Worried I am getting it all wrong with my toddler (practical things) - anxiety post

[BotBotticelli]

I hope someone can help reassure me that I am not getting everything totally wrong with my 2.5yo Ds?

I mean in terms of practical things.

I met up with my NCT group recently (who I seldom see cos i always end up coming home and feeling terrible as they're quite competitive mums - but that's a whole other thread!). And I came away from it thinking that me and DH are maybe doing loads of things "wrong"...we certainly seem to be doing things differently from the other NCT families.

I am worried that we are being a bit lazy/slapdash in our parenting and our DS is behind his peers in terms of we still treat him like quite a young baby.

Examples are:

• DS is still in a cotbed (with bars on sides) not a big boy bed. This was greeted with surprise as all their toddlers are in beds.
• we still brush DS's teeth in his bedroom at nighttime and in the lounge in the morning with toothpaste on a dry brush instead of him standing at the sink on a step and brushing his own teeth (apparently what all their kids do)
• me and DH both work long hours and commute into London. DS does 4 days per week at nursery so I always choose his outfit the night before and lay it out downstairs. Then, after breakfast in the morning I change his nappy and get him dressed on the changing mat on the living room floor in front of CBeebies (!) because it's easiest and causes less grief and screaming that way, and maximises our chances of getting out the house on time! I then brush his teeth whilst he sits on my lap and finishes off watching Dinopaws. We then jump in the car to nursery. This got a few raised eyebrows as apparently their kids are all choosing clothes out their wardrobes with them in the morning and getting dressed in their bedrooms like little mini-adults.
• their toddlers (mix of boys and girls) have opinions on what they do and don't wear. My son doesn't seem to give a shit and he never gets to choose anyway cos I lay the outfit out the night before.
• oh and I totally dress him...he helps push his legs in his trousers and can take a t-shirt off over his head if I get his arms out first, but he is nowhere near being able to dress himself.
• all of their kids are potty trained and we haven't even started with DS yet, although am thinking we might give it a try in the next few weeks.

There are loads of other tiny examples but this outlines the kind of things I am worried about...are we letting our son down by "babying" him and taking short cuts to make our lives easier? Should we, at 2.5yo, be making more of an effort to help him "grow up" and do things on his own? Or will he get there in his own time?

As a bit of background I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with ds2 and before I got pregnant was on Citalopram for anxiety and depression. I came off the ADs when i found out I was pregnant and have been coping pretty well without them I think - but these worries are sneaking back in and I cannot tell how much better of it is the sort of unhelpful thoughts that you have with anxiety/depression and how much of it is a legitimate concern that we are not parenting very well.

My son seems happy, gets lots of love, affection, stimulation and play from DH and I and is happy and settled at nursery so he seems fine. It's just there's no manual for being a mum and I am sure I am getting it all wrong :-(

Would appreciate the views of the women on MN...is the above list of parenting activities within the realms of normal with a 2.5yo boy??

Thank you.

Ticked all of those with a me too!

DD1 was in a bed (barely) by then but only because we wanted the boy for DD2 She wandered about so much we put her in a travel cot by the time she was 2.75.
Dd2 is still in the city with the bars up. She's made no attempt to climb out so I'm not bothered. Will potty train over the summer when I have time. Not that I fancy doing it over our holidays much.

Ditch the NCT group or have some fun winding them up. DS will only eat turkey twizzlers / is doing kimono maths through Cantonese on Sunday mornings...,

The boy? The bed!!

Your friends sound like a nightmare tbh! I think this is a first child thing as well, the competitive 'my child can do such and such' its like they are in a rush for their babies to grow up.

IME with subsequent children people seem much more relaxed about rushing through everything!

You sound like a great mum op ignore them all!!

Still mostly dress DD1 who is almost 5. We'd never get out the door for school otherwise. She'd get straight back into bed!

Sorry my post was meant to say they ARE lying not aren't!! Apologies baby brain

Well, my DS1 was potty trained, in a bed, brushing his teeth at the sink etc by 2.5 but didn't have any interest in choosing clothes until he was nearer 4. I haven't really thought of any of this as markers of good/bad parenting though!

