Giving up job to be SAHM, come back to bite me

[Crosspollenation]

I gave up my job many years ago (DS 17 DD 14) to be SAHM. Loved job in music biz but no flexible working in those days and would have worked late having a lovely time going to gigs etc...sadly doesn't work with babies. Also DH was earning less but needed an opportunity to grow his career. Kids appreciated it when they were younger though DH still thought that he was the only one doing all the work as he had a 9-5, & screaming babies was easy peasy. Since they are teenagers both DH, DS & DD often say "you don't do anything" (wonder where they got that message from ?)...well...red rag to a cow ...I work as a volunteer in a charity (for over 6 years now), sort out DIY , builders etc.. at home, am a reluctant house keeper, manage holiday let and navigate school issues & commitments, organise holidays, leisure activities, the latter just to have a sense of self ! You get the picture. But it is coming back to bite me because apart from holiday let, I don't earn money so I am told "I don't do anything". Well blow me down, i thought I did. DH thinks that going to work every day, ie going to an office & getting paid is near enough the only thing that a DH should do, (he is Italian) . Also I have brought in family money to the table (& alongside that the family sword of Damocles hanging over my head which I also have to manage) so from that perspective he is not the only one who contributes financially.
Suggestions on how to feel a tad more recognised....Grrr.

You could find paid work and are choosing not to. Your children are nearly adults so let them sort their own open days, clubs etc particulary as they don't appreciate what your doing.
With all your experience you should be able to pick up something in the field you enjoy.

I admire your voluntary work and would never discourage you from continuing. Wider society needs you and some (like me) do appreciate your work, but most, unfortunately, are deeply ungrateful. Could you turn it into paid work in some form or fashion? Perhaps networking with agency staff and others to see whether there are opportunities? If not, keep doing it because it fulfills you but keep an active eye out for some paying work as well?

Moaning, ungrateful behaviours won't change. That's part of teen temperament.

And yes, down tools for a while and let them see what happens! Sadly, if you and your 70 colleagues+ were to "down tools," wider society would suffer and not even understand why. AT least in your home, there stands a chance of a lesson learned! Good luck and enjoy your night out ;)

Agree with what Poppy say's here "Your family are telling you they don't appreciate what you put into the family, for what you take out. It's all very well and good doing the free counselling and being a beacon in the community, but money makes the world go round."

So could you see a few private clients a week alongside your volunteering? you can always rent a room for this it doesn't have to be at home.

^What LonnyVonny said but also I think you need to think about what sort of role model you want to be for your DD? Directionless, undervalued and middle aged?

Sorry that is quite harsh but you will be treated in the way you perceive yourself and allow yourself to be treated. Working in the music business 17 yrs ago is to all intents irrelevant unless you still have contacts and skill/expertise which can be updated and bring you some value.

Must be plenty of private work available counselling troubled singers/musicians I would have thought though ....

I think you need to go back to paid employment. It is obvious tgat your husband is blind to the contribution you are making to the marriage, but you also need it because you know deep down that you would feel in more equal footing with your husband if you were bringing a regular salary in (it will also put you in a very good footing to demand more respect and appreciation because then you would be in a position to... Leave him, which I know is not what you want but, men tend to be more accommodating when they know you have the means to walk out if you wanted to).

One thing I have learned is that after years away of your dream job, it is very difficult to find something at the same level, but a year working non perfect jobs in the right direction will take you neare to that dream job than continue doing other things that fill the time but do not fulfil you.

Volunteering is NOT self indulgent - more and more it supports vital services in the community. If you can do it, it is valuable for the community and for individuals. We are not islands and many families and individuals rely on these services and without volunteers many would not exist. The attitude shown by the poster who thinks it is is sad at best, money is not the only thing that makes the world go round!
Volunteering may give you a sense of focus away from the family.
I work for myself part time (This works in my profession) and volunteer in the community, I don't make loads of money but I know that the resource I volunteer for could easily not exist, I keep busy and can focus on things that aren't directly related to my family.
I know I am lucky to be in this position now (this hasn't always been the case) but at this point in life is more valuable to our family and my mental wellbeing than a low paid job for the sake of a job.

I think that I would find counseling very gratifying, and I think that after all those years if experience you can allow yourself to wander out of this lovely voluntary work and apply for jobs in the same area.

It's a shame that volunteering for no pay doesn't give people state pension entitlements though. It's a small return for the country.

It is obvious tgat your husband is blind to the contribution you are making to the marriage

I agree with this TheMother but I also think OP is blind to the contribution her DH makes too. He is funding this voluntary work, after all. If he wasn't there to pay the mortgage and utilities and food bills I humbly suggest that this bright, resourceful OP would have found herself a paying job years ago...

I'm not blind to the contribution OP and other volunteers make - far from it, I volunteer myself - but everything in balance. OP could easily volunteer 2 days a week and set up her own practice for 3, for example.

Juneau, Might try to find one of those craft scissors with serrated edges to decorate the edge my piece of paper ! Tee hee

totally on your wave length on the suit and sit in office all day, there are more ways than one to skin a cat, (what an odd expression).

