Relatives and first grandchild - please tell me it's not as bad as I think it will be

[Jellybean81]

This is my first time starting a thread, please be gentle!
I'm due to have my first baby in a few weeks, feels like a miracle baby after traumatic losses and a very complex pregnancy. Baby is PFB grandchild on both sides so I understand grandparents want to be involved but I'm really worried that my wishes won't be respected by my mum or MIL. Every time I say what I'd like/plan to do I get told "oh it's your first, your ideas will soon change" - this about everything from breastfeeding to wanting to use natural fabrics and trying to establish a routine. I have been in tears tonight after a conversation with MIL about breastfeeding, she's not keen and I'm genuinely scared she is planning to sneak baby formula. How did you cope with granny knows best?

One thing, OP, is remember that no matter what your mum and MIL say about their own babies, they can't remember a lot of it and are making some of it up.

In the end, though, what they both dread is being sent away from the baby, so you do actually hold all the power. If they do get too much, just say, "Sorry, I can't handle this. You're making me feel really awful" and get up, take the baby and go upstairs. Do it every time and they should soon learn.

Hi OP - I am a ftm to 16w DD. I also wanted a routine, to EBF, and to use natural fabrics and products.

Four months in, and....that's exactly what I am doing!

Just because you've not had a baby before doesn't make you an eejit. Just remember not to beat yourself up if it happens not to work out.

Re routines, I do know someone bf who does Gina, but personally I found establishing bf took lots and lots and LOTS of cluster feeding. So I backed off on trying to start a routine till she was 6/8 w old. I then started by setting a standard getting up time that suited me, but then looked to see when she naturally needed a nap. Then settled into that as an everyday pattern. So far, working okay :)

Agree with the others that you need to find a way to get them to butt out and especially make it clear that giving formula without your agreement is not acceptable, however I also know that I would really struggle with the blunt approach.

I had a milder form of this after the baby had arrived and had the following thoughts in case they're any use:

Has your mother in law told you why she's not keen on breastfeeding? It might be that she has some misconceptions you could help to clear up? I was really surprised when an elderly relative who is a qualified children's nurse asked me how I knew the baby was getting enough milk when breastfeeding. When I thought about it I decided she must have come from the time when breastfeeding was actively discouraged, but at the time I was really surprised that she didn't have any idea at all about it with her professional background.

If it's to do with her being able to help/feel involved, can you find an alternative job for her to do eg 'I was really hoping you might be able to take baby out in the garden for some fresh air/cook dinner/help me go to the shops/give baby a bath'

Can you think of (invent...) a specific reason why it's beneficial to your baby to breastfeed eg 'the doctor/midwife advised that I should definitely try to breastfeed because of....' Maybe a reason based on the 'complex pregnancy'? That would be tricky for MIL to argue with?

I'm sure the blunt approach would be quicker and easier but I know it wouldn't be for me as I am rubbish at confrontation!

If you are quite stubborn like me...relatives being a bit shitty about breastfeeding has actually helped me succeed in a bit of an 'up yours' type gesture.

However, it's probably the hardest thing I've ever accomplished and at 2 months we are still learning and I can struggle sometimes when we are out and about but it's getting bigger as she gets older.

I would never go with the blunt approach- there is really no need to fall out.
Smile, nod, ignore is very effective. No one can bottle feed your baby if you don't want it- you don't have to say so. ( if they are like mine they wouldn't take a bottle anyway).
You can't argue with someone who doesn't give you a way in - never give that way in.