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Parenting

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Original poster

My mother slapped my son, need advice please

28 replies

3luckystars · 18/05/2015 10:53

I am not sure what to do and am looking for some advice please. This happened yesterday at my parents house.
(I had just given my mother some very bad news that my nephew was in the hospital and had a serious injury, he is only a baby and we live very far away so this was very upsetting for her.) My parents are elderly.

Anyway, I was in another room talking to my dad and my two children were fighting pushing each other off a chair and my mother shouted at my son and managed to slap him in the face. I wasn't there but I don't think she meant to do it, she was just trying to stop him hurting my daughter who is only very small. She has never shouted or ever ever said a cross word to them before, this is all totally out of character.

My son can be very difficult to manage at times, he has Asperger's so I can understand how all of this happened because he actually does hurt my daughter at times and I know my mother was trying to protect her, but I am still very upset over it.

She apologised straight away and I told her never to ever do that again, she said she barely touched him, but its just the fact that it was his face that is upsetting me.
We left and my son was very upset, cried the whole way home and said he never wants to see her again. I told him that she was sorry and that she had been upset at the bad news and she did not mean it but that it was still wrong.

He really means it though, he is very black and white and I know he wont forgive her or visit her house again any time soon. My mother rang me again and apologised this morning, she said she totally over reacted when she saw him hurting my daughter.
My husband said just forget it now and tell her if she does it again then we will have to keep him away from her, but I am just so embarrassed about the whole thing. Like if his mother did this, I would go INSANE.

I feel like I have handled this very badly and am not sure how to sort this out now. Any advice greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Pootles2010 · 18/05/2015 10:59

I don't think there's anything to sort out - she was very upset, you said she didn't mean to do it, and she's obviously mortified. Just leave it alone now.

Original poster

3luckystars · 18/05/2015 11:10

You are right. Thank you.

I am just wondering how to sort it out between herself and my son. Her house is one of the few places we can go and if I cant put this right then I will be very upset. I just don't want my son to think I let him down. I wish it was me she slapped because I would have forgiven her on the spot. Poor mam, you are right she is probably mortified.

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 18/05/2015 11:15

I think you just need to explain to him that she made a mistake - no one is perfect - and she's very sorry about it. Which she is. Pull him up on his behaviour too, he shouldnt be hurting his sister. She won't do it again. I slapped ds1 when he was about 3 and was so mortified I never did it to either him or my other children again.

Floggingmolly · 18/05/2015 11:18

How old is your son? Does he understand that physically fighting with his "very small" sister was just as wrong? From the tone of your post; I'm getting the impression that you're glossing over that bit and concentrating on what your Mum did (which was wrong), but he's not the innocent victim who was attacked out of a clear blue sky for no reason.
Your mum knows it was wrong too.

woodhill · 18/05/2015 11:19

in an ideal world she shouldn't have slapped your son but what about your dd being hurt by your son. he shouldn't have been hitting her. could you explain this to your son. she has apologised.

hope you can still go to your mum's house and your ds will come round. seems a shame.

CinnabarRed · 18/05/2015 11:20

I agree - there's nothing for you to sort.

It was an accident (you say she didn't mean to do it) and DS was misbehaving.

It's not clear from your posts how old he is, nor how being on the spectrum affects him as an individual. Is he able to process the role he played in the incident - without victim-blaming him (i.e. if he hadn't been hurting his sister, granny wouldn't have needed to intervene)?

Staywithme · 18/05/2015 11:22

Would you be able to explain to your mum that, even though it was unintentional and she was stressed at the time, your son is very upset? Could she visit your family instead and that way your son will feel safe in his own environment? This might help them become more relaxed with each other, then you could go back to the visits at hers.

SewingAndCakes · 18/05/2015 11:26

I think you've dealt with it well and as the parent of a child with AS I understand the inflexible thinking and aggressive behaviour towards siblings all too well. I think you should keep reinforcing to him that she made a mistake out of anger, is very sorry and feels bad about it, and that she still loves him very much.

If you can link his behaviour towards his sister with her behaviour (when he's in a mood open to listening) in a clear non judgemental way, then that might help him forgive her.

CinnabarRed · 18/05/2015 11:26

I do hope your nephew is doing well too.

CinnabarRed · 18/05/2015 11:27

I do hope your nephew is doing well too.

Original poster

3luckystars · 18/05/2015 11:28

Yes you are all right. He is 6 and I do make allowances for him because of the ASD and he gets so stressed out. I am going to have a chat with him later and tell him he shouldn't have been shoving his sister off a chair either. She is aged 4 but is very small. They were both fighting a lot yesterday, it was just one of those days.

He does know its wrong to hurt someone, we have it written up on his bedroom door that its not allowed. Thanks very much for answering me, I just had not dealt with anything like this before and I will talk to them all later on.

OP posts:

CinnabarRed · 18/05/2015 11:29

FWIW, I think you sound like a really caring, sensible parent.

GingerCuddleMonster · 18/05/2015 11:29

all I can think of is your poor mother, finds out one of her grandchildren is in hospital, and then witness another one being hurt. no wonder she was stressed and upset and lost control, she's apologised she probably feels absolutely mortified I'd leave it go.

