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Original poster

Just stopped DD (9) attending party after being rude to me - better ways of handling it?

28 replies

Mummyinamask · 16/05/2015 10:14

DD is currently being rude/unpleasant to us and DD1 when she is feeling annoyed for some reason (usually trivial but she is 9).

This morning after being asked to do something she said 'I was going to do that in a couple of minutes, d'er' with all the pre-teen anger and contempt she could muster (which was a surprisingly large amount considering what a bloody nice life she leads).

I saw red and promptly grounded her: no swimming this morning and no party this afternoon. She flipped and wailed and screamed and pleaded but I stood firm.

If I allow this now, she'll be at it until she leaves home (mid 30s given economic climate, so a wee while).

I'd rather not stop her going to party but nor do I want this sort of talk aimed at anyone, not me, not DH, DD2, friends, teachers . . .

So, wise MNetters;
What should I have done (something tells me there will be a next time)?

And is there anything I can do to allow her to the party while not backing down and ensuring consequences for what I consider to be unacceptable behaviour?

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gamerchick · 16/05/2015 10:17

Let her earn the party back. The swimming is enough and a point you mean it.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 16/05/2015 10:18

Get her to explain to you why she was grounded. In full. Ask her why it is unacceptable to behave like that to other people. Ask her what she thinks she should do to make up for it. If she shows that she does understand, keep with the no swmming. If not, no party.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 16/05/2015 10:19

Oh and only talk to her if she has stopped with the wailing and carrying on.

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Kewrious · 16/05/2015 10:22

I don't have a 9 year old, so I can't quite imagine how much that single sentence would have riled you so much. It wasn't offensive per se, just supercilious in its tone. I was a very good girl, didn't really rebel, academically very good, but even I was prone to the supercilious tone at that age. My parents would do a mixture of bollocking and eye rolling at me. But no swimming AND no party for 'tone of voice' seems a little bit harsh no? (Again, don't have a 9 year old and I can imagine how much it pushed your buttons). I would, if this is possible, say 'do not speak to me like that. If you cannot speak properly, then I am afraid I refuse to take you swimming. Can you try saying that again properly?' She probably won't, and then you say, 'well if you apologise by x time' then I will take you swimming, otherwise not. But I suspect that both together and a telling off (which then becomes a screaming/shouting drama), is a bit much. I may be taking this all back when mine is 9 btw.

butterflyballs · 16/05/2015 10:27

I think you were really harsh actually. You should have given her a warning first.

I've got a teen and I've learned to pick my battles very wisely or we would be at loggerheads all the time. I've got used to a bit of back chat to be honest, it's par for the course. But I think coming down that hard on a 9 ear old for saying "dur!" is unreasonable. You are not giving her the opportunity to make amends or change her behaviour but just hitting her with a punishment she wasn't expecting. I'm not surprised she kicked off.

Calm down, let her calm down and then talk to her. Tell her you over reacted by immediately grounding her but you don't like being spoken to like that and in future if she's disrespectful she can expect to lose out on something.

Jinglebells99 · 16/05/2015 10:28

I agree with kewrious, but I have a 16 and 13 year. It's too much punishment for a mild comment. If you are that offended now by derr, heaven help you in later years! I would have just said, I don't appreciate that tone, and left it at that.

butterflyballs · 16/05/2015 10:31

Jinglebells, I can hear the weariness of a fellow parent of a teen! I also have a 9 year old who can be gobby on occasion but hormones appear to be starting early with her.

Lovelydiscusfish · 16/05/2015 10:32

I would just explain to her that you reacted angrily because you were hurt and insulted by her tone (you have feelings too!), that you can see you might have been a bit harsh including the party as well (but you did it because you were so hurt and upset), and that you are willing to let her go to the party, if she can understand why you were so upset, and apologise to you.
No need to feel compelled to stick to something you are now regretting - you are human, you're entitled to change your mind/reconsider.

thornrose · 16/05/2015 10:33

I think you've overreacted. Like others have said, let her earn back the party.

youmakemydreams · 16/05/2015 10:35

Oh goodness I kind of agree a bit tough. If you ground her so harshly everytime that happens from now on she won't leave the house until she's 30. She is growing up puberty is hitting. The mood swings and hormones bring that tone out more and more. I don't think ignoring it and telling her that it's unacceptable means she is going to be like this as an adult.
Dd is 12 soon and has a great line in sarcasm and back chat that started at 9 too. Usually I eye roll and ask her to go into another room and come back when she's ready to speak in a proper tone. This can lead to dramatics but I ignore her until she's blown it all out and comes back has a hug and we have the conversation properly.
It's life with preteeens I'm afraid and only gets worse before it gets better.

thornrose · 16/05/2015 10:35

If I followed through on every threat my 15 yo dd would be living at her grandmothers or been carted away by the police by now.

rubytuesday11 · 16/05/2015 10:39

Hi Mummy in a mask, I totally understand that you don't want her to talk this way to anyone, and good for you for coming to get some different ideas.
I too probably wouldn't have stopped my daughter from going, but in the moment you only do your best thinking at the time.

I got a completely different understanding of why children behave in certain ways, by understanding that our children are naturally good, and co-operative and really want to behave well. And that all bad behaviour stems from hurt feelings. That when children (and adults too!) get upset, they can't think clearly and say or do stupid things that come from the hurt.

So making long term changes in behaviour come from connecting with our child, spending quality time to them, having fun laughing with them, listening to them when they get upset, and allowing them the chance to process their emotions, with our warmth and love.

