Am I worrying about nothing?

[SalsaP]

So, I have a tendency to over think things and need others opinions to help me see the wood from the trees please!

We are looking to move house soon but need to be mindful of the school situation as my DS will be starting in 2016. We are planning to stay local but may find ourselves changing into the catchment area of another school. The other school in question is a popular school that many seem to regard quite highly - maybe more so than the school we are currently in the catchment of.

My problem is that I know of a little girl who will also be joining that school and we have had to stop seeing because she bites, hits and pinches to get her own way - and, unfortunately, it works for her! We used to play with her and her mum a lot until this problem got out of hand and that I noticed she would always pick more on my DS than others. We recently got together with them through a mutual friend and the little girl hurt my DS several times my pinching and hitting in just a couple of hours. This is more than a phase as it's been going on for the best part of 2 years.

Now, and this may be the irrational part, it makes me reluctant to want to send my sweet and quite sensitive DS to the same school as her in the fear they end up in the same class. I'm not sure if it's possible to have bullying tendencies at such a young age but it's certainly felt like that's been the case here and couldn't knowingly set my son up for this.

Am I being silly here in not moving into a house I may really like, into the catchment of a good school, because of one child? I feel a bit silly just writing that down but could really do with some neutral opinions please! Many thanks.

Yes you are being utterly silly.

You have no idea what the other children in the class will be like. If the school is good they will deal with any issues appropriately.

The child you're mentioning isn't a bully by the way. They should only ever have one opportunity to bite/hit/pinch and then the parent should either remove the child or supervise them like a hawk. They should also then not get whatever they were trying to get/do when the hitting/pinching/biting happened. Did the other mother do this? Or did she just let it happen?

Thanks for your reply.

I know that she isn't a bully and it is very much a problem caused by her mothers reactions to the situations we've been faced with. The girl often gets what she was after as her mum lets her have it despite having hurt another child for it. It's infuriating for me and sad for the little girl as a number of people I know have stopped contact with them because of it.

Ffs...the child is a bully. I've known kids start out like it and stay like it for life.

No, you are not being silly, if this child consistently targets your child, I would be wary of sending them to the same school, however you will probably find much the same at most schools.

Biting is especially insidious.

Go with your gut.

Thanks for your honest reply Reekypear. It's that gut feeling that won't budge that got me on here asking the question. I had a feeling that people may tell me I'm being silly as it feels dramatic to not consider a whole school because of one child. However, I've watched this child draw blood from my DS when sinking her teeth into him and that's not a situation I feel comfortable exposing him to knowlingly day after day.

You have no idea what might happen between now and Sept 2016. This other child may move, choose a different school, not get in to this school, there may be other children in the future class who have behavioural problems etc etc.

To not choose your preferred house/school over fears relating to one 3 yr old girl is a massive over reaction.

And a 3 yr old is not a bully. They may well become one, if the parents continue to ignore and allow this kind of behaviour.

The family in question have just moved house and are very much in the catchment of this particular school. They already send their DD to the nursery and wish to continue onto the school. She is due to increase her hours to every morning and I'm hoping, for her sake if nothing else, that the nursery teacher helps nip her bad behaviour in the bud. Unfortunately her parents are inadvertently encouraging it by allowing her to get her own way through it.

I'm aware there is a long time between now and September 2016 and a lot could change - but then again it may not and that is what worries me.

If it worries you to that extent then do what makes you less anxious, it really is up to you. I do still think it is an overreaction though.

Would it help if you asked the school what their policy is for dealing with this type of situation (citing it as theoretical obviously, not making it about this girl)? I agree with the PPs that the school should deal with it appropriately and keep your DS safe whilst he is there.

Also have you talked to the girl's parents about the problem?

how big is the school? if there's more than one class per year you could ask for your child to be in a different class

Never go against your gut/ mummy feeling. Xx

It's a fairly big school with 2 form entry so I guess I could ask for them to be in separate classes. I didn't expect them to take such requests but then this is my first experience of schools other than when I was there myself!

I also plan to go on the school tour next month so can ask questions re policies about bullying etc

As for talking to the parents I have done so but not about my DS directly and not about how I don't like to be in their company anymore as I'm having to bodyguard my DS the entire time. Having spoken to the dad recently, who is probably more stern with his DD than mum, he said that it's just her way of defending herself - as though that makes it ok! Anyway, it's often not in defence but rather because she wants what another child has got. E.g. At a playgroup my DS was flicking through a book, she spots this and wants it, tugs and screams at first to try and snatch and when this didn't work bit my DS on the back of his neck. He let's go, her mum does virtually nothing other than saying a rather pathetic "no", she wins! It's the same over and over.

I have become more out spoken and less tolerant of the behaviour when in their company over recent months. The trouble is the mum thinks her DD can do no wrong and I know if I tell her exactly how I feel we will probably come to blows as I expect her to become very defensive. I'm not a massive fan of confrontation which is why I've chosen to back away rather than have it out. Maybe that's not the best thing in the long run for all concerned though.