Just had a heartbreaking conversation with DS...

[Maddison]

We have just been talking and he says that no-one at school wants to play with him, or share things with him. He says he just plays alone because all the kids his age (5-6) call him names like 'stinky boy', 'naughty boy' and 'girly boy'. He says the bigger girls don't call him names, just the little kids.

I spoke to his last teacher about this and she assures me that he doesn't play alone as they have a buddy system, but my heart is breaking in 2 to hear him talk like this. I'm so worried that he's not fitting in

Any pearls of wisdom would be much appreciated.

oh I am so sorruy

I can't help, but want to say that whatever is happening is probably temporary, the stupid little kids will grow out of it soon.

In the meantime, hopw about signing him up for something to do after school, like cubs?

Try Kidscape for advice, you can google their website and they have a helpline.

Poor little guy. The school's response isn't enough if this behaviour is still continuing. I'm not 100% sure about the buddy thing but maybe it is an older girl who befriends him rather than one of his peers?

is there any foundation for this that the teacher can see ? He may not be alone but could still feel lonely iyswim. Perhaps they could do something in circle time on friendship and inclusion ? Do you see any of his peers outside school ?

I had the smae with my son at about age 7. He was very naive and immature I suppose and it didn't help that he changed schools too. It was heart breaking to sit him down and explain that evryone wouldn't want to be his friens and that other kids were basicly taking the piss out of him, he thought it was all a game.

We had to make sure he new when kids were being horrible and that he had to stand up for himselve, others might not agree but we told him he could fight back both verbally and physicaly.

He is a very funny and wity boy so I found it strange that he wasn't answering back. I think he thought it was wrong and bad, so we gave him a few lines to use as well as telling him it was OK to walk away but that that doesn't always work as sometimes they keep going until they get a reaction.

You may have to go through various strategies and techniques to best equip him and give him confidence to cope. It is reasuring to hear that he doesn't play alone and that they have buddy systems. Have another chat with the school and see what other playground intititives they have or may introduce.

My son now nearly 10 has recently completed a 2 day mediation course so he can't be a playground mediator, they have a couple of mediators on duty each palytime and another couple in a room in the school that kids can go to for a chat.

NannyOrg, I wish they would grow out of it, but this seems to have gone on since day one of school (He's in Y1 btw) I'm thinking of signing him up for something after school. I'd like something physical, but also something that's calming too. Any ideas??

Nearlythree, the buddy system is where older children look out for the younger ones, if they see them on their own they either find somebody for them to play with or they play with them. I will have a look at the Kidscape website, thank you so much for that.

Lizs I don't even know if they have 'circle time', but i see what you mean about him still being lonely even if it's when he's with people.

TBH I don't get the feeling it's bothering him much, when I asked him if he likes x, y or z he said no and that he doesn't like any of the other kids. I'm sure this isn't true, he was invited to a couple of birthday parties at the weekend and he thoroughly enjoyed himself. I think part of the problem is he can get a little over excited and tends to get quite rough, but then what little boy doesn't??

He also has a brilliant imagination, the deputy head once told DH that the older kids like to talk to him because they love his conversations. At times it's like he's in his own little world and I'm reluctant to drag him out of it, the way I see it, he has plenty of time to live in the real world

Thanks for that Skribble, I know what you mean about other kids taking the piss and DS thinking it's a game. He is very naive and immature too. We didn't want him to fight so we drummed it into him to go and tell a teacher whenever someone does or says something that hurts him, but if it doesn't stop I'll have no qualms about telling him to fight back. Can i just ask how long this went on for with your son??

Maddison - I had the same conve rsation the other day with my DD. She's 4 and is at nursery. Same thing - no one plays with her, she just cries and cries, etc. I talked to her teacher who said absolutely not, she's one of the more popular girls and she's never on her own unless she wants to be. With DD, I think she's trying out a bit of kiddy emotional blackmail due to DD2 recently appearing. I also think they have those moments like we do when, for example, you're at a big event with lots of other people and the person you've been talking to disappears to the loo/bar/whatever and you look around and everyone else is talking to each other so unless you want to stand there on your own, you've got to go and try to join another group of people which can be intimidating.

So I'm not saying that what your little boy has said isn't true, just that there's a chance that what he means might not be the same as what he says. Is there any way you could spy on him in the playground one day? It might put your mind at rest or give you reason to talk more to his teacher.

