Not the mother I thought I would be

[Purpledahlia88]

This will be a bit jumbled so please bear with me.

I am a single parent to a 5 year old DS, and I'm totally useless at it. For the past couple of years I have increasingly been relying on alcohol to help cope with stress/boredom/loneliness and recently quit drinking altogether which, although obviously has major plus points, means I find myself extremely stressed and snappy and having no patience with him.

He isn't a naughty boy at all, just the usual stuff. Anything he does wrong I blame myself for anyway as I have been a shit parent for the past five years (I suffer on and off with depression as well but get absolutely 0 help from family with my child so it is relentless).

I imagined I would be a good mother who enjoyed every moment with my child, could take him on great holiday as and spoil him. But no. I am finding it near impossible to find work so we have no money. I spend a lot of time with him of course and try and do a lot with him but I am not enjoying it. I count down the hours till bedtime then bedtime comes and I sit alone crying because I feel like such a horrible mother.

Sorry for the woe is me tone

I am not depressed, have money (enough) and a partner, and I still count down the hours to bedtime regularly. Don't make that make you think you are shit! What a gift you've given your son by stopping drinking. It is hard to relieve stress (I turn to chocolate but that's not healthy either) though exercise can be amazing - obviously you have to do it with your son if no childcare, but even long walks together might help. Is your son generally happy? Does he smile, laugh every day? Does he look like he (not you) thinks he missing out? I guess you are a stressed parent, rather than a shit one!
Is he at school now, has that helped at all?

That all sounds really hard. What do you do with him? I find with my young children that if we don't get out and do something fun I'm just getting all the hard bits without the good bits.

This weekend was a good example. They drove me half mad in the morning, whining and moaning the whole time, so we went out in the afternoon and had a good time which made up for the morning and made me feel more competent!

I appreciate budget is an issue but there are lots of things you can do for free or very little money when they are so young.

Well done on quitting drinking. That is a massive achievement.

Stay strong op

You really are not a shit parent. It is so, so, so hard. You need to look after yourself. Huge pat on the back for giving up drinking, you have kicked your prop away so you are going to feel extra bad for a while, but what an achievement.

Look at it from your little boy's point of view. I used to (and still do) despair at Christmas because I couldn't do all the things I wanted to do for them in the way of gifts, outings etc. One day it occurred to me that they didn't know I had wanted to do these things so they weren't worried, it was me that knew they were 'missing out'. They thought they were having a great time.

Getting out and about to the park, to the woods, whatever is handy for you is a great idea. Lots of love and cuddles is what your little boy wants, and what he will remember.

As others have said, counting down the hours to bed time is fairly normal I think.

Have you spoken to your doctor? I know people hate anti depressants, but maybe, if you are depressed they would help. I think people look back to Valium and think they are all addictive and change your personality. The modern versions don't, they enable you to move yourself to a better place.

Take care.

You are not a bad mum; you quit drinking as you realised it was turning into a big problem. You did that for him and yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back. It is hard having no support but mums net have really good local meetings. I have a friend that goes now. She had her child later in life and was feeling low as all her friends are back to work mums and she was very lonely and depressed durning the day. Maybe you could go to any meeting designed for parents and build up another support network there.

Being a mother/parent is hard. I wish it could be like in the movies and adverterts; you know the ones - everyone is singing and laughing and all is well with the world. But real life is not like that - it can be very hard and painful. But you need to keep getting up and wipe your self down. Because YOU and your child are worth it!

I agree with Iggi999; I have also count the minutes to bedtime and then felt lonely. Trick is give your son a kiss and a cuddle as he settles down and tell him you love him. Its the little things that count the most.

Go see a Dr; maybe he can refer you to a guildance councillor. Then just take everyday as it comesand look after yourself.

Purple- do not doubt yourself. I bet you're a great mum and you Lo loves you more than life itself. No one is ever going to give you a pat on the back so do it yourself. Think positively Abd ask for help. X x

Ps I'm on AD
and have never felt better! One pill once a day and it's all better. You can still have the odd glass of wine too :-) wishing you lots of luck- p.s have you thought about finding a companion? Might give you something else to focus on and get excited about x x

There is no shame in having a 'woe is me'.

You're an adult and as much as kids bring us joy when they're little it's so much work. It sounds like you don't get much respite. It can be hard when having a kid sometimes stops you from doing the things you enjoy and lack of money really makes it seem impossible.

