I'm getting irrationally upset about nursery and preschool

[NinaSharp]

I know this is irrational but I'm really winding myself up here, I'm hoping someone can talk some sense into me

DD is 3.5. In September she should have been starting her 15 hours at nursery. Our idea had been that she would stay with her childminder and go to the nursery around the corner every morning. But things with the childminder changed and the childminder can't do that anymore.

I sort of knew this was a possibility but didn't really understand how nurseries worked here. It turns out that half the nurseries that do the 3 hour sessions every morning also offered full time wraparound care in the same setting. Of course that meant you have to get the nursery session from the council - it was one of those apply online and get allocated a place systems - and then the wraparound care pick people from their waiting list for full time care. Honestly, it still confuses me a bit now.

Because I didn't really understand this (it's not like there was one place explaining it, you seem to have to have found out different pieces of information from about 8 different places) we only applied as a backup for wraparound care at our local nursery. Only it turned out the waiting list was already full before they had their open day so again you had to be in the know some other way.

Anyway, we didn't get wraparound care there and the childminder couldn't look after DD anymore so we've enrolled her full time in a private nursery as we need full time care.

But now I'm getting really stressed that all the other 3yo's I know will be going to the 15 hour nursery setting, with the kids that they will eventually be going to school with, while DD is in a normal private nursery. I can't shake the idea that the every morning classes are somehow better and DD is missing out by being in private nursery until she's reception age. Also everyone else seems to have known what to do with the nursery and wraparound places and applied to loads, got on all the right waiting lists, and got a place, I barely know any kids who will be in private nursery until reception. I feel like I've managed to cock this up, the first thing we had to sort out and apply for. And it really doesn't help that the private nursery she'll be going to is struggling to get from behind a bad reputation from its previous owners. Its lovely now and we liked it, but when I say to people (and everyone is talking about nursery places at the moment!) they have this reaction like we have fucked up and now DD will have to go to a crap nursery for a year.

I don't entirely know why I'm getting so stressed about this. DD is a confident and sociable little thing and I have no worries about her. She'll be happy and learn wherever she is. But I guess I just feel like I've cocked up at the first hurdle. This is going to be ok, isn't it?

Sorry for going on Someone tell

I can only speak from personal experience but my ds went to private nursery full time from ten months til he started school last year, didn't know a soul in the school. He's absolutely fine! Not a bother on him. I spoke to him the other day about his friends from nursery and he didn't have a clue who I was talking about!

Are there no children her age at the private nursery? Are they all moving to the other settings before moving to school?

Hi-
If it helps my ds2 went to a different nursery to all his current school friends, by the end of the last week of reception you would have no clue! Please don't panic

There will be kids her age in the private nursery, about 15 of them. Whereas the council nursery thingy is bigger classes, a bit more like school I think.

I told you this wasn't rational I really like the private nursery, DD likes it, I know everything will be fine, I just... can't shake this idea that I've ballsed up here by not understanding the system and not knowing all the ins and outs that everyone else seems to have worked out, and that that's not fair on DD.

Please don't worry.

The private nursery will be doing exactly the same stuff as the other care settings, she isn't getting any lesser care or education.

My dd went to a local pre-school but she was the only one from there to go to her school, it made absolutely no difference, friendships aren't strongly formed at that age, they soon all mix up and within a short time you wouldn't be able to tell who knew each other before school and who didn't.

My children went to a private nursery and not to any of the local pre-schools like most of the local children. As a result they started reception as part of an intake of 90 children knowing maybe 5 or 6 others and only 1 other in their class. It doesn't seem to have affected their ability to settle or make new friends at all.

I'm sure your DD will be just fine.

Thanks everyone. I don't know why I'm that bothered about it, DD has been in childcare since she was 8mo and makes friends easily, I know deep down that kids don't make close friends at that age, and also that she'll make friends wherever.

I think possibly it's because I didn't understand the system and so many other parents seemed to. How did they know? It confuses me.

Whatever the reason, you have to find a waynto let thisngo before your dd picks up on your anxiety. The most important thing is that you like the nursery and she likes it and you've found childcare that you trust to do right by your dd. Other people's comments are irrelevant but of they bother you then just pretend it was your plan all along and point out that a nursery that has something to prove is almost always at least as good as one that feels they no longer have to try because they have huge waiting lists. Your dd will make some good friendships and go to school knowing someone. Ds is 4 and had he not got his first primary school choice we were faced with moving him away from everything he knows - his cm, friends, local environment etc. Luckily he got his first choice but a few months ago I would have been so reassured to know he'd keep even one close friendship going to school. As it is he'll know maybe 10 out of an intake of 60. Honestly, your dd will be fine.

Oh and knowing someone is not the same as being friends. At their age dc will form real friendships with only a handful of other children. Ds is confident and sociable and regularly plays with different children, but there are only 3 or 4 that he talks about regularly as his 'best friends'.

I just wanted to say I totally feel your pain. I had Ds enrolled at a private school nursery, but his dad (we are separated) lost his job so we made the decision to look at state options. I live in a crap area, had missed all the application deadlines and totally felt like you do that I had messed up the first real important decision I had to make. Ds has a place now at an outstanding nursery school but it's 45 mins from where we live currently and so I've committed myself to moving closer because I want him to be his friends. I don't / didn't understand the school application system and left it all realllllly late. So. Basically, I just wanted you to know you weren't alone. Your dd will be fine, she's with others her age in a supportive and nice environment. Ignore what anyone else says. I am hoping we both feel better come September!

Thanks twirly, yes, that's exactly it. I'm beating myself up that everyone else seemed to understand this bizarre system of applying for private wraparound care waiting lists before you even applied for the council places, but I didn't.

Hope you start to feel better about it too

I also wouldn't worry too much - I moved to the other side of the world just before starting primary school, and then moved back to a completely different city a few years later, so I knew nobody in the school either time, and I think I've turned out ok! I also missed a whole term of school when we got back as there weren't any places, and this hasn't hindered my education either.
My toddler is in a nursery near my work which is a long way from where he'll go to school, so none of the children at nursery will go to school with him. I will have to either stop work or find another childcare solution when he does go to school but the nursery is lovely and he's very happy and settled so for now I'm trying not to think too far ahead.

Learn from this, get readdy for school application. Your lo will be fine.

That feeling of self doubt and worry that you've failed in some way is something that has followed me throughout my children's lives but they are thriving and absolutely fine. I don't think it's unusual to worry at all. Our children are so precious to us.

I was a bit late applying for pre school with ds1 too, went for a local place which had spaces because the school attached nursery was full. It worked out great, they were lovely with ds1. I then went through the same angst with school places when we chose our catchment school which loads of parents didn't rate highly at all.I have never regretted that decision, both my children have excelled at their school.

Mine are older now and I still worry and doubt the choices we've made, but I do have more confidence in my instincts and my children's resilience now.

I hope you make peace with your choices. Fwiw neither of my children are friends now with children they went to pre school with.