nightmare mother in law

[Bri84]

Ok so I am after some advice on how to handle my nightmare mother in law. Or rather how to handle my husband who won't stand up to her. Without going into too much detail, she is very controlling and manipulative and has made my life hell since i had my son 5 years ago. I put up with it for all that time for my husbands sake but at Christmas it all came to a head and I confronted her about her behaviour to which she basically told me she owes me no kind of explanation as i don't kiss her arse like her other daughter in law and therefore i am nothing. I haven't spoke to her since. But hubby has just carried on like nothing is wrong, going out for meals and bbqs with them etc and has never once said anything to his mum about her behaviour. I don't know what to do anymore, I wouldn't ask him to choose but I just feel let down that he carries on playing happy families after everything shes said and done. Has anyone else had a problem like this and how did you deal with it?

What's she like with your DS? Is she a good gran?

How close does she live? Do you see her often?

If I were you I'd emotionally detach yourself, don't wait for her approval and don't tell her anything she doesn't need to know - she'll just judge you or use it against you.

You need to decide if this is really a MIL problem, or if DH is the problem if he won't support or defend you.

We live about half an hour away. I haven't seen her since before xmas luckily. In my opinion she is not a good gran, she wanted to take over the minute my son was born, she even said i was selfish for wanting to feed him myself. I made it quite clear she was not going to take over and that's where the main problem lies. it has to be all or nothing with her and if things don't go her way she won't speak to us for months on end. She doesn't even ask after the kids. She didn't even ask how DS got on his first day of school. Basically unless she is in control she doesn't want to know. My BIL and SIL allow her to run their lives, and they do absolutely everything together so I think she expects us to be the same. I have detached myself from her and she hasn't seen the kids either. But hubby is still at her every beck and call, I have know doubt she will be playing the victim every time he sees her. I really wish he would stand up for me and stop going round there but at the same time I feel like if I say that to him it will look like i am being selfish for trying to keep him away from his family.

She sounds like a cow. Plus, she sounds like a bully.

You're doing the right thing by avoiding her.

Sadly I've no advice bout your DH, as my experience with my MIL is a nightmare but in a different way.

Ah thanks for replying, glad I'm not the only one with a nightmare MIL.

I think your problem is not uncommon. The inLaw comes into the family from the outside and can clearly see the dysfunction that immediate family members have developed blind spots to.

it's like when you let your kids eat McDonalds in the car and a chicken nugget falls under the car seat. Over time it grows moldy and develops a rank smell. You don't notice because you have grown accustomed to it. it isn't until someone gets in your car and says - geez it smells ripe in here that you realize something stinks.

I have the same situation as you with both SIL and MIL, except my MIL isn't nearly as bad as yours. However, my own mother sounds exactly like her. My mum is textbook example of narcissistic personality disorder and has had difficult relationships her whole life. My dad and brother are completely blind to it, very passive and will always back her over me.

However, with my MIL - it took a little time - but my hubby supports me with his mum and sister. When MIL does something inappropriate, he calls her out on it. When we got together and my mum started making trouble for him - it took me a week - and then I worked up the nerve to tell my parents they were being unreasonable with him. At the end of the day, its your family that must come first. With SIL, he told her point blank that unless she changed her approach to both him and myself she could expect to see less of us and doesn't want to see her. MIL will stop doing things that upset us, SIL won't so we have positive relationship with MIL. I actively encourage hubby to see his sister without me - but he doesn't want to.

I think you feel hurt your DH didn't stand up for you. You probably need to feel at least that he supports you even if he is willing to make amends with his mum.

What exactly did she say to you?

Love the chicken nugget euphemism lol . Just before xmas she said we don't go round to see her often enough and don't include her in anything. Then I pointed out that she was invited out for DH birthday in October and she didn't even bother to acknowledge the invitation let alone turn up, and instead she invited the rest of the family round hers the same weekend but excluded us. I also pointed out that she hadn't asked after DS starting school. To which she replied she doesn't owe me any explanation as I have never made enough effort for her.

