stranger danger - what, if anything, have you told your kids?

[wannaBe1974]

We had a letter home from preschool today. Apparently it was issued by the school attached to the preschool. On Friday a suspicious-looking man was seen hanging around the school, letter gave description etc, and this man then followed a young lad home. Police have been called etc and descriptions issued and so on, but the school thought it appropriate to issue a letter to all parents, including those of the preschoolers.

Obviously ds is too young to be wandering around on his own as it were, but we have had chats about not talking to strangers, but I don't want to go overboard on this point iykwim - I am not a paranoid person and I don't believe that there is a paedofile lurking around every corner, but I do want ds to be streetwise and aware that not every person is a nice person. I believe that by over emphasising the facts can cause more fear than is necesssary - a friend used to tell her then 3 year old not to run off because a bad man would get him, and he then started running to her asking where the bad man was, or that he could see the bad man etc.

so what, if anything have you told your kids? I was thinking along the lines of "most people are nice people but not everyone is nice, so it's best not to talk to people that you don't know". but is that too simplistic?

I have always said that they can talk to anyone if I'm with them,(I don't want them to miss out on the lovely chats they have with total strangers in Tescos!) and if they are lost or in trouble they can talk to anyone behind the counter in a shop. Apart from that, I say that they shouldn't talk to strangers because a very few strangers aren't nice and you can't tell the nice ones just by looking. I also say that no nice person would mind if a child refused to talk to them, so not to worry about being rude - nice people would understand and nasty ones don't matter. I also toss into the mix every now and again that they don't have to keep secrets they don't want to keep, and that telling me isn't the same as telling anyone else someone else's secret, because I can decide whether it's a secret that's OK to keep, and if it is, I'll keep it too. This last bit is because the risk (vanishingly small as it is) is greater from people they know than people they don't.

dont talk to strange people they will take you away and never let you come home. and i will be cross. if you get lost go to a telephone box and ring 999.

or

when older ( from around 10) - dont talk to strangers they could take you away and rape and kill you.

or

if your out on your own and you dont feel safe run to the nearest house. ask a stranger to pretend to speak to you as though they know you.
ring me on mobile
ring police

realist - yes sireee.

I'd go along curlew's lines (but make sure my birthday present was exempted from the secrets bit ). custardo, when did you last see a working phone box? (genuine question, not a dig. Haven't seen one round London in ages.)

think that's a decent enough explanation, WB1974.
This morning I got a bit paranoid about a taxi driver that took me and the kids to school. He could be genuinely a nice,friendly person don't get me wrong but I was surprised when he called my kids by their first names this morning.It's not as though we know him very well. I asked him to park up near the school "while I just go and have a word with someone" and took my kids round the corner out of his sight. I then asked my older daughter if he'd heard her brother and sister calling her by her first name. She said,"No.He surprised me Mummy.How does he know me?" I then had to tell them-hopefully without frightening them-that they musn't leave school with anyone but me.No matter how much they make out they know them.Probably scared them to death but I was just a little freaked out by it.

I don't know what I did wrong with my first stranger danger talk with my dd at approx 3.5yr old, but she told a friend he shouldn't run away from his mum or a dragon would get him and take him to the woods!!!!!

It was a good six months after my sil started the stranger-danger conversations that my neice said "Mummy, what's a stranger?"

80% of children who are abused are abused by someone they know. IMHO, telling children that's it's OK to say "NO" is more important that the stranger danger thing. And never tell a child they have to kiss someone they don't want to kiss. If they have to kiss Granny when they don't want to, how are they going to be able to say no to Uncle Fred? (with apologies to all lovely Uncle Fred's........!)

I was thinking about this yesterday, as had a long chat with DD (3.10) about what to do if she got lost - find a policeman, or ask somebody else with children with them. She's obviously also picked up about ringing 999 if it's an emergency. But then I tried to add into the mix about not going away with anyone she didn't know, but I don't think she quite got that. She'd been so clear about what she'd do if she was lost, and how someone would take her to the police station, and I would find her, that I just left it, and thought that now wasn't the right moment, and that I might end up mixing messages. But I do want to go back to it, and think of something very simple to tell her, which doesn't conflict with the "what to do if you are lost" conversation, because I know that getting lost is a million times more likely than being abducted.

I suggest the "ask for help from someone behind the counter in a shop" line. Useful if they're lost, or if they are a bit older and out on their own and scared by something.

hallgerda - have one at end of our street - i take on board though that different areas require diferent thinking.

we use telephone box technique for reverse charge when kids are stuck with no transport somewhere after meeting friend

this is becuase my kids havent had mobile phones beuse i have an objection in principle. - my son does now - but thats becuase his bro gave hm one.

I've told mine never to go off with anyone, even if they know them, unless I've okd it. After all, as curlew says, the vast majority of abuse occurs within the group of people known to the child. I'm ok tbh with mine talking to people, I hate this paranoia., plus I don't want to make them terrified of every one, or be rude or bad mannered. Anyway, trying to get any of mine to shut up would be a miracle. They are not to go off alone, and I need to know where they are, and must double check with me before they go anywhere, like I said, even if they know the person already. Last visit to UK, fil wandered off with ds1 (to the pub?/corner shop?/ neighbours?) Neither had told us that they they were going, never mind where, so while we obviously didn't have any concerns about fil, we did have panic not knowing where ds was, as he hadn't even told me he was going anywhere.

Must admit, probably haven't done enough of this sort of thing. Thanks for the thread. You've made me think.

I'm a bit paranoid about stranger danger coz I really think a clever paedophile could quite easily get past any amount of training we tell kids. I saw a programme about it on Oprah once where they went to a park and a "stranger" asked kids to help him find his lost puppy - QED to suck in all the kids I think. Even then, the case of the paedophile hiding in the 12? year old's divan for 3 months without her mother knowing beggars belief.

Have told ds (4)not to talk to people he doesn't know unless he's with me - coz I think as soon as they get talking a bond can be built. He seems to do a pretty good assessment on "dodgy" looking people and ignores them - but completely at ease with anyone who looks usual and has a child with them. Also told him never to take food or lollies from people he doesn't know. But I have seen him accept lollies from children's parents at the park.

On the "people you know" side of things - I thought dp did a good job the other day when he was having a bath with ds and I overheard ds ask if he could touch dp's penis. Dp said no, penises were not for other people to touch and if anyone asked him to touch theirs he should say no and tell Mum or Dad. Ds replied that he could touch his own penis and dp assured him that was fine .

There's a Berenstain Bears book on Strangers.

I'm for sure there are other books on strangers for preschoolers.

would be interested to know if tere is a book on it. DS1 is overtly friendly and i don't want to change that but i do want to excercise caution. he is at the stage of believing everything books tell him so that would be useful.

(altho i now have to look for the gruffalo behind every tree lol)