It is hard to tell how long it went on for, he does the opposite and says everything is fine, plus a lot of things probably looked horrible to me but are pretty meaningless in the playground.

The fighting back thing is difficult, we have shown him a few self defence techniques (DH is a trainer), not the keys in the cheek or the high heel down the calf stuff.

At lot of it is about confidence, and things like off balancing someone who is trying to push you, right through to the nitty gritty of what do do if you end up on the ground. But he knows he has our backing if not the teachers if he needs to punch certain boys who have caused more problems than others, in fact I would say well done.

Being able to speak back in a comanding voice is important but very difficult, but makes a big difference and helps others around you to realise what is going on with out having to go and tell on them, Saying very loudly "Leave me alone" or "Stop pushing me" can attract support of peers or teachers.

An activity might be a good idea, personaly I wouldn't go for the obvious choice of judo or karate, simply because they were full of the type of boys that were hounding him at school.

DS joined the Beavers and has just moved up to Scouts, means when he moves up to high school he will know a few faces, DH says this made a big difference to him when he was young. He is off to another camp on Friday and loves it. It is very boyish and rough and tumble but the leaders are very strict but are fantasic.

He also goes to a club at the local National trust place, which has given him lots of confidence and another totaly different crowd to mix with. He did gymnastics for a while but the lack of boys left him feeling left out and he dropped out.

He did a week of snowboarding and I think we will start weekly lessons, great physicaly and for concentration and the daft ones that want to muck about just end up falling over as it is a sport that requires a bit more attetion just to stay upright.

He is never going to be a streetwise ned who hangs out at the park but i don't want that anyway, but he is a lot more "cool" these days .

This too
will pass

Skribble, that;s interesting about avoiding judo or karate. Our dd1 isn't being bullied but we had thought of sending her to one or the other so that she learns defence techniques in case she ever needs them (and send dd2 and ds in due course). But I wouldn't want her to go where she is likely to be intimidated. Could you suggest anywhere she could learn defence techniques away from martial arts classes? (sorry for the hijack!)

Not sure where they could learn actual self defence, DS did Judo for a while but it certainly wouldn't have helped him to defend himself if attacked, not what he had been learning. Well prehaps if they had done a jdo move on him he had learned . They do lots of positioning and moves etc not fighting or self defence to start with as such.

The stuff my DH does is call Conflict Resolution Training, can be used for training airline staff, A&E nurses, security guards etc. Would be handy if you want to ground pin someone in the playground until the teacher comes .

Maddison,
This could be my post this evening. Just had a heartbreaking talk with DS1 (5) who explained that he has no friends at school and plays by himself at break as no one wants to play with him. Have written a note in his "Communication Book" to his teacher so I'll see what comes of that.
Feel tearful. His behaviour has really deteriorated recently and I have just put it down to me being 5 months pg, new school, hormones etc. Became suspicious this week when he came home from school twice in spare clothes as his uniform was covered in mud. Turns out he has been pushed into the mud twice by another child in his year, who also tore up his origami puppet, and empties his school bag out. It all came out this evening. He says he is unhappy at school, feels sorry for himself but didn't want to worry me.
Several other posters strike a chord. He too has a vivid imagination and is quite "girly" in that he loves to read, sew and even got his grandma to start him on some knitting. He is also quite bright and I know he is the only one in the class who can read. There's no buddy system in place, other than "reading buddies" which he enjoys.
I guess I am just surprised, as he always seemed to get on so naturally with other children in the past, and was fine at pre-school. Oh and he hasn't been invited to any of the birthday parties so far, and there have been at least three.
I suppose I will have to wait and see what his teacher says.

Ds (5) started saying this last year. I went in to talk to his teacher and she said she was quite surprised to hear it as he very sociable. Turns out he devises all these bizarre and convoluted games that no-one else could be bothered with. So he "had no-one to play with". I did suggest that he join in with other people's games, but he said he thinks they're boring. Sometimes he's very like his father .

Last week I took dd into the preschool next to the school and watched ds in the playground. He was interacting most of the time, although he did flit between different games. I think it's just his personality (like I say, he's like my dh) and he will adapt as he gets older.

It does absolutely break your heart though .

