Really struggling with my 2 year old.

[Roseybee10]

Dd1 is 2 years and 8 months. We had a really close relationship until the terrible twos hit, along with my being pregnant and not having the energy to pay her all the attention she was wanting.

Dd2 is now three months and I'm really struggling with dd1. She's started peeing all over my couch every day after being pretty well toilet trained. I think it's for attention.
She was ill a few weeks ago and now won't leave my side, hanging off me constantly and screaming if I leave the room. She's constantly doing things she knows she's not meant to do to get attention and I'm not dealing with it very well. I just end up losing the rag and shouting at her and putting her in her room for 5 mins while I calm down.

Dd2 is not an easy baby. She's had reflux and is still a terrible feeder meaning it takes her almost two hours to finish a feed. This means I need to spend quite a lot of time with her and dd1 gets narked with me.

I try to involve her in any chores I'm doing; she helps me sort the washing and pairs the socks (we make it a game) and I put a timer on and some music for 15 mins and we run around and tidy up a room in that time together. I try and take them out somewhere every afternoon like a play date or the park or the shops or for tea and cake (she loves that). I'm not sure what else I can do. I feel burnt out and exhausted and so weary but feel like a shit mum as I'm clearly not doing enough with either of them.

I just sometimes wish I could run away and hide from it all. I love my kids so much but sometimes I don't feel I like them much. I'm so devastated as I LOVED being a mum when dd1 was tiny. I felt like it was what I was always meant to do. Now I just feel numb.

Didn't want to read and run so I have this to say.

You sound like a great mum.

Two year olds are bloody hard.

New babies are bloody hard.

Reflux is bloody hard.

And sibling adjustment and the resultant behaviour is bloody hard

It will get better. Please don't be so hard on yourself. If you read this thread a year from now I promise you will be amazed and delighted at how far you will have all come. Good luck

Rosey do you have anyone who could support you in real life? We didn't when we had our children, so we ended up putting my eldest in nursery for 2 days a week so that they got some time with other kids and wasn't bored at home. If that's not an option and you aren't entitled to the free-funding, are you able to have someone look after DD1 or DD2 then that could help? As well as that maybe try and make some one-on-one time with your eldest somehow?

Have you seen the GP or HV about the reflux? There are things which can help this.

Regarding the wetting the sofa, I'd be tempted to put her back in nappies, sometimes they can regress a little bit when a baby arrives on the scene. She is still only little herself. She doesn't have to be potty-trained until school so there would be time to do it again.

Thank you. I know it's just a 'phase' but I so wanted to enjoy this time off with her and dd2 as i was distraught leaving her to go back to work and missed her so much.
I feel guilty that I'm not loving it this time which probably makes me feel worse. Really struggling to keep on top of my housework (we're trying to move just now as the flat is just too small and everything is everywhere) which I think is putting added pressure on.

Sorry crossed posts proton. She doesn't get her free nursery place until January and we can't afford to put her in private nursery while I'm off unfortunately. My mum has agreed to take them for an afternoon a week starting next week to let me get on top of my housework.
Dd2 has come out of the reflux stage (she was on meds but not now) but she's still a very fussy, slow feeder. I think she has bad associations with feeding now so she will buck and throw herself around before taking milk (she's not in pain, just doesn't want the milk).

Dd1 won't put a nappy back on. I tried to put one on her yday and she had a melt down and tore it off. Tried again and she tore it off again. I think being ill has meant she's regressed a bit but hoping she'll come through the other side. Had her in pull ups while she was unwell and I think it's confused her. X

Rosey, I can't offer any other tips regarding getting your DD to stop wetting the sofa. It is hard having 2 little ones, especially when you are shouldering most of the work on your own. I can empathise massively, I have been there but it does get a lot easier as the little one gets older. Hopefully the afternoon a week will let you get some me time as well.

We also moved house with 2 little ones, and one of my friends has just done the same. The stress levels involved are insane! I don't know how we got through it but you do!

Take each day at a time, and remind yourself, "this too shall pass!"

Have you tried putting her in a structured group? Ie gymnastics or dance. Works a treat with my dd who's two and a half. We do a group nearly everyday (and if not we do soft play or the park!)

She also deliberately wets herself when shes going through a naughty phase, but i always find the threat of a nappy works well.

Hoping to start her at dance classes in September when the new term starts. They insist on them being toilet trained so need to get that sorted first x

Poor you it's a tricky age anyway and with a baby too it must be hard. Do you have a pre school near you rather than a private nursery? We have one which is 5 pounds per hour - dd is going 1 day per week when my new baby arrives so 25 pounds between me and dh for the whole week. Could you afford this option? Even a few hours might makes difference to you all

At that stage my dd1 responded well to sticker charts-- simple to try if you haven't already . 2 special shiny stickers every day she doesn't wet the sofa and a bigger sticker or treat when she collects a full row or column? Also it is something only she can get as the baby is too little.

I could have written this three months ago! 2.6 DD and 6 mth DS here. 6 weeks after DS was born, DD caught chicken pox followed by sickness and diarrhea for the whole family. I had some horrendous days and weeks with our daughter at around the 3 month age of our new baby. I think it's that the older one realises that the baby is here to stay! Plus we were all exhausted from the constant illness.

Not much advice I'm afraid other than to say it really does get a bit better as the baby gets older. Try to include your daughter with playing games with the baby as much as possible. You wouldn't believe the amount of fun they'll both have with a scarf and a bit of peepo! And definitely get out of the house whenever you can. They can't make a mess of they're not there!

I had a 3.5 year old who started weeing on the sofa when I was pregnant and it drove me mad. I handled it so badly, often shouting at her because I believed that she was doing it on purpose. It wasn't until I took the emotional heat out of it that she stopped. She was no longer getting negative attention and it got better. I high,y recommend a book called The Incredible Years which talks a lot about giving really focussed, quality attention to a child to fill up their emotional piggy bank. It sounds hard but a few minutes of focussed attention makes a world of difference and may help her feel more secure and less in need of negative attention. Also, I know it's hard but try to let go of the housework a bit, it really will still be there tomorrow. Also try focussing on your older girl, in my experience my younger one didn't actually need that much attention (I know you have the feeding thing going on but I mean other than that), she will learn to fit in with your older ones activities.

I had similar (although not a refluxy baby) when ds1 was nearly three and I'd just had ds2. Ds1 really started playing up, weeing on the floor on clean clothes etc deliberately. He really tested my patience and I screamed and shouted at him Then I posted on here in despair and had some great advice. It worked! I just ignored the naughty behaviour as far as possible and gave him lots of cuddles. So when he weed on the floor (always at bedtime when trying to deal with both of them) I'd just say "oh dear have you had an accident? Never mind, let me clean it up. Next time just try to make it to the toilet in time." I could see he hated me thinking it was an accident when really it was deliberate, and he got the cuddles and reassurance that he wanted.

I have to say he was well and truly potty trained by then so it was definitely deliberate not an accident, but things got a lot better after that.

With a baby with reflux you've had a lot to deal with, but I promise it does get better.

Thanks for all the suggestions.
Hubby has been off this week so we've been able to keep on top of the toilet issues and not had any accidents since Saturday including a 2.5 hour drive to my dads this morning and then back in the evening yay.

Going to try and implement a stricter 'routine' next week that sets aside time for me and dd1 to play together and do some learning activities too. I'm hoping to blitz my house while hubby takes the girls to his mums tomorrow so that I then have more time next week to chill with them. X