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Original poster

AIBU to think FIL was spiteful?

45 replies

MrsHelenBee · 04/06/2015 21:47

Hi everyone.
Just wondered if people think I overreacted as I still feel really angry and upset about what happened yesterday.
I took my DS's to visit my inlaws, which has always been really nice. They're kind and loving people.
DS1 is 3 and was playing when his grandad asked him for a 'high five'. Any other time, he's grinned and obliged straight away, with lots of giggles to follow, so tbh, I was a bit surprised when he said no very flatly. I spoke to him quietly to say it wasn't the nicest way to talk to Pops and he apologised, then went back to playing with his toys.
A minute later, my FIL asked, "Are you coming on holiday with us in the summer?" We told our DS some months back that the whole family were going on holiday, and he's been so excited whenever we've talked about it, so he replied "Yes I am! It's very exciting, I'm going on a plane and going on holiday everyone!!" My FIL then looked deadpan and said "No you're not, you're not coming." My son looked confused for a minute, then smiled and said "You're silly Pops, yes I am." To which, my FIL said very firmly, "NO. You're not!" I was waiting for the laughter, but it never came, and I was shocked. I didn't know what to say and, after watching DS walk away and play in silence for 20 minutes, I made an excuse so we could leave. Now, I wish I'd said something and been a better mummy to my DS.
As we pulled away in the car, DS still looked so upset and told me he was very sad because Daddy had got it wrong. I asked him what he meant and he said, "Daddy was wrong. He said we would all go on a plane together but he's wrong. I'm not going." I told him Pops was joking and he was going on holiday with Mummy, Daddy, his baby brother, and all the rest of the fsmily but he burst into tears saying I was wrong and that he wasn't going, over and over. Nothing I could say would calm him and the next thing I knew he'd undone his seatbelt. I was on the motorway and I panicked. I yelled at him and was absolutely terrified for the next two miles? Until I could get off the mororway, stop and strap him in again. He was in such a state and kept saying he was very sorry and that it was all his fault.
He cried all the way home and was still very quiet when DH finally got home. My DS is the happiest, most loving and gentle boy I know, and DH asked what was wrong almost straight away. I spoke to him away from the boys, hoping for understanding, but all he said was "Did Dad really say that? And then he really laughed and walked away.
Am I being really stupid here not to have seen a funny side to it at all??? Who says that to a 3 year old?!!! My son is bright but couldn't possibly understand it as funny, and while my FIL has no idea what happened in the car, I'm still so angry with him. I'm really angry at myself for being too stunned to know what to say and put it right. To me, what he said was cruel and spiteful.

OP posts:

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Penfold007 · 05/06/2015 08:30

You now know your FIL is prepared to treat your children as badly as he treats you. He will make sure DH doesn't hear him though. Did MIL hear him?
Just keep on protecting the children.

Fugghetaboutit · 05/06/2015 08:33

Why didn't you say something like 'granddad only I'm sure ds, don't worry' in front of him

DinosaursRoar · 05/06/2015 12:26

When DS is in bed tonight, sit down with your DH and talk about it again. He needs to see this isn't acceptable to you,and how does he think you can tackle it together? Does DH want to have a word with his dad? Does he not have the sort of relationship where he can tell his dad quietly he went too far, if not, then perhaps that should be a sign to DH that his dad's behaviour is really 'that bad' - perhaps frame that as "if you do something that upsets your future grandchild and daughter in law, would you prefer it if the way DS deals with it is to talk to you quietly and give you a chance to make amends, or by DS and his future wife just staying away from us as much as possible and us only seeing any future grandchildren when our daughter in law can't think of an excuse not to come over?"

It might also be worth talking about how you are going to 'handle' FIL on the holiday, and say that you expect DH to stand up for you and your DS.

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Faffette · 05/06/2015 16:58

Have you explained to your son that his grandfather was being mean and shouldn't have made that joke? Maybe your son needs to know the fault lies with his grandfather and not his own. I am not sure I am explaining this right.

wombatcheese · 05/06/2015 19:22

how really horrid of FIL. I understand feeling too shocked to react protectively as you would normally. it sounds as if FIL maybe feels as he's paying for the holiday he can do/behave as he likes and no one will question him out of gratitude for the free holiday.

squizita · 05/06/2015 20:39

I had a relative with this sense of humour. I think they'd learned it, they honestly didn't understand how crushing it was.
I can recall my DDAD telling them off for wrapping empty boxes at Xmas to teach us life is cruel sometimes.

It must have been awful for you both.

You need to speak to DH and explain exactly how your boy reacted. The child needs reassurance from his dad.

Ugh that whole account makes me remember similar. Poor mite.

Justusemyname · 05/06/2015 20:43

Your fil would have got his wish if you'd have crashed with your child not strapped in. What a twat.

MilesHuntsWig · 05/06/2015 20:52

Wow, what a weird thing to say to a 3yo. Could you call him and explain that "his funny little joke has really upset DS and could he explain that it was just something silly and of course he's going on holiday as it's a special treat for MIL and that grandad was just being silly (a massive twat)"? Or would your FIL not go for it? I sometimes find calling people on bad behaviour works...

Woodenheart · 05/06/2015 20:59

I wouldn't be going on the holiday, & I would tell everyone what a horrible man he is to you.

