Struggling to cope with 8 month old DS

[squigglehead]

Not sure what I'm even hoping to gain from posting this. DS has been increasingly difficult since early April, so I've been getting more and more exhausted. I've posted a few times about this in the past week out of increasing desperation and hope that someone will manage to say something that helps.

It takes at least half an hour to get him to sleep for a nap, then I'm lucky if he stays asleep for half an hour at a time. At night he's gone from waking up 1-3 times and easily resettling to, last night (a low point), waking up every hour. I am done in. DH is great and helps but he drives for work so I worry if he's too tired.

DS eats solids great and is breastfed, drinks plenty during the day so its not like he saves it up for night. Likes to grab at me so I'm totally touched out too. But at the moment he just won't go to fucking sleep at all and I can't cope with how tired I am, its making me a shit mother during the day because I'm too exhausted to interact with him properly.

I just feel like a shit mum and like if I was a better mum he'd be happier and ok :( I'm currently lying in bed while DH tried to settle him and nothing is working, he's been at it since 7pm. At the moment DS keeps going "mamamamamam" which means he wants me but I don't know what to do and I can't take it anymore :(

Sending you supportive vibes. I didn't have it anywhere near as bad as you do not pretending 'I know exactly how you feel' as I don't. But I do have the benefit of a clear rested brain so here is my advice:
Get a sleep consultant in. ASAP. Don't mess about with this, just google one in your area and make an appointment. People I know have raved about this.
Also the mamamama is normal baby babbling - he isn't asking for you- so don't feel guilty for that. It's the reason why we are called mum, babies came up with it we didn't teach them that!

You're doing brilliantly Squigglehead and I know it is really, really tough. Is there any way that you could get some help with your DS so that you can have a break and get some sleep? Maybe get one of the grandparents to help out a bit? Once you have some sleep, you will get a bit more perspective on everything and might be able to work out what the issue is.

I had a terrible sleeper too so I really feel for you. Do you co sleep at all? How do you get him to sleep at night and for naps? Just wanting to get a better picture before dispensing tips (my DS didn't start to sleep through consistently until he was 16 months, so don't get your hopes up, but I did develop some coping mechanisms!)

My DS was a bit like this. We co slept so I could doze...it was hard!
Did porridge at bedtime on advice of a friend. Can't remember if it worked. It does pass.

The year he was one we hung out at the park all summer. Did loads of baby groups/activities. The other mums/children were a life saver.

Consequently (I believe) my DS is securely attached, considerate, confident and loving. The bond/relationship we have gives me lots to bargain with, and he listens to what I say...

Could possibly be separation anxiety kicking in? Is napping in the day an option for you? Just wondering if you lay down on your bed together you could rest too and he may nap longer? But I appreciate its not for everyone. Thinking if daytime sleep improves it might help at night.

I would try co sleeping for a nap - he may sleep better and then sleep better at night. How about both crawling into your bed after lunch? There are lots of us who know all too well how you feel. It's hideous. I too went out all the time to get company of other mums etc Mine are much older but still sleep better in my bed!!

8-12 months were the absolute hardest for us. DS was a shit sleeper from the word go; for the first 12 weeks he never slept for more than 45m and then he would be up for hours. It improved somewhat, then regressed, them improved, then regressed-teething, hunger, colds all played a part but when he started waking up every few hours just for a chat, I wanted to throttle him.

Naps were the worst at this stage. DS was exhausted from multiple wakings through the night so, logic dictates that he would want to nap. Nope, our record was 1h 20m trying to settle, to get him to sleep for..7 minutes.

It's so unbelievably hard. Unless you've had a crappy sleeper, there's no-way folk can understand how emotionally and physically crippling it can be.

He's now 16 months and stared sleeping through a few weeks ago. His nighttime sleep got markedly better at about 13 months; he would still wake but this was largely because he couldn't find his dummy.

There were a few things that worked for us but they do take time and require a consistent approach.

1. Controlled crying. Lifesaver. I saw results after about a week. Honestly, I know it's not for everyone but my DS was not in any distress. We started off leaving him for 5 minutes, going in to resettle (no chat-dummy in,shhhh, leaving the room within a minute) then 10m and repeating. He never made it past 15m awake.

2. consistent bedtime routine. Bath at 6.30, 3 stories, cuddles and a song. Every night. My DS likes routine.

3. once I got night sleep sorted (and bear in mind he would still wake during the night for dummy or if unwell) I started getting tough on naps. Condensed bedtime routine (no bath) and same controlled crying. It took 3 days or so but he was going down willingly. No guarantees how long he'd stay asleep for.

4. awake time. I was trying to get DS to nap way before he was ready because he looked tired. I found by just letting him exhaust himself, he would nap willingly. Maybe extend his wake time -I vaguely remember 90-120m being the suggested awake time for 8 months-why not push it back another 30m and see if that encourages napping.

Above all, stop blaming yourself. It's taken me 16 months to realise that it wasn't anything I was/wasn't doing, it's just the way some babies are. I know that, while you're in the midst of the nightmare it seems like it's all your fault, but it's not.

If he is well fed, comfortable and not teething or sick, please consider some form of sleep training. Controlled crying helped me but there are "softer" alternatives.

I did CC with both mine in effect - I was quite strict about bedtime. 7pm, bath 3 stories, lights out. Blackout blinds. We still do it. It's still a battle but less so !!

The following worked for me:
Bath, books, cuddles, into cot and close bedroom door.
DC cried for 3 nights in a row
After that she went down happily every night.

Ugh that stage where they fight sleep is just so awful and wearing. I found it wore me down something rotten. Mine is just heading into the four month sleep regression argh.

