Help me stop losing my sh*t

[MtnBikeChick]

This morning I completely lost it with my 5 year old and 20 month old in a very big way. I terrified my 5 year old (and probably 20 month old but he was screaming so loudly anyway I am not sure he even noticed). I was literally and physically pulling my hair out in front of them and it ended with me sobbing in a heap on the kitchen floor. My 20 month old can't yet walk or talk and on the days I am at home (Thursdays and Fridays and weekends) all he does is cry and scream for me. He wants me to pick him up but I can't, because I have to get them breakfasted, dressed, and out to school and nursery (I work at home on Thursdays). I often get pushed to my limit but have never lost it like this. I scared myself. I can't cope with the screaming and crying. Today it was constant, high pitched screaming and crying for an hour from the little one. I have plenty of help - nanny Mon, Tue and Wed when I work at the office and nursery/school on Thursdays. How hard can this be? I am starting to think there is something wrong with me, that I can't cope with my own children, but the little one has gone from being completely happy to potter around and play with his toys to losing it completely whenever I am in the room. It is fine when I am not here. This impacts the older one as I get irritable, angry, snappy and stressed and this gets directed at him. I read self-help books non-stop, I know what I need to do, I just can't seem to put it into practice in the heat of the moment. I am worried I have scarred my kids for life and that they will both be terrified of me.

They won't be scarred don't worry.

Step away from the self help books - many are the last thing someone who is really stressed needs, as they give the false idea if you do "it right" you'll suddenly snap out of it!

I have found real person help invaluable. That is to say, one or two sessions with a real relaxation therapist looking at methods and triggers that affect me. I also do yoga - not from a book, I actually go weekly. And I have a hypnotherapy cd. I listen to it 1-3 times a week.

I still sometimes end up a wreck with my anxiety. And I only have 1 dd.

But the day I realised self hell books are akin to those Gina Ford books but for adults ... I felt so much better.
Stress is a health issue - no need for guilt ... you deserve treatment.
My GP couldn't offer much so I pay for yoga and the relaxation was via a friend.

Totally understand and we have all been there. Pressures of parenthood are waaaaaay underestimated and we can be forgiven for cracking sometimes. Constant loud noise is actually used as a torture technique in some countries for a good reason and yet us as mothers are somehow just supposed to endure it?! Hardly surprising we get overwhelmed.
Please don't beat yourself up too much. Xxx

.Leave the self help books alone. They're written by the greedy for the worried and I promise will not help when faced with a screaming 20 month old. Parenthood is relentless and overwhelming and whilst today might have been a bit extreme I am at any parent who claims to never lose their shit. Scratch that- I plain don't believe them!! Cut yourself some major slack.

My 17 (nearly 18) month old has also gone from happily toddling around playing to being very clingy and tantrummy. He used to play quite happily by himself for short periods but now spends all of his time demanding my total attention, arms round my legs crying. It's exhausting. It's their age- try not to take it personally.

My sister had three under three at one point (they're teenagers now) and always seemed to keep a zen like calm. I was asking her about it recently as I feel I'm struggling with ds. Her reply? "Fuck no way was I calm! In those three years I understood why some animals eat their young!!". Made me giggle of nothing else.

Is there a way you can get a proper break? You haven't damaged your kids. Your mortification speaks volumes (shit mums just don't care). You're almost certainly doing much better than you think.