She sounds a nightmare. She wants it all her way - which is a ridiculous expectation. The best thing you can do is create space between you as she clearly doesn't want to resolve things. After a while you might even see the humour in the situation when sharing incidents with close friends. I know I do and it helps.

I also found that having zero expectations of MIL really helped!

Tandemflux - I second that! You're less likely to be disappointed:-)

OP I was going to say she sounds passive aggressive - but she's more than that - just plain aggressive.

If your hubby views this issue as not including himself - 2 women arguing, you might need to hint to him that she upset you and you take it on board he is not offering you any support in a really calm non-confrontational way. Has he ever stated his own opinion on the matter? He may have grown up being told - don't rock the boat with mum it's disrespectful. He's an adult now.

My own father still treats me like I'm a disrespectful child if I call him or my mum out for lying to me. It's a defense mechanism.

He knows what she is like, she has fallen out with so many people over the years, she has 4 siblings none of whom speak to her anymore, so anyone can see what sort of person she is. I think he just doesn't like the thought of a confrontation and just wants me to sweep it under the carpet like nothing has happened. But I have let so many things go over the years for his sake and it has just built up and now I just hate the woman and unless i get some sort of apology there will be no going back.

well i'd say let DH go to the family meetings etc and you just go and do something else nice instead?

I think let him go, but have a chat with him. I think having your hubby say to his mum - I don't support the way you treated my wife and I'm disappointed so little disregard was shown to me in doing so is enough. He has to be courageous enough to show his support for you - if he is afraid his mum will break with him then I'm really sorry but she's more than difficult she's kind of abusive. Hopefully not.

It's hard because you don't want your son to pick up on the conflict and at least know the good parts of his MIL while protecting him from the bad.

Thanks for advice everyone. Right now I don't want DS orDD anywhere near her, she is so manipulative I know she will try everything she can to turn them against me. She even told me once she would do whatever it takes to be favourite.

She sounds very similar to my MIL so I can sympathise OP. Not much advice I'm afraid, you will never change her though. We deal with it by avoiding MIL and her partner as much as possible as she is very manipulative. The less we see of her the happier we are! If you avoid her then you are less likely to feel annoyed with your DH so it's win win. Easier said than done I know but don't let her have any control or negative effect in your life as she would probably love to think she's caused problems between you and your DH. I know my MIL would be delighted! Horrid old bags, I'm determined to be lovely to my future DIL and to let them live thief own lives

Thanks SundayBea that's exactly how I feel, she is probably the only thing DH and I argue about but I am not going to let her win. And I too am keeping note of all the stuff she does to make sure i don't treat my DIL like that x

Are you ladies who posted here still alive and kicking despite the MIL's? I have the same problem.

Newchat Hi! You would probably be better off starting your own thread probably in the 'relationships' section as this a zombie thread. DH and I don't have kids yet (pregnant with our first) but my MIL is similar (although tbh by the sounds of it even worse than OP's, lol). The difference though is that DH backs me up and supports me, and puts clear boundaries in place with MIL, he doesn't go running about after her when she's been really nasty to either myself or him and that will often mean she ignores his calls for months before popping back out of the woodwork to ask him to do some onerous, all-day long chore like cleaning out her horrendous garden - which he will refuse if she's not been bothered with us at all, because she can't expect to treat us like crap and then suddenly demand us to do something big for her. I think a lot of is about putting clear boundaries in place, for your own sanity.

Mine, who usually lives in Australia, has decided to rent in our home town for 5 months to see more of us. But she's like another child in my house, not helpful and for many reasons I can't bear having her around. She has her own key and just lets herself into our house without ringing doorbell, I hate it. So you have my sympathy OP, and yours sounds really hard. The only way I cope is by avoiding mine as much as possible. If I know she's coming round I go out or stay upstairs with the baby. I recommend avoiding yours and having strict boundaries. I tried discussing her with DH but it led to bitter rows every time so I don't bother now.