Married with 18 month old LO. I work 4 days a week and DH works shifts which include night shifts.
I am feeling really low lately and feel really resentful towards my DH and my family. I feel being a mother is really lonely and if I did not have work, I would feel pretty worthless. My LO is at a challenging time and I am finding that hard. LO has a lot of tantrums and nappy changes are turning into a battle. I dread bath time as it requires quite a battle to get him out of the bath and changed. Generally hubby is either at work at this point of the day so I tend to do it solo. If he is in, he will do dinner while I get LO ready for bed (he is an excellent cook).
I have been harbouring a lot of resentfulness towards by hubby for awhile. It's more internally as a lot of it is to do with the past and feel we have moved on. He wasn't pulling his weight around the house for awhile & after various nagging from me a few months ago I told him to buck up or go. His choice, but I wasn't going to be the default parent / adult etc of the house. His home, his children, marriage = partnership. It is improving but we are not quite there. I have also started to putting myself first a little, for example, tell hubby when it's my turn for a lie in opposed to waiting for him to offer. My resentfulness originates from when LO was a newborn. Hubby complained a lot of being tired, ( I did the night wakings as I was feeding). In a crowd, he would tell anyone that listened how he did something with LO ( changed a nappy?!), there was never talk of we. He does this a lot, talks of himself instead of us as we. An example, wed night was DH night shift , LO has a stinking cold and I was up a lot in the night with him. I had to go to work the next day and was knackered. Thur night he was in, and LO woke a few times during the evening which DH went to settle him. Last night, when he was chatting to his mum the way he made the story sound, DH did both nights of looking after him. There was no acknowledgment of me being up in the night and then off to work the next day it was all about how he settled him etc etc. another one is he will say, " when I took him swimming". He didn't take him, we did. And even then, hubby was grumpy as the pool was packed.
When I returned to work it took him awhile to adjust to me not being home. But he didn't step up, I had to guide him into pulling his weight. I feel I have to be the pro active one to get us to work as a team.
We were due to go for IVF for our 2 nd one next month and I have postponed it. I am quite worried about going through quite a gruelling process, bring pg (fingers crossed), and having a newborn and a toddler and not getting the support I need. I will be too tired to articulate what it is I need from him and really I just want him to see it and do it.
I am also disappointed in the support I get from my family. My mum is lovely and helps where she can but that's it. My sister is only interested in LO when he is fun. Tantrums, nappy changes and feeds are something she will not deal with. My dad is just useless. We have just all come back from holiday, and lovely as it was, it just highlighted how lonely I feel. Every morning I was up with LO while everyone slept ( inc DH), fed him, changed him, and took him to the park so we didn't make too much noise. My sister complained each morning how LO woke her up. Whenever we were out, it was me doing nappy changes on my own in the ladies toilet. No one to help me out to entertains him while he screamed the place out. My sister even refused to come in and use the loo as she didn't want hear him screaming the place down. When it was dinner, bath and bed I was doing it solo whilst the rest of them chilled in the pool. My husband did a lot of the driving and was ill over the holiday so any break I was hoping to get didn't happen. It would have been nice to have a morning off, or chill in the pool. My sister is meant to be his God mother, and the person to look after LO in the event of our death. I have to find someone else to look after him, as tbh she is is shite.
I need to stop this resenting feeling, but I can't trust my support network around me. I know parenting is my job too, but I feel I can't escape it. I can't stand the thought every day is like this and I can't run away. I love my LO but there are times I just want to ru away and hide. I want to sleep.
I know I need to stop this as otherwise I am going to look back and regret not enjoying this time. We only get it once, and I am better focusing on the positives, but at the moment seemed focused on the negatives.
Thanks for reading x