With respect to your son can you explain to him my his grandmother was upset and scared? can you explain to him that hurting his sister is very upsetting too? I don't know how far on the aspergers scale your son is, sorry if that advice is useless

SewingAndCakes · 18/05/2015 11:30

Maybe she could write a card or letter to him with an apology; then he could read it without the social pressure of her being there?

Jinglebells99 · 18/05/2015 11:32

I think the more important issue is how your nephew is doing? How worrying for your mum that one of her grandchildren ( it is her grandchild?) is seriously injured. It sounds like the slapping incident happened in the spur of the moment, and your don needs to know that whilst his grandmother was wrong to slap him, it is not okay to push his little sister. I hope your nephew is ok

SolomanDaisy · 18/05/2015 11:34

If he's six, then he doesn't get a say in whether he goes to her house or not, does he? I think you're indulging him a bit. Your mum hurt him by accident, when he frequently deliberately hurts his younger sister. Doing anything other than saying it was an accident, she is sorry because people are sorry when they hurt other people accidentally, is making it into more than it needs to be.

fourchetteoff · 18/05/2015 11:36

Poor everyone in this scenario.

I hope your nephew is better soon. Your mum must have been in bits with worry, so to have the sudden extra stress of squabbling children and seeing the larger one pushing the smaller one off a chair must have just triggered a protective feeling in her. I can imagine being the same under extreme stress.

I like the idea of SewingandCakes, of suggesting your mum writes a note to your DS. It will make her feel better and will mend bridges.

Perhaps your DS should write a note at the same time. I know he has Aspergers, but if he is being violent to his sister then that is a bit sad too.

ChampagneAndCrisps · 18/05/2015 11:38

Even though your son is on the spectrum and you need to make allowances for that. You also need to realise that he's not always going to be 6 years old and small.
Before you know it he could be a 6ft tall teenager and what was cute and undrrstandable could become frightening.
I think you need to give your mum a break, and think about how best to teach your son about how some of his behaviours could affect others.
I do appreciate that won't be easy, my neighbour has two autistic teenagers and she admits to being frightened of them at times

fourchetteoff · 18/05/2015 11:38

Sorry - an apology note to his sister (just to clarify).
If he is black and white about things he might begin to understand that his behaviour will make people feel just as upset and unforgiving as he is feeling.

QuintShhhhhh · 18/05/2015 11:38

Well, he is only 6, but now he has experienced what his little sister feels every time HE is hurting her, not nice.

Maybe you can use this situation to teach him about empathy, and feeling sorry for something he has done, and sorry about something somebody else has done. If he apologizes to his sister, he expects her to be ok and them to move on, not for her to go on about it and not forgive him and never see him again.

But maybe he is unable to connect the dots.

WorraLiberty · 18/05/2015 11:40

Maybe she could write a card or letter to him with an apology; then he could read it without the social pressure of her being there?

Not a bad idea but he should write one to his sister too.

I can't help agreeing with a PP who said that what he did to his sister, is somehow being lost in what his gran did to him.

RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc · 18/05/2015 11:41

Can you get your mum onside to employ some of the techniques you use with ds so that he feels it has been handled properly and doesn't feel there are double standards going on? Perhaps if you usually sit ds down, explain what he has done wrong and have him apologise for example you could ask your mum to go through the same process - simply for his sake and not because you want to further upset her? I suspect at his age it is going to be a sense of injustice that causes you ongoing problems more than the incident itself so finding a way to handle that will be key for their relationship going forward.

Sounds like an awful day all round, hope everything turns out ok for dn.

RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc · 18/05/2015 11:42

Oh, I also agree with pp, he needs to follow the process for his sister too.

Original poster

3luckystars · 18/05/2015 11:46

My nephew is doing ok, they managed to set 2 of the bones back without surgery. He is in a lot of plaster and is home today, thank you all so much. He will be ok and the doctor said because he is so young then he will be fine, it was just a shock because he is only a baby.

Both the children were shoving each other off the chair, my mother just reacted because I'm sure she thought my daughter was going to fall. The poor woman just thought there would be another injury I suppose, I don't blame her at all she was stressed out. I will take all of your advice on board, thank you so so much for taking the time to reply to me about this.

OP posts:

MarianneSolong · 18/05/2015 11:46

I think it's the absolutist/black and white thinking that I would try to tackle with my older child in that situation.

Is hitting bad? (Yes)
Are people who hit somebody - even once/by accident/under pressure -bad?
(Yes/No/Maybe)

I think I'd want to try and instill the idea that even people who are basically good, will sometimes accidentally/when under pressure do bad things.

A person who decides that we will never ever have anything to do with somebody who does a bad thing may get lonely and/or miss out on good things.

Mother always love their children even though their children will make mistakes - sometimes quite a lot of mistakes - and get something wrong.

Mother also make mistakes, because grownups do. If you make a mistake your child will still keep seeing you.

Grandmothers - who are like mothers - make mistakes too. So carrying on seeing a grandmother is best.

That sort of thing.

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