Don't think I handled this right, could do with some advice

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Dd1 has had a thing about school cardigans lately. Won't wear them. Has been happily wearing all sorts of cardigans for years, since birth, but now apparently they're either too big, too small, too long, too short, too tight, too loose, and I have had enough with the dictating.

She tried it again this morning. I know it's just her trying to assert control so I snapped and told her if she couldn't grow up and behave herself and wear the correct uniform like everybody else in the school has to then she wouldn't be going to the sports club after school today. It's a one off trip to the playing field for her class to do some extra sports stuff. Not a big thing but most of the class are going.

She looked a bit put out but we get a lot of that. I am always sanctioning TV, reading time, treats etc in an effort to curb this type of behaviour. She is very dominant and self assured and strong willed.

Clearly it's not working, she's still very assertive and determined to do as she pleases, but I now feel really mean. She's been looking forward to the sports club. Was I too hasty or should I stick to my guns?

How old is she?

On principle, I would always follow through, as not doing so stores up trouble for next time.

But on this type of issue I would remind her that she'll get in trouble at school and then leave it up to her. Depending on age, I might then clue in her teacher not to be too nice about it...

Oh sorry I knew I'd miss something out! She's eight. Going on about eighteen. I did tell her teacher this morning that I'd told her she couldn't go. He looked a bit . He knows how devious she is though. When he had a shift round in class he sat her in front of his desk so he could see that she was actually working. I told him good on him.

They might actually cancel the club anyway, it's bloody windy here and we've got gales predicted later.

Usually I would say always follow through. But I have been known to change the consequence when I realise I have been too harsh, or that it effects others more than dd. So in this case let er go, but no TV (or whatever)

By the way, one of my dds won't wear a school cardi. She always wears the sweatshirt.

You could put the cardi in her bag, put her coat on, tell her it is there and if she gets cold she can put it on, otherwise she can get cold.
I find that putting the decision back onto them works quite well. After all, it is her choice to get cold then, and you don't have to deal with it.

If it's not mandatory for her to wear it then I wouldn't bother fighting this battle.... often they only argue to get a rise out of you. My 4yo son does this

Yes I think you're right, she's such a bossy little thing, it's just her way of asserting her independence and control. She's so stubborn though like her mother that she would rather be cold than put it on.

Perhaps I'll see what she's like at pick up and go from there. As long as I'm not being a complete pushover if I change my mind.

I'm stubborn too - it really winds me up when DS1 does it right back

I'd go for: pick her up, gauge her state (defiant/sad) and go from there, as you say. Maybe a good middle way would be to go "I've had a think DD, and I decided that you are old enough to decide if you want to be cold or not. From now on, I am going to put your cardi in your bag and it is up to you whether you wear it or not. If you think that's an okay compromise, then you can go on the sports trip. Does that sound reasonable?"

IME with DS1, he's generally ok if you try to reason with him when he's not already pissed off. I think he resents what he sees as 'being bossed about'; maybe your DD is the same and will respond well to being given autonomy as steppemum says.

Oh, and if it's not mandatory I would just leave it from now on. She probably enjoys the argument, so by not arguing you'll win . An 8yo won't let themselves get cold enough to do any harm that coming inside and a warm drink won't sort out, it's not like a baby or toddler.

Mind you, if you take away the cardi argument then she will find a reason to argue about shoes, packed lunch, hair, whether black is actually white.....

'I am always sanctioning... in an effort to curb this type of behaviour. She is very dominant and self assured and strong willed'.

It doesn't seem to be working, so I'd suggest it's time to look at other options. It sounds like you are both a bit controlling and assertive, if you ask me. Why are you making her wear a cardigan, if the school doesn't insist?

I don't do ultimatums with my DC, because I've backed myself into the corner too many times, and because I've seen that they don't work. I think you need to work out which battles are worth fighting and stick to them, and stop sweating the small stuff like wearing a cardigan.

I also think you have to look at how you are describing your DD. Assertive, dominant, strong-willed, bossy, devious, stubborn. I could say that some of those attributes are positive ones, but you are seeing them as negative.

You don't have to be a complete walk-over, but you do have to try and stop everything being a battle with her. It must be bloody exhausting.

You're right, it doesn't seem to be working very well. She is quite bossy. She copies what we say and applies it to her little sister. I hear phrases I use as a parent coming out of her mouth! It would be funny if it wasn't so bloody annoying. Her little sister is quite laid back and usually just goes along with it but it is pretty much dd1 in charge.

I was only insisting on the cardigan as it's so cold and windy here today. I like the suggestion of putting it in her bag and leaving it up to her. Then I'm not being rigid and she's got partial control.

She's always been hard work in that respect. She'd make a brilliant politician, she likes to argue her point. She would argue black was white before she gave in. I just don't want her to push the boundaries. Her school is very liberal and likes to encourage children to be confident and assertive but I want her to remember that sometimes you need to respect the other persons opinion and just because it's coming from a parent doesn't automatically mean it needs to be challenged!

It's great that she's assertive and knows her own mind. I'd put that to work and get her to suggest solutions. Don't frame it as 'I know best', but 'This is why I think you do x', and then listen to her with a willingness to be convinced.

You have to let kids win some arguments, so that they know how to resolve conflicts.

In this case, 'I know you don't want a cardigan, but I'd feel better knowing you have it with you, in case you are cold later', will probably work better than 'because I said so'.

Actually, you've just reminded me of this article, that I wrote with my daughter. 5 Things Kids Wish their Parents Would Do. 2 of my DD's suggestions fit your discussion with your DD!

btw, it sounds very much like our house - my DD is the bossy one, and DS is the laid back one. I hear her tell him off, in my voice!

DS1 scolds DS2 all the time

"NO DS2, you very naughty. I take that away from you."
"WAAAHHHHHHH"
"No DS2, it not for you. I hide it now."
"WAAAHHHHHHH"

There's only 13 months between them, I don't know how he became DS2's 3rd parent!!

"I've had a think DD, and I decided that you are old enough to decide if you want to be cold or not. From now on, I am going to put your cardi in your bag and it is up to you whether you wear it or not. If you think that's an okay compromise, then you can go on the sports trip. Does that sound reasonable?"

And watch the smirk creep across her face. Stick to your guns - then next week say the above. Win win.

Well I did let her go in the end. We had a discussion and she agreed that she should take a cardigan or something warm to wear at school. I feel as though we are on good terms again.

Perhaps I do need to remember that she is growing up and entitled to her own opinion occasionally. Otherwise I'm going to get a shock when she turns teenage aren't I?

MmeLindor I definitely score at least two points on that list, I do insist on warm clothes and often resort to 'because I said so!' I may also be guilty of over-instruction a bit.

Well handled op

Cheers

Ha. I can only advise you to sort yourself out now cause my DD is now a teenager and its ... entertaining, shall we say!

Seeing her as an independent person with her own opinions is definitely a step in the right direction. It's tough, but I'm leaning. My DD is currently going through a woo phase, vegetarian, yoga and meditation, which is so NOT me!

Oh god that wouldn't be me either.