Working mums with more than one child - how did having no. 2 (or more) affect your relationship with your first?

[notmuchofaclue]

I read a lot of threads about mums feeling like they've lost their special relationship with their first child when a sibling arrives on the scene. But a lot of these seem to be written by SAHMs who have spent so much time with their first and then have to spread their time across 2. I went back to work when my DD was 7 months and she's now just 3. She's been looked after by grandparents while DH and I are at work and as a result she has a really close relationship with them. Although we are very close she's not been clingy to me specifically for a long time now, since she was a baby. I'm due our 2nd very soon and have been thinking a lot about my relationship with her. I wondered if it was possible, as I will be home for at least 6 months, that it could actually be a positive thing for our relationship rather than a negative? Her grandparents will still be around all the time when I'm on mat leave too, so she should still get plenty of attention.
I'm interested to hear other working mums' experiences. Maybe I'm also just looking for a bit of reassurance that I can do this without it being a really difficult time for mine and DD's relationship. Must be the hormones getting me stressed about it all!

I don't want to be the prophet of doom but it has affected my relationship with dd1. I went back to work when she was 7 months and worked full time until she was 16 months when I then dropped to four days.
It does change when you have another baby. I don't think there is any getting away from it. However I also don't know if part of the change is that she's changing too. She's 2.5 and in the past 6 months she's changed so much in terms of development and her personality and I have definitely found her more challenging even before dd2 was born.
The first few weeks after dd2 was born I felt awful like I had ruined dd1's life as I couldn't spend as much time with her. She had to get more independent quickly in terms of dressing herself and stairs and things. However three months on and we've found a way that works most of the time. I involve her in helping me with dd2 and picking clothes and chores and we go out every afternoon and do something nice together. It's great to have this time off with her again at a different age and she's the most wonderful big sister.
So yes it has changed things and in some ways we've lost something but we've all gained something too. When I see the two of them together I know that they've both gained something very special in having a sister. I know it's a good thing in the long term for all of us and that dd1 adores her sister and is so excited about all the things they're going to do together. She's loving dd2 interacting more now and laughing at her etc. she's totally tuned in to her behaviour and can tell me when she wants milk or she wants her dummy or cuddles etc.

Things will change but it is normal. Be kind to yourself in the first few weeks and don't put too much pressure on yourself to try and make everything perfect (I defo did this and it made it harder). The first month will be tough and your dd1 will probably find it tricky too but you'll find a rhythm. Try to involve her where possible and she'll quickly figure out what it's all about.
Good luck xx

Following.

With DS1 I went back to work pt (four mornings a week) at four months, then went up to four days a week at ten months, and FT at fourteen months.

DS is now 19 months and I am due to have DS2 in the summer. Plan to take longer off this time round, and really hoping that DS1 will enjoy having me home more while also being terrified that he will probably hate me for not giving him my full attention and resent the new baby

Notmuch, I worried about this a lot when I was carrying ds. Thought there was no way I could love ds as much as her older sister. Dd was 3 when ds was born, so similar age gap to yours.

When ds was here, I was all consumed with him (difficult baby). Dh had to be the one for dd. I fell in love with ds. Sadly, I think dd was somewhat sidelined by me. It is not because I was a working mother. I think that happens in many cases, whether the mother works or not. The older one is suddenly perceived to be much older in comparison and thus left to get on even though she is still just a child.

Thankfully, dd also adored her baby brother. The fact that she was 3 made her so ready for a younger sibling. It would not have been the case if she was 2.5.

Then when ds was 1, I saw the signs of playing together. When ds was 18m, they began playing together properly. Today, at 11 and 8, they are partners in crime and 2 peas in a pod. They have their own relationship with each other and me my own relationship with each of them.

It will work out hth.

It didn't change. dc1 seemed to think that dc2 was just another toy / thing to be interested in for a few minutes then lost interest and carried on exactly as we were, tbh.
There is no reason at all it should be a difficult time for your relationship, as you as you include her and give her attention and praise her fro being so helpful, and how lucky you are to have a big girl like her to help you, etc, etc, etc.

It didn't really. I went back 3.5 days a week when DD1 was 6 months old. Had DD2 when she was 2.10. She went to nursery 2 says a week and GPs 2 mornings a week. Was perfect. I got lots of bonding time with baby 2 and gave baby 1 lots of attention when she was home.

DD1 pretty much ignored the baby as long as I kept her quiet (it does mean she was in a wrap/carrier for months). Once DD2 learned to crawl after big sister and laugh they became best friends and have been ever since.

Although I felt guilty about working having DD1 in childcare that was already established completely saved my sanity on mat leave.

Not at all really. If anything ds2 was a great benefit. We have smaller gap (1 year). Dh and I work for own company so the first few years we mainly took it in turns working from home. This meant with one baby they slept in sling on laps whilst we worked, but also just played alone in living room a fair bit. When ds2 was born after 6 months or so ds1 had a permanent playmate. We would try and fit most work into when they both napped or slept, but often had a few hours in the day when we needed to catch up also. The fact there was two of them meant I was happier they could entertain themselves a few hours without getting lonely when needed

I work full time and have done since 7m with both DC. When DC2 was born DC was 2.4. I found it really hard and felt like I was really mourning the loss of relationship with DC1 who was mostly taken over by DH just down to logistics. So they left the house in the morning, DC1 to nursery, DH to work and I was left home with DC2 all day. They returned about 6pm and due to DC2 being a difficult baby, DH did pretty much all DC1 bedtime routine too. He would also take DC1 away at weekends to allow me and DC2 to rest. I hated it and at some points did definitely regret having DC2, and developed very bad PND. Roll forward 3.5 years and it could not me more different. I find relationship with DC2 is amazing and DC1 is back to what it was if not stronger, plus it is a joy to see their own little relationship build. I am so happy that I did have second now and wouldn't change it for the world.