I know Becky. Waiting for DH to come in from work and feel upset just at the thought of telling him about it.
You just wonder whether YOU did anything wrong in the past. Should I not have taught him to read so early? Is this making him "different"? Bloody hell, should I be buying him an Xbox/gameboy, as this seems to be the in thing for his age group to talk about/play when they get home? I'm not serious, but it's probably the fact that his favourite DVD is "Walking with Dinosaurs" and not Powerangers that makes him different. I like the fact that he comes home from school and writes all sorts of phonic imaginary stories, rather than playing Halo. Do they really have to do all this "toxic" stuff to fit in?

DS says this at least 3 days per week. I've been in to talk to DS's teachers over the past 3 years and they say he is really popular & sociable!
Check with the teacher again Maddison, but it may be he is a sensitive soul who tends to pick up on the bad bits of the day, rather than remember the good bits.

DS1 spent a good few weeks at start of reception with no friends, standing by the wall on his own etc. I was heartbroken, especially the day I saw him!

But now in year 2, he is in a group of 4 friends that play every day together, he loves school. He'll never be cool or in 'the gang' and we don't get many party invites but he found his likeminded people in the end! Some children just take longer to sort themselves out than others - if he could do it, I'm sure your DS can!

DS1 spent a good few weeks at start of reception with no friends, standing by the wall on his own etc. I was heartbroken, especially the day I saw him!

But now in year 2, he is in a group of 4 friends that play every day together, he loves school. He'll never be cool or in 'the gang' and we don't get many party invites but he found his likeminded people in the end! Some children just take longer to sort themselves out than others - if he could do it, I'm sure your DS can!

I think my DS is the same he is never going to be one of the "in crowd" but I just hope he can hold his own as they say.

The "in crowd" at my school were the ones who went on to do YTS or sign on the dole, and generaly hung about drinking in the park as teenagers so I am quite happy that he doesn't fit in with all these neds. He is 10 and still into dinosaurs, the natural world etc. He is doing a talk next week about a subject and he choose to do dinosaurs, I hope he doesn't get slagged for it, but its his choice. Just have visions of "About a Boy".

But back to the 5 and 6 year olds, they can tell tall tales about what goes on in the playground and don't always fit in straight away as the playground dynamics change. At nursery the focus is on the toys but as they move up the focus changes to games and freindships and they all have different rules and there is a lot of negotiating, compremise and basicly fitting in.

Only just looked at this thread as in similar position as Maddison.
When I spoke to DD teacher was told that DD is always playing with someone. However she didn't truly convince me.(the teacher that is)
DD v. rarely gets invites to parties so sometimes I wonder if DD is telling me the truth.
Skribble I hope your right about them growing out of the situation, and it is comforting to know it happens in other schools too.
DD has started karate since me being aware of the situation and she is learning self defence as well as fighting back!!
Maddison hope your DS has a better day today

Not all kids will "grow out of it" perhaps but I think it does get easier for them to cope with playing and making freinds,

Not sure if others agree but I always see a big difference from nursery/preschool/P1 to P2. P2 (year1) seem to make a big jump emotionaly. They are more interested in grown ups and childrens homelife etc and and less self orientated they start to form cliques and stronger freindships, whereas the younger ones tend to just play with whoever is playing what they want or has the toy they want. Some kids don't make this jump as soon as others and still think everyone will play with them ends up they can feel sidelined.

MY DS ended up trying to play with the younger kids as they must have been playing the way he wanted too, didn't help that he had a speech delay too.

I think it's hard not to feel your child is the only one who isn't popular - sounds as though there are lots of them around! My DS1 was never too upset really - I was still weeping buckets but friends used to point out that he wasn't bothered. I think that would be a different situation though, if they were coming out of school upset

I had a nice e-mail from DS's teacher today. She is looking into the shoving into mud incidents etc, but tells me that DS thinks that the other boys play "boring" games, similar to Becky's DS. She says he is quite sociable and interacts with the other children, so I feel better. I think he just has to learn some of the playground "rules" - a bit of give and take. I do feel a bit shortchanged by the school though. Not exactly "international" when they put 13 Korean girls in with 4 "western" boys, two of whom seem to have teamed up and one other who seems to be off school permamently with asthma (poor thing). No wonder DS feels a bit excluded.