Does anxiety over the trivial spoil anyone else's joy in parenting?

[teacher54321]

Ds is three and awesome, hitting all milestones and a happy chap. Objectively I can see that he is doing great.

I however have found all aspects of parenting hideously stressful, and was on sertraline for PND for nearly two years. When he was a little baby it was eating and sleeping (used to have full on panic attacks if he didn't nap) and the current thing is potty training. All these completely normal parenting things cause me sleepless nights and massive stress. I hate being so powerless and not being able to MAKE him drink his drink or go for a wee...

I have come to the conclusion that Ds will be an only, but does anyone else feel like this? Everyone else I know seems to have this parenting gig nailed and I'm panicking about why Ds hasn't been for a wee since 8.30am.

ABSOLUTELY! This is exactly how I feel. In fact I could have written this.
I'm currently winding myself up that he is really naughty when objectively I know that he's just a normal lively toddler.
I don't think everyone else has got it nailed - in fact I dont know a single mum who doesn't have a 'thing' that they fret about.
I have been doing a course for mums with PND (second bout after DD arrived) and it's really helping. I'm much more relaxed with her (she is much more laid back which makes it easy). Could you speak to your health visitor about ways to manage anxiety.

Good luck.

I'm stressed out because I can't make DD (3 in August) go to sleep, or eat. I KNOW I'm being irrational about the sleep thing. I had terrible insomnia as a kid. DH still does. I know full well that you can't even make yourself go to sleep, let alone somebody else. But DAMN is it frustrating to sit by her bed and tell her "lie still and be quiet," repeatedly, for hours. I try not to tell her to "go to sleep", because she does not have conscious control over that.

Oh me! Wasn't diagnised with PND mainly because nobody ever asked but looking back can see I pribacky did/was. And used to similarly get myself in a right state if her nap was ten minutes shorter than yesterday. I'm more relaxed now but it definitely still way more anxious than I'd like to be and get really stressed about stuff. Not sure what the answer is though.

In my case, it's complicated by the fact that I am terrible at reading nonverbal cues about people's intentions. I honestly can't tell if she's moving around and talking in her bed because she doesn't understand that she won't get to sleep if she does that, or doesn't understand why that would be a bad thing if she didn't, or if she's doing it to deliberately defy me. I go back and forth between thinking it's one and thinking it's the other, but I'm just guessing.

Sorry loads of typos - on phone.

Yes teacher dd is 19 weeks and I feel very anxious most of the time. The main focus of my anxiety is sleep, especially napping and I totally get the panicking if naps are missed. I have spent months agonising over DD's short naps because I read somewhere that anything under an hour 'doesn't count' even though she seemed perfectly happy and healthy on her 35 min power naps. It's exhausting constantly worrying isn't it? I recognised that my anxiety was out of proportion and recently asked my hv for help. She has referred me for CBT counselling which I hope will help me put things in perspective and deal with them better. I feel for my poor DH who is so supportive but constantly has to reassure me that we have a happy, healthy baby who is doing just fine.

I, like you, am not sure whether I would cope with another because of these feelings but I am one of three and I would love DD to have a sibling.

As far as everyone else seemingly doing well, there are almost certainly people looking at you thinking the exact same thing. I constantly have to remind myself that comparing is pointless but I know it's so hard not to.

for you.

Nemo great to hear you found a course that worked for you. I'm inspired by you taking positive steps to overcome your anxiety. I hope I will start to relax and enjoy DD more soon as it's all flying by too fast.

This is so reassuring!

I get terribly anxious at every transition point. So potty training has thrown up a whole load of issues-he won't go in public loos because of the hand dryers and currently will not go for a wee outside the house (unless he is at nursery) so I have no idea how we are ever going to go and DO anything ever again. Objectively I know this is a phase and we've only been potty training less than a fortnight, but it doesn't stop the worrying.

Hi
I completely understand. I get terrible anxiety and I'm having counselling so it doesn't affect the DCs (7&10).

I just wanted to offer reassurance on the hand drier thing. Both mine hated the things, and ds would become hysterical if he was near one. With time, and patience (and accepting I'd need to carry tissues for a while to avoid using them) they both got over it and now don't even notice them.