My ds1 was potty trained at 2.3 but ds2 was 3 there's no right or wrong time your ds will give you signals when he's ready, they're now 5 & 7 and I lift their clothes out for them (ds1 will regularly swap what ive lifted out for a football kit tho) & I still help ds2 to get dressed especially if we're in a rush. If you do want your ds to start dressing / undressing himself then slowly do this on a weekend when your not in a rush to be anywhere. Ds1 was out of his cot very early because he hated it & settles better in a bed. All kids are different, if you dh and dc are all happy then don't change a thing.

I know it's easier said than done, but try not to compare yourself with other mums/parents. I did that a lot, but got sick of fretting over how others parented/looked after their kids. It drains you for nothing.
I felt like I was having a potty training battle with my sis! Our son's are a similar age. It grated on me everytime she brought it up, not because my son wasn't there yet, but because I thought she was bringing it up to take a dig. But maybe not, just sharing a child's development with someone. I always felt tense when I came from her's.

I would say that you are doing pretty much what you are meant to at his age. You can always try him in a bed, with rails on. I was cautious about it at first but I laid a spare mattress under the side. When he gets used to having no sides and the size of it he'll eventually end up not falling out anymore.

Brushing his teeth is fine, I still brush my 3 year olds because I know he wont do it properly but still let him have a go. I don't want his teeth falling out. It doesn't necessarily matter where you brush his teeth, but doing it at the sink will help him recognise a bedtime routine.

Argh potty training! I started that so late, but gently eased my son into it. Took his nappy off during the day, told him where the potty was and let him sit on it. Later on, for no2 I sat him on the toilet even though he protested, but he went! Let him flush it away and wash his hands. But you'll get there with that, don't push him. It will only make him go backwards, he'll do it in his own time, you'll know.
My son doesn't give two shits about what he wears either. But sometimes I let him have a choice of what top he wants to wear if he's there when I'm picking his clothes out the day before. That's about it. There's only so much that is even the slightest bit interesting about boys clothes!

Everyone has room for improvement, but not everyone is a perfect parent. They probably have flaws but they ain't gonna tell you that. That'll give you ammo of course! There's probably something you can do better than them but you'll maybe never know about it. You are 'your parent' and they are 'their parent'. (Tell 'em to eff off! )

I would be taking their boasts with a pinch of salt, my ds is 2.4 and our morning routine sounds identical to yours! Breakfast, dressed etc in front of tv, he hasn't a clue that he could choose an outfit as they are always laid out, he can just about get his clothes off with help but wouldn't be able to dress himself! Close friend has little girl who is similar age and hers is the same.
Ds has just this week discovered he can climb out of cot so the sides need to come of now but if not for tha I would have left on as long as poss, when your working you need all the help you can get!

My dentist told me he still brushes his own children's teeth at 8 and 10 and strongly encouraged me to keep brushing my 4 and 5 year old's. Your morning routine sounds great and children can't usually dress themselves fully until around 4. As long as you've had a go at teaching him before school that's the main thing but even then they are understanding if a child hasn't quite got the hang of it!

2.5 year old twins, I do exactly the same as you, except they have toddler beds and that's only because I was co-sleeping and needed to get them out of my bed. I think your NCT lot are talking rubbish - no way 2.5 year old can dress themselves. I would avoid them personally.

Don't worry! DD is 2.5 she is potty trained and sleeps in a big bed, but I dress her and I clean her teeth or these would cause stress and I don't fancy it because like you I am 32 weeks pregnant and work 4 days per week. I need to be out the house at 7.30

If you and your son are happy and it works then it's fine, he's only little really. Good luck with baby don't worry about what other people think

You're doing fine!!!

My dd is almost 3 and only just toilet trained.
She was in a cot bed until March when she climbed out (a week after dd2 was born argh).
I let her choose clothes now because I'm off on Mat leave and it's an 'activity' to involve her in. No way would I bother if j was getting out in the morning. Any time we have an early start I still leave clothes out.
She's more independent in dressing and undressing because I've had to ask her to due to having dd2 but she still needs a lot of help.