It's counterintuitive I know, because we think we need to punish and be harsh with kids, but it's actually better in the long run, to work on the root cause of behaviour. Punishment actually make behaviour worse in the long run, because they cause more hurt and disconnection between parent and child. I think we know this deep down, because what parent feels good about punishing our child?

i learnt all this from Hand in Hand parenting which has some good articles like this one Bad words from good kids which might have some helpful ideas for how to deal with back talk.

Original poster

Mummyinamask · 16/05/2015 10:42

I agree I was harsh, hence post but wow does that child know how to push my buttons.
And it was the tone of dismissive contempt.

This isn't the first time - she knows not to speak to people like that. I've done the explaining and discussing, read the non-confrontational parenting books ( well, started, maybe I should finish ) but I just found this infuriating this morning.

Naturally, I've also lifted it from its context of non cooperation during swimming prep, ridiculously messy bedroom etc etc

Thank you feckthemagicdragon, you've given me a strategy for when I've calmed down.

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reallybadidea · 16/05/2015 10:44

I'm not sure that I completely agree with pick your battles in this context. We found the only thing that worked with pre-teen rudeness was zero tolerance - every rudeness or impolite tone was picked up on and I asked her to repeat it politely and if not then she was sent to her room. I found from memory of myself at that age and experience with dd, that sometimes ignoring it and then flipping when it all got too much, is confusing for the child in question. Why was it ok to use a tone of voice one minute and not ok the next? And rudeness and backchat can become a habit if not clamped down on IME.

Obviously use your common sense when she's got a problem with friends, tiredness etc.

Original poster

Mummyinamask · 16/05/2015 10:45

I do agree rubytuesday, I took the day off work yesterday so I could go on a school trip with her for exactly those reasons. I am trying, honest . . .

OP posts:

rubytuesday11 · 16/05/2015 10:49

fab idea Mummy in a mask. You sound like a great mum. We all see red sometimes!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 16/05/2015 10:50

Why give 2 punishments for 1 minor misdemeanour? (And that IS minor - standard 9 yr old stuff). You should have explained that her punishment was missing swimming and that If she spoke to you like that again this morning she would also be missing the party.

It was very unfair - you haven't given her a chance to correct her behaviour.

And don't forget, sarcasm is a new thing in the playground at this age. They can sometimes get it wrong and use it with the wrong situation or person. If you explain and punish properly and fairly then their use of sarcasm will be taught properly.

I think you have answered your own question. In your own words, you "saw red". You were over the top and if it were me, I would go to her and say that her use of the sarcasm was wrong with you, and that it made you angry Which in turn made you give her 2 punishments. Tell her you realise this is unfair but be very clear and say that she deserved not to go swimming as a punishment. However if she can be good till this afternoon and be contrite then she can to the party.

AspieAndNT · 16/05/2015 10:51

I find with my boy's that instead of it being a given that they do stuff, they have to earn it with good behaviour etc. When they slip up, a reminder of what they are aiming for is given.

Mutley77 · 16/05/2015 10:59

I don't cancel parties as I think it's really unfair to the child hosting (and their parents). So personally I would do what a pp suggested and try to work out how she can earn that back.

Reading the rest with interest as I have the same issues. A year and a half on from you and it has got worse. I was called a selfish idiot yesterday and I know she was lashing out because she felt hurt (by me reinforcing a boundary on something else) but equally she needs to learn that she can't just lash out when she feels hurt and angry. I do the classic ignore ignore and then finally it gets to me so much I react and ground her for a week, which is clearly completely useless.

neolara · 16/05/2015 11:02

I agree that it sounds like you over reacted, unless there is a huge back story and her current behaviour is a response to thid. The trick now is to give in gracefully in a way that doesn't make her think that throwing a massive strop has made you change your mind.

I might say something like, 'I realise now that stopping swimming and the party was probably too much, but I felt really, really cross because your tone of voice sounded so rude /disrespectful. Nonetheless, on reflection, I can see I probably overreacted and therefore I've changed my mind and you can go to the party. I want you to know that my change of heart has absolutely nothing to do with you screaming and shouting. Behaving like that in the future will absolutely not make me change my mind. I'm changing my mind now only because I realise I may have been a little unfair to you. I would have come to this conclusion anyway when I called down. "

Original poster

Mummyinamask · 16/05/2015 11:05

Good point mutly, it's not the birthday girls fault or problem.

And thank you for admitting to having the same issues - I sometimes feel I'm the only one who doesn't have it pegged. Does everyone else really through this stuff?
I suppose we all have our, ahem, areas for development.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummyinamask · 16/05/2015 11:06

Everyone else really sail through this stuff . . .

OP posts:

MerryMarigold · 16/05/2015 11:10

I have a 9yo boy buy he can be very rude. I send him to his room, or take away computer. I think the no party is a bit harsh. I would explain that You were hurt and angry. O her the is No Way she would speak to a teacher like that. But I would make sure she understands there will be consequences for every bit of rudeness and that you don't need to warn her each time.

Original poster

Mummyinamask · 16/05/2015 11:14

I've relented. We've had a chat.
All is well.ish.

Till the next time.

Thanks to everyone who gave advice.
It's much appreciated.

OP posts:

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 16/05/2015 11:16

Everyone else really sail through this stuff?

No. Not at all, I am sure I made some pretty crap choices when mine were that age too due to a mixture of things on their part and mine but it has paled into the distance as they have become adults. We are still a close family and often spend time together although I am trying hard to get the buggers to leave home just chatting and enjoying being with each other. I apologised many a time to mine for mistakes I made, they knew the door was always open to them and that I would listen to their side and that sometimes punishments would be retracted if the adult concerned had over-reacted. We all fly off the handle sometimes, no-one is a perfect parent.

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