Queazy · 06/06/2015 06:59

What a horrible man. He likes to bully you and will use that same behaviour with a 3yo. Tell your DH exactly how your lo reacted and just how hurt he was. Perhaps then tell him they can visit at your house in future and you'll be speaking out if he's unkind again. I've done it myself but please don't stay silent if your FIL criticises you - don't let him think it's ok to treat anyone in your family that way. He didn't do it because he's a different generation or forgot not to talk to kids like that - tricking a toddler or being an arse has never been socially appropriate. It sounded like a nightmare day for you.

Original poster

MrsHelenBee · 06/06/2015 18:23

Queazy thanks for your comment. I feel the same as you, it's not a generational thing - when has anyone ever thought it was fair to speak a 3yo like that?
squizita that is a WICKED thing for you to have gone through, and I can't how that must have felt!!! How awful to do that at Christmas!!! It's an expensive and materialistic day, but it's magic for children, and what child would understand that? And then seeing friends after the holidays and not having anything exciting to talk about. So mean.
wombatcheese THANK YOU! I didn't expect it, but to have someone understand I was genuinely too stunned (not to mention legging it to retrieve my 13mo DS2) is so nice. Some comments have made me feel so much worse when I hated myself already. I do stand up for my children, especially DS1, who has some issues, but I blindsided. Thanks though, I feel a lot better.
LittleLionMansMummy exactly!! I waited for the "Aren't I silly/Pops is just joking with you" follow up, which would have set him straight and made it a storm in a tea cup. That's all I wanted from him.

To all the people who've put such supportive posts on here, thank you. I approached DH again yesterday. I wanted to do it sooner but have had a throat infection and have had no voice whatsoever for a couple of days. I squeaked yesterday, but I worked damned hard to explain just how out of line it was, and just what I wanted DH to do about it. I've talked to DS1 since the day in question, but it hasn't been successful - it hasn't mattered what I've said (or not said while my voice was absent), he hasn't believed he was going away because Pops had said otherwise. So, when DS1 had another meltdown yesterday (because there was a competition on the radio where you could win a holiday, and that was enough to open the whole can of worms again), it was the last straw. DH called FIL and told him he had to speak DS1 and tell him he'd been stupid and that DS1 was going on holiday with us all, and to lay it on thick until it got through. FIL denied saying anything of the sort () but did as he was asked, and my lovely, happy boy came back to us last night before bed time, beaming from ear to ear and chattering non-stop about planes and runways and flying through the clouds.

OP posts:

Queazy · 06/06/2015 20:27

That is great news that your little boy is happy again and excited about his holiday. I'm so sorry as it sounds such a horrible time for you all, but good on your DH for calling your FIL and hopefully he'll be extra supportive after seeing what your FIL is like with you sometimes. Hope you feel better soon too xx

BarbarianMum · 06/06/2015 20:59

Glad your ds is feeling better. What does your dh do when your FiL bullies you?

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 06/06/2015 21:24

That's good news.

It would appear though that your fil has quite an influence on your son. My son believes me and dh above and beyond anyone. He is almost 5. Your ds continued to believe your fil despite you and dh telling him otherwise. If I were you, I would be VERY careful re fil.

MilesHuntsWig · 06/06/2015 23:55

Glad it worked out. Your FIL is a twat and your DH clearly needs de-programming from his behaviour to see that.

Orange6358 · 07/06/2015 00:15

Yes I would be very careful withFIL's influence. He's not really a nice man, not to you and this is an important lesson to you to be more assertive.

GoldfishCrackers · 07/06/2015 07:34

OP you sound lovely.
I'm wondering why you are brushing off FILs nasty behaviour towards you? He has effectively silenced you around him. Even when he's cruel to your DS. He's not a lovely man and he's not going to magically become lovely. At the very least use distance to protect yourself and your DC.
Your DH grew up with this and it's his normal. It's good that he eventually said something to FIL, but really, he should have believed you when you told him the first time that this was wrong and upset your DS. Do you feel silenced around your DH too?

Newrule · 07/06/2015 07:58

Something is not right with your relationship with your FIL. You say 'no one else ever hears why he says to me'. Is your FIL bullying you and have you never said anything to your DH? Have you never sought to expose his behaviour?

OhEmGeee · 07/06/2015 08:05

What a horrible thing to say to a 3 year old.

Do you just accept fil's bullying? Why don't you tell your DH? He should be the one standing up for you, regardless of whether he hears it. He is not a nice man, but will continue to behave awfully unless you stand up to him, and by the looks of it will treat your DC badly too.

Blu · 07/06/2015 08:40

What EnjoyingMyCoffee said.

OP, treat this whole episode as an eye opener.

Interesting that in your OP you describe your ILs as kind and lovely even though your FIL. actually is mean to you but in secret. He is using all the mechanisms of emotional abuse and control, and it works: look at the divide and rule effect he almost had in you and DH! And, when he could have said to your DH 'sorry for the misunderstanding , it was meant as a joke' he denied saying it. Effectively told your DH that you are a liar. And he emotionally controlled your DS. "Refuse to high five me and you see what happens "

You have clear knowledge of this now. Forewarned is forearmed and knowledge is power. Your FIL has blown his cover and you can be ready for him.

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