I work 3 days a week, having just gone back to work after being on leave with DD, she is nearly 1 and DS is 3. I do find it hard with DS and one of the main problems is his behaviour towards her.

When smaller he would struggle with any noise she made especially crying, and his solution to this was to shout or roar at her. Now he has eased off a bit on this but she's mobile and grabbing toys etc. and he either snatches things or steps on her if she's in the way (and at other times, for attention).

There are some positives though, don't worry! He is older now and able to do more and we can do more activities together and some of these DD likes to watch e.g. if we do painting at the table, she is happy to sit in her high chair and watch (or we do it while she's napping). He does like to help do some things for her - fetch her nappy, put a piece of toast from her plate in front of her, push her on the swing (and he's actually OK about being gentle then). And she thinks he's hilarious. Sadly, especially when he makes extravagant noises with his bottom.

(One of the advantages of working, though, is that a lot of the time when I am with both of them, DH is there too. I have booked an extra morning at nursery for DS so I can spend time with just DD, as I feel I spent time with just DS before DD came along)

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. Sounds like it can be a real mixed bag based on a lot of different factors. I will certainly take the advice of not trying to make it all perfect straight away - I think I was already starting to worry about what would happen if it wasn't. I know it's not going to be achievable.
People keep asking if dd is 'excited' about being a big sister soon. She's quite the opposite and will say that she doesn't want him to come and live with us/doesn't want to help etc. Do you think this is just toddler talk or a sign of things to come?! Jeez, I do love a good worry.

I have a 2.5yr gap and work three days a week. DD adored DS from day one and was wonderfully helpful. I was exhausted through my pregnancy with DC2 (not helped by DC1 still feeding during the night!) and the early months of DC1's life so I was grumpier and more short tempered than I would otherwise have been. I also probably took advantage of her patience and good nature (for example, would make her wait to do whatever thing she wanted me for whilst I fed DS or settled him or something although obviously DS was left to cry more than DD ever was). However, as I was on maternity leave and so around all week, we re-jigged her childcare arrangements and she was able to start ballet & gymnastics both of which she loves three years later.
Three years later, I relish my relationship with DC1. She is so much older than DC2 (obviously! She is almost twice his age) and we do "grown up" things. So both DC will have a joint bedtime story of Julia Donaldson or similar and then DC1 starts yawning extravagantly and saying how tired she is whilst winking frantically (all of this is her doing) and says she has to go to bed at which point I tuck DC2 in and then sneak into DC1's book and we have a chapter of an Enid Blyton book or something. At weekends, I take DC1 to her swimming lesson leaving DC2 with DP and then DC1 and I may go & choose a present if she has a party that afternoon or go to the park with the massive climbing frame where there is nothing for DC2 to do or we might just go to the supermarket for some top up bits so we just need a basket as we're not buying much and don't need the trolley seat for DC2 and DC1 and I discuss what we want to have to eat over the weekend. We also both relish running up & down stairs rather than having to go in the lift as we don't have the pushchair! It is so much fun. I also love the fact that, as I am tucking her in on a Friday (I don't get home until bedtime), she usually greets me with "I have a plan for tomorrow".

If you're not ebf, can you leave DC2 with the GPs one day/morning a week and just have some time with DC1? 3 is a lovely age and doing things mid-week is brilliant as it is so much quieter than at the weekend.

I'm just sat here bf ds2 who's 4 weeks old :) so this is all a fresh experience in my mind! DS was 3.2 when DS2 arrived, and I normally work FT. I had 6 weeks off before DS2 arrived and it was nice spending some time with DS1 (although he was still going to preschool 4 days a week) and I felt as though our relationship improved a bit on spending a bit more time together.

What I didn't anticipate is that I would 'go off' DS1 when DS2 arrived and it was very upsetting. So on the Sunday evening there was DS1 and I as 'best buddies' going off on an 'adventure walk' followed by tea, bath, bedtime story etc, then I had DS2 overnight and went home, really looking forward to seeing DS1, and when we reunited I just felt really ambivalent towards him. He seemed so BIG, so noisy, smelly and ott, and I just wanted to spend time in bed with my newborn feeding and cuddling. I really did have an aversion to DS1 for a few days (which I hid, obviously, but I did delegate a lot of stuff to DH) Luckily the feeling wore off over 10 days or so, but it was a complete shock as i've never heard anyone mention this before, but then when I spoke to my Mum and a couple of friends they said they experienced similar.

Mrscog I had that too - I was so shocked by how big and snotty DD1 seemed after spending 2 days in hospital cuddling perfect little DD2! DD2 is just 2 weeks old and DD1 is still in nursery full-time from when I was working, although her hours are obviously a little shorter. Next week, now that BF is established with DD2, I plan to reduce her hours and enjoy (hopefully!) the good weather with her.

She is really struggling with the change, and upset at times, although is consistently loving and gentle towards DD2 which is a relief. We reached a low point this morning when she asked for DH and her granny and told me to 'leave her alone' . I'm hoping it will all settle down with time but it will take a lot of effort on my part I think to ensure she stays secure in her relationship with me...

Incidentally, she has also been refusing to nap in nursery this week, although is showing no signs of being ready to drop the nap. Please tell me this is just a reaction to change and she will revert??!!!

I worked full time from when DS1 was born until Ds2 was born (he was early). DS1 was 3. I had PND first time and was worried about my 2nd maternity leave. But it was great, I felt I really got to know ds1 so much better over the year and we had loads of fun together. He went to nursery 3 school days so I still had time with me and ds2.