Toddler and Husband

[ActiviaYoghurt]

I honestly didn't know if I should put this in Relationships or Parenting but thought I would start here.

I have a 2.5 year old DD, she is lovely, in childcare 3 days a week, makes friends well, was a very content baby. However she is Toddler, has some trantrums. Is a typical toddler if hungry or tired, when tired especially wants to be carried (which is impractical for any distance as she is very tall for her age and heavy). She loves her blankets and Dummies, we are trying to wean her off the Dummies.

Where I need some help is with my husband, he can't handle the fact that she won't always do what she is told and I find my self having to manage him and an upset child.

For example, on occasion he turns even getting her dressed into a huge issue, tears from her, him angry, as she won't stand in the perfect postion or lie down or whatever. My attitude is just get her dressed ffs, she doesn't to be stood/sat exactly like that to be dressed, I get her dressed/undressed constantly and about 99% of the time no issue. Recently I told him that he was causing the drama re getting dressed and I stepped in and got her dressed in seconds and then consoled her.

She had a meltdown yesterday, we had been to softplay, she had been running around a lot, she was tired and hadn't napped at lunch time (which is fairly normally, she doesn't nap everyday). Typical toddler trantrum, wanted to be carried, I couldn't wait to get her home, once inside my Husband is shouting at her to stop crying, I try to say that she doesn't underand how to stop crying and we need to calm her down, he didn't have a clue, I stepped in cuddles, distraction and a snack. Then he had a catbum face.

How can I get him to be more toddler savvy? I don't want him to be a bully, I don't want to do all the parenting if DD won't be happy in his company. He seems to think that I am a soft touch but I am really not, one of my friends has commented that I am far stricter than her.

He actually said that we would have to Smack her to teach her that she has to do what we say. I am like wtaf to that suggestion, she is too young to understand why she is being smacked and that it would be abusive.

He is an avid reader, is there a book I can get him to read?

Sorry its as massively long post!

My oh can be the same, he will lose his temper and shout at our toddler for the silliest of things, like yesterday he shouted at him because he kept opening a kitchen cupboard. I think it's because I am the main carer so oh does not get that there are better ways to go around a normal toddler. He does not have as much patience as I do.

Does you oh spend a lot of time with your dd?

I would keep telling your oh to calm down and tell him your dd is being a normal toddler. As for the smacking, I would make it clear you will not be happy if he smacked her, she is just a baby still, not that I am fond of smacking older children either!

Same here! I always try to manage DP along with the toddlers. Really annoying and just adds more stress to the situation.

As he reads what about Toddler Taming? I think that book is quite good at pointing out you need to pick your battles with a toddler and that they don't have the development to think about anything outside what their wants are in that moment.

As for smacking DP says this too, I always reply with 'I don't think so'. I really don't think he would I think he just doesn't know what to do.

Pretty typical of many Dads I expect - at least those not the primary carer. It's tough managing toddlers & your dh hadn't yet got the necessary arsenal of tactics.
Try to do less stepping in, and more 'try this, it might distract her' or other suggestions. Or he'll just get cross with you both.
Not that you asked for advice, sorry - but books - Toddler Taming is great. Or just find a decent article that strikes a good balance & acknowledges how frustrating parenting a little one can be, but offers good ways to curb the angry response...

Thanks for the replies, you have made me like my DH more....I honestly felt very alone in this.

He doesn't get much one to one time with her, sees her everyday after work, all weekend and we recently had a holiday for 10 days, all of us together.

I am having to go away in July for a couple of days and based on what I saw yesterday I am genuinely worried. Its hard to describe but when he talked about the smacking it sounded a bit like he wanted to Break her in, like a horse, to "make her do what we tell her to do". It made me shudder, I explained that her memory and reasoning skills are not mature enough to understand why she was smacked, just that Daddy had smacked her. That in a meltdown she may not even know why herself and that wanting to inflict pain into a child that young was abusive and how would we be able to stop her from hitting children (she never has so far even when she was a target of a biter in Nursery).

I will get him to download Toddler taming onto his Kindle and have a serious chat about parenting. We are older parents, he has struggled with family life, having had disposable income, time to himself, great nights out, fantastic holidays etc until age 42.

It doesn't sound just tactics it sounds like the dad does not have a good understanding of child development and what is normal for a 2.5 yr old. I would definitely get him a book on child development. Please make a pact with him to not lay a hand on her it seems like he thinks she has a lot more control over herself than she is capable of. Hitting a child is no solution at all. Tell him to leave the room and calm down if he thinks of hitting her.

My DH is the same. Is doesn't quite get it yet that she just doesn't understand what things mean (she is younger than your DD though). He doesn't seem to be as aware when she is over tired/ hungry etc.

X posted OP. Being an older parent is no excuse. If anything he should have more self-control. She cannot be trained like a dog. His understanding is immature. Can he have more fun times with her when she is less tired such as mornings?

Sounds like my dad, exactly like my dad.

Honestly, because of him treating me like that I was miserable growing up and it still affects me to this day as it ruined my self esteem. A book and a serious chat sound like a good starting point - maybe ToddlerCalm or similar? I understand its difficult - my mum felt the same as you but just let it slide and though she was a good parent and softened the damage it would've been so much better if she had gotten a handle on his attitude and sorted him out! I'm not saying that your DD will feel the same as I did, of course (I was and am by all accounts unusually sensitive) but you're heading in the right direction by trying to help sort his head out. OP, it must be hard.

Its hard to describe but when he talked about the smacking it sounded a bit like he wanted to Break her in, like a horse, to "make her do what we tell her to do".

That won't work. There is research showing that smacking might get you immediate compliance, but it will result in good behaviour only when you are looking. It's another story when you're not. With a toddler, part of the problem is a lack of impulse control, so you might not even get that.

I can tell you from personal experience (from being on the receiving end) that yelling at or smacking someone to get them to stop crying is ineffective. Some people have a much easier time making themselves stop crying than others do. If there's anything you can do to make yourself stop crying more easily, I still haven't figured it out at age 40. Expecting a toddler to be able to do it is crazy.

I found one of the easiest ways to calm a toddler who has got themselves in an emotional state that they can't come out of is to stick them in warm water. A nice warm bath at any time of the day does the trick if really needed. They calm down very quickly and play and you can watch them with a cup of tea.

Saved me many times when my three were very small. Baths don't just have to be for bedtimes.

I recommend "what every parent needs to know" by Margot Sunderland. She is a child psychotherapist and takes time to describe the structure of the brain and its developing needs- mainly focusing on the effects of love and nurture in childhood. Lots of practical examples for managing typical toddler behaviour too. Good luck x

Get him to read toddlercalm. It explains how their brains develop and what they are able to understand and regulate.

I would explain that you often can't force another person to do what you want. You need to get them to want to. But he needs to get to know his child well to know what motivates her. Can he be the 'good guy' in this? Eg if she does x y z today she gets a game with daddy before bed? This might help then have a fun time most evenings, rather than a battle.

Second recommendation for toddler calm. The courses and book are excellent and the advice is well grounded in science. It is not your typical comply/ control/ command stuff.

I ordered Toddler Taming and How to talk to your child yesterday, will order Toddler Calm too, you lot are costing me a fortune! Only kidding, thank you for your imput everyone, it means a lot.