I always try to remember my mantra (I think it's a maya Angelou quote) - you do the best you can with what you know, and when you know more you'll do better. So I accept that I'm always doing my best - it may not be the best possible, but it's the best I can do. And I try to be kind to myself- while getting help to ensure I'm not passing on anxiety.

I was a little anxious with all my little babies due to previous infertility issues and worrying about cot death. However my anxiousness eased once they reached 6 months. I also made a decision to be a chilled parent unless the issue was a biggie (serious illness etc). I'm very patient, reflective and child centred though. Potty training was done when the toddlers were ready and it was easy/quick, I've always just fed my kids adult meals and never worried about calorific intake, have also generally try to ensure kids have lots of sleep

This is interesting. I'd never really thought about it much but I can sometimes spend hours googling autism signs and symptoms. Rationally I know she's meeting every milestone fine and there's no obvious concerns. But a tiny little thing can set me off and I'll spend days on Google. It's better since I've returned to work but a lot of my mat leave was spent doing this. I'd sort of assumed it's normal behaviour; it probably isn't, is it?

Yes to some extent I did. Partly it's a control thing as all around you appears to be chaos. They dont have patterns, or easy to see ones anyway for a long time. Making things easier for yourself by not planning to do housework or something specific to do when they nap (in case they don't, or not the the time that would be helpful) is a much better idea. You have to go with the flow an awful lot and just fit in tiny bits of other stuff around them. In some ways it's better than the older stages where routines mean you cant go out in the evenings or drive long distances/go on holiday whilst they are asleep! We managed to get to Italy whout our DD actually noticing when she was 7 months old and we didnt need to take anything with us except a few clothes - we haven't been away since though (she is now 4 and half years), as it's much harder to afford holidays due to cost of childcare once you go back to work, as well as harder logistically as they get older. Enjoy the odd freedom you have now with these unpredictable days! As they grow up and certainly by nursery/school age all this will be gone. Take lots of photos and revel in everything they do as it is all over far too soon!

Nobody has this parenting gig nailed. I have come to the conclusion that we are all just getting by. I find it helps to keep a diary or notebook. Look back on the things that you thought mattered and you realise they actually don't.

I agree with Gourd take lots of pictures because soon they grow up and suddenly you realise you did a pretty amazing job and they have turned out just fine.

Teacher - We waited till DD was about a month off 3 years, then tried potty training. She was "dry" after one day weeing on floor at home, then we went out for the day and she didn't wee at all, all day for about 10 hours till we were at home again! I was sooo worried! It was all because she just couldn't use public toilets. She managed to start weeing outdoors in park/in sea or on footpaths/bridleways (she'd look v uncomfirtable and we'd try going in toilets but she just couldn't let it out there so would let her wee outdoors instead). She didnt manage to use public loos for a week or two (never had any accidents either though, really odd, must have a really strong bladder!!). She was scared of dryer noise and the general noise and bustle too I think. She was fine at home but she had a child seat on the toilet at home too. It only lasted a few weeks though and she got past her fear of public toilets as long as we went in ones with no hand dryers -very old ones good as they tend to use paper towles in stead. M & S and Debenhams are good as they have family toilets so you just avoid using the dryer. The individual type you pay to use on sea-fronts are often ok too as you dont have to use the dryer. It did take months for her to not scream and run away when she heard a hand drier though. They are very loud for a child's ears, but I think they do get used to the noise eventually and will manage to put up with it long enough to allow them to use most public toilets! DD manages OK these days but will complain afterwards about the horrible noise.

Yep! On sertraline for it!!

Also on ADs, they definitely help!

I am dreading potty training - DS is 2.5yo and I'm in no hurry at all!

Naps are my nemesis - I totally believed that thing about 30 minute naps but in time DS did them longer on his own. All this re-settle business is bollocks - he napped longer on his own.

I was determined not to miss out on DDs babyhood like I did with DS - I am getting better at spotting when I'm getting into an anxious spiral and taking steps to stop the descent - taking deep breaths (a cliche but it actually works - in for 3 out for 6), CBT techniques like weighing up the evidence suggesting my fear is likely / unlikely, listening to relaxation recordings or, if all else fails, taking a diazepam!
It's not fool proof but I am getting there and it's not ruling my life any more.

Having said that I don't think I'll ever not be a worrier!