Teenagers & holding breath, I would be 6 ft under !

Like Tripot says, a salutory tale of having DH supportive and what message we pass on to our children about team work and shared responsibility, paid work or not paid work.

The line that 'Dh earned less but needed an opportunity to grow his career', therefore you sacrificed yours, is very sad.

If you're volunteering then you have time away from he home, so perhaps you should return to paid work now? Your years of volunteering won't be cancelled out, you'll still have done an awful lot of good, but you'll be on a more equal footing?

Is your DH supportive? It read to me that he was the source of your children's attitude. Obviously if your DH does support you then the children should be told to be more respectful.

You and DH are not on the same page are you?

Either he's not valuing what you do or you're not appreciating he'd like you to earn money now your children are the age they are, or something else altogether - it's that which would concern me - that there's this disconnect.

It's up to each couple/family to find what works for them but there seems resentment here on both sides. How do you see that in the future?

Re bringing home bacon...it is coming back to "my" sty ! I bought a house pre meeting DH, no mortgage (20 yrs ago when property was under £150,000 in London). I used, saved and inherited money to support us too especially at beginning when DH was on £9,000 a year!. it is just that I haven't been paid by an employer.

But you are right, the security of having a roof over our head meant that i did not pull out all stops to get a paid job but rather stayed at home with kids & took a different job path.

Off to my unpaid work now...

I wouldn't worry too much about how things would get done with you working. Your example of the open day for uni seems an odd one. Surely you would still be supporting your kids with this sort of thing - prompting and making sure they know what steps to take and where to find info etc. whether you are in paid work or not?

If you're a qualified counsellor with several years' experience, why not seek paid employment in that role now?

Your family's failing to recognise all you've done in the past is crappy. But they may start to notice if you set up a fair rota once in fulltime paid employment yourself. Funny how fast invisible work starts to be visible when everyone has to do it.

Incidentally, your post has been helpful. I've been a SAHM for 7 years now, and have an interview for an unpaid but very respected & training-intensive volunteer role on Tuesday, which suddenly seems even more essential. At least one of my two has a disability (the toddler's being neurotypical is still jury out - DS' ASD only became really obvious at 5, but she has indications and we just don't know if that is all it is yet), so I can only do anything professional a couple of days a week, and volunteering is about it in my (prior) line of work.

I'll be working as hard as anyone paid, after six intensive months of training, but not only is it socially useful - it will keep my hand in in terms of future employability. As has your counselling.

Have you considered extending the retraining so you are a qualified psychotherapist, or even psychologist? You've an awful lot of potential working life ahead of you, after all. Especially these days, when retirement is retreating back and back.

So could you see a few private clients a week alongside your volunteering? you can always rent a room for this it doesn't have to be at home.

A lot of alternative health centres work that way. A shared workplace with assorted self-employed practitioners, not an employer.

There are presumably also charities and businesses that pay counsellors with enough experience, too? Though if you can afford it as a family, I think gaining more qualifications would be a really good idea. And they can hardly grumble at that, given the attitude that you currently don't do anything. Not unless they think university for them is a waste!

There is limited funding available for psych practitioners, sadly (mental health has always been the NHS Cinderella) but worth a look, maybe? I'm assuming here that you already have a first degree. If you don't, then you'd be entitled to full student funding - and unless things have changed on that score in the past decade (very possible, admittedly) a parent with a dependant child at university cannot be assessed at the same time for a dependant spouse at university, so you'd be assessed as an individual on your own earnings, not his.

You and DH, you don't really consider yourselves a team, do you OP?

Another long term SAHM here. I think sleeponeday has some good ideas. You can also do counselling during the day from home - cut the volunteer hours and have a day working at home. Also, worth learning a bit of website design/marketing/finance to set yourself up as self-employed and then find a centre. I have friends who work this way.

As for being a role model to your teens - don't fret - I know plenty of SAHMs who have reared over-achieving teens. One I know had 4 hopeless teens who wouldn't tidy a bedroom, used a fresh large towel for every shower - the worst one has made a mint tidying up the finances and filing in small businesses; none of them stop learning, working or travelling.

Sorry to be blunt op but you need to either down tools at home, get a job or find a way to value yourself for what you do irrespective of what your family think. Or all of the above. If you became a paid full time counsellor of course stuff like open days would still get done- plenty of women work full time and have organised houses and kids in uni, it's just that everyone in the household contributes to the running of the household. My sister re trained and started full time last year after being a SAHM (+unpaid classroom volunteering) for 14 years and it has been a rude awakening for her teenagers but they'll live.

OP what would counsellor you say to unhappy you? You have given a lot of pro bono hours through your voluntary work and are an experienced counsellor. Surely it's time you started to be paid for some of your counselling services even if it means going to work part time and for another service. Once your youngest reached 12 you stopped getting NI credits and that will have a massive impact on your state pension.

I don't see getting paid work as the answer to all your problems. I think it's great you are able to do voluntary work, so many people rely on it and I think you are making a greater contribution to society doing this than seeing private clients. If your dh sees this as doing nothing the problem is with him not the voluntary work.