'm an awful parent (especially with my daughter). I feel like I'm constantly failing and I'm petrified that one day my bright beautiful little girl is going to pick up on the fact that I prefer spending time with her brother than her and I don't want that. I don't want her hurt or feeling rejected or unwanted or unloved.

I just don't understand why I feel this way, she's an innocent child and doesn't deserve a mother that sometimes doesn't like her much (and it is only sometimes, there can be days where I don't feel that way at all). I never consciously push her away, she gets the same amount of cuddles and kisses as her sibling and I constantly tell her I love her. We read stories together and play together and generally do everything that a mum and daughter would.

I just feel so incredibly guilty about the way I feel. I don't know what to do about it anymore, it eats away at me. I'm petrified that she'll pick up on it.

So wise parents of mumsnet, any advice? Be gentle please, I know it's a horrible way to feel about your own child and trust me if I can change that I will. I love my daughter very much, I would be lost without her. I just don't know how to change the other way I feel at times.

It sounds like you're doing just fine

It's perfectly ok to love your kids but not like them sometimes. Try not to over analyse it too much as that's likely to just lead to more stress.

The fact that you've posted and how you've posted speaks volumes about the love you have. Be kinder to yourself

Are you me?
I felt like this about my son, awful.

I used to do the bedtime routine but I counted down the minutes to getting him to bed & getting away from him from the moment he woke in the morning.
I also had pnd which I never got help for until he was 3.

My saviour was nursery and then school.

However, every evening at bedtime I would snuggle him in bed, kiss him,tell him that I love him more than anything and I would tell him 3 things that he had done that day to make me proud/smile.
Some days all I could think of was that he had breathed well. To me his behaviour was so bad in my depressed fog. It wasn't, it was my perception and how I compared him to friends kids at that age. BIG mistake, negative cycle of doom right there.

This bedtime routine really helped me to break the badness and end the day on a positive. I felt better about the way I felt just knowing that I hadn't felt these awful things for 100% of our day.

Thanks for the replies :) I've got a habit of always overanalysing @Shakey, I constantly compare my relationship with my daughter to the one with my mother (not great as a child, I was the one that always felt unloved and unwanted. Much better as an adult).

I suffered from pnd after she was born too, some ways I still suffer from it but the anti depressants and counselling didn't help a lot. I learned more to stop blaming my daughter for her behaviour and start blaming my parenting Tbh. Single mum and no other support about and sometimes it feels so constant and so overwhelming that I just don't know how to cope anymore. I'm still the same with bedtime, count down the minutes until it's time to put the kids to bed and I can just relax and try to feel like a person again.

I think you're idea of telling three things that had made you proud/smile is a brilliant idea though, my dd does so much that makes me feel that way, sometimes it's just hard to see when everything goes all tits up and the naughty behaviour begins. I might try that though, her face always lights up when I tell her that I'm proud or she's made me happy.

Getting it all out has made me feel a little better too, it's a weight I've been carrying for a long time now.

I like the three things as well

Ah yes. Crap childhoods, remember it well. But for those of us who felt unloved by our own mother's, at least we know how not to behave. But it's natural to worry if we've picked up some traits.

I imagine it took a while to write your OP, but it's true that once it's "out there" and you realise there are other's feeling the same way, it feels less overwhelming