I've found some parts very anxiety-inducing, yes. Dd was very tiny when born, and I used to weigh her obsessively and worry massively about whether she was gaining enough weight.
There is an unusual rash she gets when under the weather, and I used to google this and worry obsessively until we found a dermatologist who could tell is what it was (she's fine).
Now she's three, I worry about her friendships (she's got friends, so I don't know why), and I will also worry hugely if she goes more than 24 hours without a poo!
I have been lucky, though, that I never suffered with pnd - my thoughts are with all of you struggling with it now.
Geeky, just to respond to what you said upthread, are you sure you need to insist your dd lies still and doesn't talk? I now tell my dd when I put her to bed, that she is welcome to lie and talk to/sing to her teddies until she falls asleep. Sometimes she does, but it never takes her long to drop off. I know it wouldn't work for all children -it's just a thought.

I also envy dh because he is such a naturally good parent. Ds adores him and they have a lovely relationship-without any of the constant 'has he wee'd enough/poo'd enough/eaten enough/drunk enough/slept enough etc' worrying that goes on in my head...

I am finding it easier now Ds can talk-communication makes things easier I think.

To an extent Teacher probably part of the reason your DH is able to relax and not worry about those things is because he knows you are on top of them. I may be wrong about your case but certainly my DH is also way more relaxed than me which is admittedly partly a personality thing but also because I think about things like naps, feeds etc and keep us on track he is able to relax and enjoy DD knowing it's taken care of. It's not a criticism of them and H has definitely come to understand that naps do matter to some degree thanks to some overtired instances! More what I am trying somewhat inelegantly to express is don't be too hard on yourself for not being as relaxed as your H. You're doing an important job and someone does need to keep a handle on things even if sometimes with not quite such a tight grip as you or I are prone to.

Geeky, just to respond to what you said upthread, are you sure you need to insist your dd lies still and doesn't talk? I now tell my dd when I put her to bed, that she is welcome to lie and talk to/sing to her teddies until she falls asleep. Sometimes she does, but it never takes her long to drop off. I know it wouldn't work for all children -it's just a thought.

The problem is, if I leave the room, she screams for me. I can't leave the room until she falls asleep. Sometimes this is after 11pm if I let her talk and sing in bed. I'd LOVE to get her to lie in bed and talk or sing quietly without me in the room. But if I don't stay in the room with her, she either screams for me, or gets out of bed. Either way, she doesn't go to sleep until I'm back there with her.

Oh geeky that must be so tough! Thinking of you.
My dd used to be a bit similar, and I used to think, roll on the time when she can read a book or something!

Absolutely agree with Penguin - my DH is less bothered about naps and food because I take charge of it. Like Penguin said - this isn't a criticism.

I think it doesn't help either that when you do tell people how anxious you are, a lot of people say 'oh I'm really anxious too, I'm a mother! Of course you're anxious, you have to be!' When really most the issues described above are clearly life affecting and much more serious than worrying a bit about your child, which is normal. So some parents don't seek help because they feel they should feel like this, it's part of parenthood. If you're looking at a healthy happy child and seeing a potentially ill or behaviourally abnormal one then it's a problem.

The hardest thing for me has been anxiety over Dds speech delay & the feeling i was alone in this, carrying the responsibility of speech sessions & the daily work by myself so it was my fault if she didn't progress or has later related literacy problems. This was hard work for over 2 years with every waking moment with her devoted to it (didnt get to do much on reading/maths etc as it was more important that she could talk). Thankfully all the work has paid off but it has been a long journey & mentaly extremely tiring as every thing you say or she says must count so you start to go mad & cant have relaxed normal conversation. I also havent spoken to my husband whilst Dd has been awake/in the room for over 2 years. We are only just beginning to tell her to allow us to communicate on important issues or arrangements without her butting in or talking over us because we waited so long to hear her voice & then had constant work to do on every sound/word/phrase/sentance she said that we have never ever told her to be quiet till very recently (shes now 4 and half). The upside is we now have a very confident, very chatty child with an amazing vocabulary for her age. It wasworth it but the long years of constant vigilance, and constant work on speech were extremely tiring and very anxious years for me. I wish husband couldve been more involved so it hadn't been all on my shoulders but i only work 4 days a week, so it had to be me at all the speech sessions & therefore taking on the work. I think dividing responsibility for these significant things in your childs life, even including bedtime routines, taking baby to weigh-ins etc is better as it can make you even more anxious if you are soley responsible.