Family in a mess

[Figamol]

I just don't know how to get the right balance for my family and its just causing me great upset. Ive 3 kids 3, 4 & 5. The youngest is in an autism centre, the second is playing up all the time and just doesn't respond to any sort of reasonable discipline, and the eldest is falling behind at school as they don't get the time they need from me for reading and writing practice.

Im studying for a Masters and have constant deadlines that are just so difficult to meet although that ends in Summer. I'm working till 1am and not doing my best work. Im exhausted. We just moved house and its still in disarray and I don't have the time to organize it. Husband is stressed at work trying to pay for all this.

Family are all miles and miles away and can't afford any help. I need to get back to work after the summer as we're struggling financially, even with parents help, but I don't know how workable this is having a special needs child and all his appointments, not to mention the needs of the other two.

I've put on 10 kilos in as many months as my drug of choice is chocolate and I feel shit about myself. I know they say to schedule in exercise but unless I do it at 4am I simply don't know how thats possible. I've not had a decent nights sleep in many years, there is never a night where we're not woken at least twice.

Well I'm on my knees and apart from winning the lottery and hiring Supernanny I just don't know what can give :(
Feel better for writing that down tho…. :(

Are you looking at working full time? If so, perhaps it would make sense to go part time instead. The option is a job where you can work from home so when there are appointments you work from home.

I know your husband is stressed but could he help out a bit more

No, definitely can't work full time. 60/70% at most. I neglected to say husband is way better than the average. Very hands on and does organize his schedule to help a lot. But I don't feel he carries the stress in the same way emotionally. I do most of my sons appts and some make me happy some can make me incredibly sad but he doesn't have to bear the brunt of that. Whilst he is stressed about our present situation, I am stressed thinking of our futures, our health and everything in between. I can't complain about him though. Reading back I don't see any solutions. Just sucking it up and trooping on is the answer I guess.

Are you claiming your carers benefits? Just thinking you need to ensure your getting any money you are entitled to.

It really does look like you have spread your self out too thinly. You need to start a) looking after yourself (because that will have a knock on effect with your children AND b) learn to say NO! Reflect on any decisions and how they will effect the whole family, say NO if appropriate.

Where is your OH in all this? What time does he leave/return from work?

To get through the next few months concentrate on building a routine. Write yourself a daily timetable and include time reading with the children.

We don't qualify for any benefits as we do really look financially healthy on paper. The reality is very different. We barely cover the bills.

I do spread myself too thinly but most of what I need to do is for the family. I wouldn't have taken on the Masters had I known my son would be diagnosed this year and we'd have to move to get the right care. But Im 2/3rds of the way through now so I just have to summon the strength to finish it. It directly relates to my career so at least theres a motivation to complete to get back to a good job.

OH does one of the drop offs and I do the other. He comes home as early as he can. But its having a knock on effect on his earnings. He has a basic salary and the other half is made of commissions which for obvious reasons he isn't getting a lot of. He could change job but he wouldn't be in a flexible situation to help at home which is what we decided he needs to do until I can get back to work.

The timetable is an excellent idea. It will help with the sibling jealousy, its hard to do any activity like reading with one as the others get annoyed and start attention seeking. The behavior of our number 2 is really getting us down. His issues are obvious and related to family stress and the attention number 3 is getting. But it doesn't matter how nice we are, how much explaining we do, or how much one on one time he gets, he is beyond difficult. But only with us, he's fab at school and with the grandparents and friends.

I just guess my problems are a mothers burden.

I still think you would be entitled to a carers allowance for you looking after your ds3. Your DH earns but you don't and you are the main carer and have him in your care all the hours he isn't at school. www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/benefits-for-people-who-are-sick-or-disabled/#h-benefits-for-carers

It sounds bloody hard going though! Sounds like number 2 is very jealous and stressed! I suspect he needs more of your attention to feel happier. Could you use a timer for reading and do 10 min slots for each child?

you could talk to your course leader for advice on mitigation or long extention. You could extend one or two deadlines into summer to take the pressure of the last bits of work which might help everything else.

You can definitely claim dla and carers allowance for your youngest. (Dla is not related to income - carers is to a degree but it sounds like you would qualify). You would also get a tax credit disability element unless you are on an extremely high income. It's not clear if you already claim dla but you don't need a diagnosis to do so, just have to prove your child needs more care than a child of a similar age.

We receive high rate dla for our 3 year old who is being assessed for autism and developmental delay. It's £83 a week and then we get carers allowance too (£63 a week) and about an extra £100 a week in tax credits. Makes a huge difference to us.

I thought some for allowances were not income related. Perhaps you should look at it again.

Timetable idea is good idea. Could you involve the children in part of it so they understand that their turn will come. Maybe change the order so that it is not always the same child getting their time first. They are still very young and although you have explained it is a lot for them to take in.