She gets her teeth done in her bed before stories. Sometimes she comes in when I'm doing mine in the morning and I let her do her own then.

I could have written this post myself...in fact it is soooo similar to my situation i had t check i hadnt posted it sometime;) my little one is the same age and i to have peiple who make similar comments and at times i doubt myself ..but dont . totalky agree with all above posts. My little one is still in cotbed and is staying there! He goes to childminder 4 days a week and we to bring him down to watch dinopaws t get him dressed and out on time. Mine still has milk in a bottle and won't have it any other way! He also couldnt careless what he wears and wont dress himself. And toilet training ...yep we r nowhere near!!!;) they all change at there own time. I akways think i havent seen any of them still like it at 18!!:) i also was given citralopram for anxiety and then stopped thinking i could cope...but some days are harder than others especially when my little one is having tantrums but just remember you are doing your best xx

My son is 7 and I have to dress him in the mornings in front of the telly! He has never picked out anything and doesn't care what he wears.

I don't know how all this stuff I coming up in conversation. there is no right way.

My 4 year old does dress herself though and always wants to wear skirts. I am just saying there is no right or wrong way and I don't care what I have to do to get us all out of the house happy and on time.
Just nod along when people are boasting.

Hi op.

I went through your list and I do exactly all the things you do!

Don't worry, we're doing what works for us, and vice versa.

Oh and my ds is 2.5 too

My ds is same age as yours but has older sibling so learns a bit from her. However he's still in cot bed and no where near potty training.

I think as long as you are flexible in your ideas about changing his routine when he is ready, then you are doing just fine. If in some way you were deliberately holding him back, then maybe you are 'babying' him but for a start it doesn't sound at all like you are, and secondly doing things in a way that is easiest for you is perfectly fine too!

DO NOT see those nct twats again. Effing raised eyebrows??! Seriously winds me up. You're obviously doing amazingly and do not worry at all. At all.

My dd1 is 2.8 yo and the only difference between her and your DS is that she's in a toddler bed.

However, she is only in a toddler bed because she coslept until she was 2 and part if getting her into her own bed was literally her being able to climb into her own bed.

You're doing great and I'll put my money in your nct friend exaggerating what their little treasure can do :)

This is yet another reason I'm not so keen on the whole nct thing - the fact that all your children are almost exactly the same age means that constant comparisons are drawn.

You are doing a great job and what you describe sounds completely normal. For what it's worth dd was nearly 3 and ds over 3 before they were toilet trained. I am now a convert to late training as they rarely had accidents and ds was dry through the night at the same time. I choose and lay at all 3 kids clothes for them (9,4 and baby) and still dress the 4 year old!

DS was still in his cot past 3yrs old. We were saving up to buy DD a new bed so he could have hers. He was happy and never tried to get out.

I have had raised eyebrows that he can't dress himself. I always do it for him because of rushing out to work. He does not care what he wears as long as the trousers are 'soft'. After DD who had major opinions from age 2 this is a delight. I figure I'll teach him before school starts and til then it doesn't matter.

He was toilet trained before 3 but he will still sometimes use a potty. Again it's a convenience thing as we have one toilet for our household of 4 and sometimes it's easier if he can skip the queue. He also still wears nappies at night which are wet every morning. I have zero enthusiasm for changing wet beds in the night. We toilet trained him at the point where that seemed preferable to changing a wriggling, pooey toddler in nappies ie at our own convenience!

Some people seem to think that I baby him because he will be the last and should be 'encouraging his independence' but it's far more laziness and convenience on my part than babying. We do what works for us as a family.

In my view they mostly learn this stuff on their own so why bust a gut trying to push it to prove some point. People who worry about this stuff probably have too much time on their hands.

Don't worry but it is important to teach them independent living skills. Not sure how you clean teeth without a sink to spit toothpaste into though.