It will pass but it seems like it takes forever.

We did rapid return where we had a set routine of stories, teeth and milk in her room then put her down awake and left then returned after 2mins then 3 mins then 4 mins etc. mostly she just 'grumped', it wSnt proper crying. If she ever got distressed I went straight back in. It took one day of doing this for nap and bedtime before we saw a difference and within four nights Ava was going into her cot and to sleep with no crying. I think the fact she knew we would come back allowed her to settle.

Just wanted to say you aren't alone. My DD is 8 months old and i'm currently sat downstairs with her after she woke up at 3.50am and is very awake. She doesn't nap either andtwo 15-20 naps a day completely recharges her. At night she wakes every 1.5-2 hours and doesn't seem to require more than 6 hours of sleep to function happily for the day.

I realised the other day that the last time.I had more than 3 hours unbroken sleep was last September the day before she was born.

No advice from me just a sympathetic 'I completely get it.' Sorry. It's crap.

My ds is 10 months at around 8 1/2 we did controlled crying and made a huge difference to both night sleep and naps! He's just getting over a virus so going to have to try again when fully better but last few days of going for a walk /drive every nap time have reminded me why we did it! We were cosleeping every night which allowed me to survive but both happier when in own beds. Do what's right for you op be it routine or going with cues and make sure you get out and about. Nothing worse than being stuck inside alone feeling awful!

Hi there, I hope you don't mind but I did a brief search of your previous posts to try and get a better feel for your DS before I posted. We were on the antenatal thread together posting bump pictures!

Ive learnt that apart from all babies being different (just as we are), its all down to pure and simple luck too.

I read your post about trying to lengthen naps - our DSs are the same! Silly early wake up time, not content to snuggle in but instead all arms and legs and then earlier than ideal naps!

I can only post what has helped me, but it may be useless for you.

Up until about 6 months I was just winging it with DS, no routine just going with the flow (which usually meant I missed subtle cues!). Ive since learnt that for him routine is the key. I spent a week jotting down the times he fed, napped etc and noticed that he did have a pattern and by following it he is a lot happier. Obviously he isnt clockwork and there are days he varies but on the whole he seems to thrive on routine which suprised me.

Sleep definitely begets sleep. We know that if DS naps poorly in the day that we are in for a crap night. It does mean that I have to stay with him for daytime naps to get past the 30-45 minutes and it is a pain but its only temporary. Our little routine is to go upstairs, switch the lamp on together, close curtains, plug dummy in and then snuggle down in bed with his soft toy. Its taken a while for him to get used to it but now they are sleep cues. Most of it is just sheer luck though.

How are you feeling today?

If this isn't your parenting style you may not find this helpful but my dd (6m) will only nap in a carrier in the day (she's over a stone now so have had to spend £80 getting a decent one that doesn't kill my back) and only sleep for more than a 1hr stretch at night if in bed with me. I also breastfeed to sleep.
The crux point for us came when I said to DH that it might be better to be dead than have to put up with the sleep deprivation for much longer. At that point we stopped trying the cot and to get dd to do what we wanted and just completely followed what she wanted.
Bear in mind that CC isn't recommended under 12m because they don't fully understand it before then. Part of the reason we didn't do it is that under 12m it frequently doesn't work so you go through all that for nothing. Over 12m it has a much better success rate.
But of course you have to do whatever is best for your family. Sleep deprivation is an awful, awful torture.

Thanks everyone. He finally fell asleep at gone 10 last night and was up feeding every two hours as opposed to one...

polka I remember you! :) I have been writing his timings down but they're all over the place at the moment, presumably due to a leap and/or ongoing teething... Really hope he settles down soon as then it might actually be productive. Shall try some new things soon I think, when I gather up my remaining energies!

Pomeral that is my parenting style! We use woven wraps which are still fine at circa 20lbs but I tend to use them as a last resort these days as I'm struggling and really need my space at the moment. We used to completely cosleep which was fine until I became his night time punching bag, so now he sleeps in his cot half the night and comes in with us circa 3am. This avoids the main difficult period!

Thanks everyone for letting me know I'm not alone

We won't do CC as DS is a tension increaser, he starts off just whinging but gets hysterical quickly and I just can't hack him being that upset! Will keep plodding on and trying new things and pray its just a phase...

Hi squiggle - I found it hard to read your post as it was like going back in time to my darkest moments.

When my DS was 8 months (also BF) he was an horrendous sleeper. I would be lucky if I got one nap a day out of him and even then it would only last about half an hour. I would spend my days walking miles with him in his pushchair, pleading with him to go sleep and feeling like a complete failure. I cried all the time. I was exhausted.

My DH used to ring me when he was at work to see how I was and I'd end up just sobbing down the phone to him and telling him I couldn't take it anymore.

DS would be up at least 3-4 times a night and would only be breast fed back to sleep. I was getting maybe 4/5 hours of constantly broken sleep every night and it broke me. I used to go to bed at night, dreading the night ahead and dreading having to look after DS the next day too.

I couldn't cope with having no respite from him. It sounds awful I know. Part of me resented him and I just wanted to get away.

As things got worse and worse I eventually cracked because I was so, so exhausted. My husband found me curled up in a ball on the nursery floor just crying my heart out due to exhaustion and hopelessness.

DH took a few days off work to give me a break and in that time we sought advice from a Sleep Consultant as physically and emotionally I was drained. I couldn't carry on like it anymore.

Thankfully the Consultant saved my sanity and gave me my life back

I've read that you don't want to to any form of sleep training and that's your decision to make but I just wanted to say that I empathise with how incredibly hard it can be so try and look after yourself where you can