The curse of 'other' parents

[CardigansForWinners]

Dd is 11yrs old and at secondary school. She has made a new (lovely) friend with whom she is besotted (and visa versa). New friend's mother is delightful in person, very busy, quite rude by text (will ask for info, you give it to her, she doesn't even acknowledge it, never mind say thanks, ignores texts unless she has initiated them). She is also very laid back.

She doesn't seem to monitor her DD's phone or what she has on it. New friend has instagram and other apps that I haven't let dd have yet. I have said to dd that if she wants instagram then I would follow her (anonymously if necc, so her friends don't know and she isn't embarrassed) as it is an app for 13yrs+ - this is what other parents I know have done.
'Oh but new friend's mum is so relaxed - she doesn't do that' says dd.

At this point I have explained how I am trying to keep her safe. As a teacher and as an adult I have personal experience of the damage bullying can do, particularly cyber bullying. When dd got a phone we set up some ground rules - it is always charged downstairs at night and at the moment dd has to be prepared for me or dh to look at it occasionally (we have also made clear we are not interested in trawling through her texts etc but it is not something that should be 'secret' at the moment).

I HATE now that I feel like new friend's mum is the 'cool mum' and I am the paranoid one.

I'm not comprising my beliefs to be 'laid back' like this mum but I hate that her slackness is being thrown back against me! Ruddy 'other' parents. This parenting malarky is hard enough as it is without other parents inadvertently sabotaging you

But why should she compromise her parenting style to accommodate you any more than you should to accommodate you?

Other families parent differently. I can't imagine it's the first time your dd has experienced this.

I imagine there could be other families who don't allow access to those apps at all cursing you for your laxness!

Where did I say she should compromise her parenting style?!
I'm just grumbling because I was sure others would have experienced a similar thing. I don't think she's the sort who would give a shiny shit about how other people parent and she's every right not to care. I don't expect her dd will be saying 'but why am I allowed that, cardigan's dd isn't'

I don't expect to be the cool mum. at school we all strive to be cool but when we become adults we realise cool isn't important.

LOL! How patronising.
'Cool' in dd's eyes. And don't for one minute think that the school day stereotypes disappear in adulthood - have you not seen a playground mum's threads!
Now though, in a new era we get to be lumped into 'cool' or 'not cool' by our pre-teens/teenagers. I suspect your own parents will always fall in the former category. I wasn't quite ready to fall out of grace so soon though!

Maybe she's not as savvy on
Phone issues as you are? if you spot a problem then let the parent know?

Yes, you could be right new girl.

It's not just the phone thing although I do think a lot of parents hand over the phones, throw up their hands and 'give up' trying to monitor them. I do understand. One of dd's friends had her smart phone taken away and replaced with a very basic model by her parents for installing instagram when she'd been told she was not allowed it. Seems sensible. DD said to me that 'she still uses instagram mum, she just borrows other people's phones and logs into her account'. It is almost impossible to monitor them!

TBH the whole phone thing is by the by really, I think I am just bracing myself for the next few years worth of arguments which are going to be preceded by 'but x's parents let them do that' unfortunately for me I think 'x' is going to be replaced by the name of dd's beloved new best friend .

Wasn't trying to be patronising. No need to be so offish. I have 3 dds and assume they'll think I'm a bitch when they're teens. Hopefully one will talk to me at any given time. I've read the threads on here but not my experience of adults at school. No clue who the queen bee is etc.
I was on your side really trying to say being cool isn't important and I bet your a much better mum but never mind,Just read it how you like.

It's very upsetting, but you become the baddie whatever other peoples parents are like. How annoying!!! My daughter finds me cringingly embarassing and wishes I would go to the gym like xxx's mum. (I am normal size and healthy so far at least). Anything I do is embarassing. It's just a phase, the sad thing it lasts so long!