Really worried/ looking for advice on shy/ anxious DD

[Grainwhole]

She's just turned three and is frightened of other children. Terrified! I take her to lots of different groups and she, at best, plays independently, trying to block out the existence of the other kids, but often just can't and clings to me instead. It's not that she doesn't WANT to be friends, I see her eyeing up the other children playing together and I can tell she wants to go over but is a million miles away from being able to do so. Even if a child comes over to get her to join in she freaks out and clings to me.

I think she and I are equally baffled as to how every other kids seems to have developed these skills (how to initiate play with another child etc) that she just hasn't got. I've tried every which way to do that for her, e.g. By saying 'ooh, can you both jump, clap etc' and they'll sometimes do that together, but then she doesn't seem to be able to take it beyond that one, directed activity - she cannot freestyle! And even the but I've given her to do, she does with a straight, serious face - no joyful giggles like the other kids do.

Likewise in classes, she can jump and clap when told to (though again, v straight face, no abandon) but the just run around/ go mad to the music bit the other kids love, she just stands looking tortured by awkwardness and runs back to me. It's times like this the fear's the easiest to identify as when the other kids dash by her (not even particularly close) her eyes flicker, whole boy tenses, even her mouth agape in horror - imagine your reaction if you were about to be hit be a bus! It's that dramatic.

Please advise if you can. I'm so worried about her. How can I send her to nursery to do this alone? She's been with a childminder for a year and she reports all the same behaviour as I see. If she's this frightened with us as a secure base, how the hell can she survive on her own at nursery? I don't feel very confident that the nursery staff will be able/ willing to help much as, no matter how I explain to current group/ class leaders how shy she is I can see their impatience with her, and they often clearly interpret her behavious as rude/ ignorant. :(

I can't say I'm completely in your boat, but my just-turned-4 DD is a shy kid. Quite nervous, is aware she doesn't really fit with others her age. Watchful. Big eyes. Nervous of loud noises and confident children. She does do okay 1-1, but still it takes a while for her to warm up. Doesn't really like active play. Would rather draw or play dominos. She's good with adults though.

One thing I was wondering... how is your daughter with animals? My DD is most relaxed with her budgie and her cat. She loves looking after her tadpoles, woodlice and millipedes etc. Would a small pet (i.e. a mouse) be a way of slowly developing your daughter's confidence?

My eldest (I have four) was just like this and I worried myself into a tangle about him at the time.
He's a huge teen now and still detests organised fun and large groups of people he doesn't know.
He does have hordes of very lovely friends he's taken his own sweet time to choose.
Things got a lot better when I realised that being an introvert, who makes deep connections with people he is really compatible with, was just as good as being a social butterfly who was instantly best friends with everyone in the room.
Playgroups etc can be pretty stressful for introverts but decent nurseries are great as they can learn to create the space they need without being antisocial.
Your DD sounds lovely and very smart to have worked out that playgroups etc are actually not nearly as fun as spending time with one person you love very much!
Give her opportunities to get together with just one or two children to build her confidence. Make sure she knows that (as long as she's not rude) she's not letting you down if she doesn't feel sociable.
mynd's suggestion about animals is spot on too.

Playgroups are bonkers and lots of kids are like this, it's pretty recent being watchful and shy has been labelled as a negative.

My second dd was like this, actually she coped fine at nursery and made a couple of good friends in early years. By mid primary she was really popular in a quiet way and confident enough to lead stuff, do different activities with different kids. She has good friends and is a shrewd assessor of character, those big eyes took lots in.

She sounds lovely ( and sensible!)

I think we sometimes over-identify with our toddlers, and require them to live out some abstract idea of ideal toddlerhood on our behalf, forgetting entirely how unpleasant it would be if some kind of equivalent 'now go and behave like a normal 30 year old' (whatever that might be) was foisted upon us. I think Arseface's advice is good.

DD was just the same. She is 8 now and has lots of friends. It just took her a bit more time. Please don't worry, this is perfectly normal at your daughter's age.

my son was also very similar. very sensitive, extremely wary of other kids, disliked loud noises, cried when other kids cry (& usually for longer too). preschool were concerned about how he would cope when he started school (last september at just turned 4) but he has amazed us all. In the last 6 months his confidence has really grown, he has made lots of friends & although still a bit shy in some situations eg parties, he will join in & take part AND enjoy himself. Even his childminder commented 'a year ago, who'd have thought he'd be like this now'. And she is right.

A lot will change over the next year or so, your dd may be later than some but she will get there in the end. please try not to worry!

Thank you everyone, that's all really reassuring. I have been trying to tell myself she'll get there and have lots of friends etc, so it's great to know I'm not kidding myself and that that really can happen! :)