Be strong and don't give up pushing for what you want. Keep reaching out to people and keep trying.

You've got a well-behaved five year old little boy so you're not useless. He needs you and you're there for him.

I dont think you sound like a useless mum at all, but maybe some parenting classes would help you. You could learn some tips on parenting and meet up with other parents who may be having a few problems so you will have others in a similar position to talk to.

Also do see the GP if you need to get help with your depression, even if you are on AD but it is not helping enough, you might need to adjust your meds..
Btw i dont suggest a parenting class because i think you are a bad mum! I just think you sound like you would like to improve a few things and this way you would be able to talk with a childcare expert and some other parents. But make sure you find a good class which is friendly and informative.

Thank you, you are all so lovely and supportive. I did a parenting class called triple p a few years ago but can't remember much of it... May try and do it again

Sounds pretty normal!

It is boring and relentless being on your own with a young dc all day every day.

Not being able to find work is really depressing too.

Your feelings are perfectly legitimate and don't make you a bad mum.

When we have no support else where we turn to the objects closet to help us. some its chocolate, some drugs, yours was booze.
Everyone has floors. You realised what you were doing and you stopped. WELL DONE!!!! If you can do that, you can do anything!!!!!

stay strong!!!!

I bet hardly any people are the parents they thought/hoped they would be. Real life as a parent makes that pretty near impossible. I can tell by your post that you very much want the best for your son and that in itself means you are trying. You're having a hard time at the moment due to no money, and the stress of giving up a long-term coping mechanism; no wonder you're just getting through the day sometimes.

When I feel that I've been 'counting down the hours' I quite often go into my daughters' room when they're asleep and give them a kiss and a cuddle and just be with them for a bit: it always makes me feel better. To look at them so peaceful and secure makes me realise that I must be doing something OK even if I did shout about spaghetti on the floor or whatever.

Are you getting any support to help stay sober? AA helped me stay stopped but also changed my perspective on life so I was bitter and grumpy all the time without a drink but able to get closure on the past and be a happier more loving person.

*wasnt

try to work it so you break your time up as much as possible into time when you're really together (a spectrum from full-on shared play to you sitting with a coffee while he fiddles with some lego on the floor) and time when you're really apart (a spectrum from you sitting doing your thing in a different room while he watches wild kratz on the t.v., to being out of the house altogether with a babysitter at home).

the first thing with this is making time 'for yourself' - and learning how to really enjoy it and use it - so it makes you feel okay/good about things (about the immediate and not so immediate future). you have to find something you're into, that you can do in another room while he's watching wild kratz, and that might end up producing money somehow one day.

the other thing is learning how to spend lots of time with a five year old so it goes okay or well. that's just the huge deal that it is. for me, it has turned out that this seems to be the golden rule: if they get what they need and want roughly when they need and want it most of the time they're possible to live with - and even likely to be very amazing to live with quite often. with my two pre-school boys this largely comes down to giving them a chance to go a bit nuts (e.g. jumping up and down on the sofa; going out and running around; playing with a balloon), as well as requiring them to focus and get into something (drawing, building, listening, watching t.v. etc.).

the point is that if you manage to break up your time in this sort of way, you should start to feel better for two reasons - because you're getting to do some stuff that you're into and want to do more of, and because you're having a better time in the little-person world that you mostly live in.

i find all of the above incredibly hard - engaging with them/ getting way from them/ finding something i want to do in the scraps of time i make for myself/ doing it. but its obvious to me that i have to get somewhere with all of it if i'm going to start to feel properly better.

Your depression is probably getting in the way of thinking logically. You are not shit and most of us count down the hours until bedtime.

Going on a parenting course is a good idea might be a good idea. It may reinforce the fact that you are doing things right and if it doesn't it will give you ideas.

I presume that your son is at school? I used to take my DC to the park on the way home so it used up some time. It was a park close to school so a lot of mums used it so it became a bit of a social thing. My DS has school dinners so it didn't matter what time we got home as I could just make sandwiches

Can you invite one of his friends hoe for tea so he has someone to play with . Less entertaining for you to do

Hi Purple, hope your weekend's going ok? I echo all the things other people have said on here, there's been some excellent advice. And I was wondering whereabouts in the country you are, if you don't mind saying?