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Parenting

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Original poster

Is there any point saying 'no' to a 9mo (and if not, then when)?

20 replies

Plateofcrumbs · 27/04/2015 07:32

DS is 9mo and does the range of normal things that would be 'bad' behaviour in a older toddler - eg banging his cup gleefully on the table, pulling my hair, taking toys off other babies, etc.

Obviously I realise he is too young to understand and respond to 'no', but should I at least be using the word and trying to stop him doing the 'bad' things (taking the cup off him when he bangs it and so on)? Or at this age should I just let him have fun and ignore the idea of 'good' and 'bad' until he is older. In that case, when do you start?

Part of me thinks I should start now just to train myself, even if it makes no difference to DS.

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PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 27/04/2015 07:35

I'd say yes, there is. It will be sinking in by dint of repetition, even if it doesn't seem that way at the time.

I'd pick your boundaries though - go easy on the smaller offences or swap fragile items for ones he can't break. Snatching from other kids is a non-negotiable offence and he should definitely be stopped though, if only to soothe the feelings of the other parent!

Ilovenannyplum · 27/04/2015 07:40

Nothing helpful to add but watching with interest!
My DS is 8 months and I've started saying no when he's doing something that he shouldn't be, obviously he doesn't know he shouldn't be trying to play with door hinges etc and its obviously not his fault. I'm just not sure if there is any point saying no when I move him away and distract him with a toy yet?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 27/04/2015 07:42

Tbh he is only doing things that are available to him. The hair he pulls because its there - when he does it either put him down or tie hair up. The watercup banging because it is fun - id just take the cup away or let him bang if we are alone. The toy, he just wants it. He doesnt have the capability to think "someone else has that so I cant" - take the toy back and give him a different one and return the toy to its owner.

Whether you say No while doing these things is up to you but he will understand the action more than the word at this age.

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Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 27/04/2015 07:56

I do mean 'no' in the broader sense rather than just the word - eg do I intervene to stop him or just let him do it? Obviously I stop him doing stuff that is dangerous or annoying to other people. I'm wondering whether there is value in being consistent though - for instance I tend to let him bang his cup when we're home alone (or sometimes actively encourage him by using my cutlery as percussion ).

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Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 27/04/2015 08:03

But I get what you're saying thinkivebeenhacked of course he is just doing these things as part of exploring the world and has no sense of 'misbehaviour'. Hence wondering if I should let him just explore (yes, banging your cup on the table does make a great sound!)

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peggyundercrackers · 27/04/2015 08:07

of course its worthwhile saying no at that age, they do understand and learn. I think more people need to say no to their kids and stop them doing things more often instead of letting them run riot and do what they want and being little brats.

CakeMakesMeHappy · 27/04/2015 08:14

Plateofcrumbs he sounds just like my DD. She seems to think the main purpose of her cup is to make music, followed by providing showering facilities! My first 'No' of the day was 'no don't lick the bin' followed by moving her to another room.

Pippidoeswhatshewants · 27/04/2015 08:15

It is not too early, but I would say pick your battles and be consistent. There is nothing I hate more than people telling their dc 'no, that is naughty, you adorable little angel' with a big smile on their face. Useless!

Original poster

Plateofcrumbs · 27/04/2015 08:21

Ah yes, tip the sippy cup upside down until a large puddle of water has been created then splash about until the floor is equally awash. It's a valuable new sensory experience.

Or dropping food deliberately on the floor - he's simply reinforcing his understanding of object permanence.

And then before you know where you are I've got a three year old causing carnage whilst I just watch on, is this how it works?

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PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 27/04/2015 08:28

DH often tells me from a safe distance that DS1 is exploring the concept of boundaries and will surely go far in life. I just want him to stop fucking doing what he's doing after I have told him 67 times not to and explained why in my best performance parenting voice.

'NO' and removal from the area work well at 9mo - or at least, they work slightly better than everything else.

CakeMakesMeHappy · 27/04/2015 08:41

It's the tears when you take away that tasty piece of paper/bug/shoe they just had to eat..??

lexyloub · 27/04/2015 08:53

Yes I'd keep saying no at this stage he's not likely to stop doing whatever he's doing but more of a long process as he develops he'll understand what it means. Although even when they understand what No means doesn't necessarily mean they'll stop doing it then either ha ha the joys of children

YouCanButImNot · 27/04/2015 09:55

I've started saying no to my 10 month old every time she bites me when I'm feeding..... She thinks it's hilarious, shakes her head in response and laughs. I'm doomed!

BathshebaDarkstone · 27/04/2015 09:57

I started at 8 months with all mine.

BathshebaDarkstone · 27/04/2015 10:02

The biting when feeding, I took him off, put him back on and repeated every time he did it. Bite me, no food.

TheMagnificientFour · 27/04/2015 10:08

A 9 months old is pperfectly able to understand what 'No' means! Don't under estimate the capacity for understanding from your child. He/she is very clever already :)

You will have to decide for yourself what you are happy with, now and in the long term. There are lots of things that I didn't let my dcs do when they were little because I just didn't want them to do it when they were older. And the idea of having to fight for them to stop X behaviour was just a NO-No for me.
So playing with the water from the cup whilst in their high chair was a NO. But playing with the water in the bath, in a bassin in the garden etc was a YES.
Throwing food on the floor was a NO but throwing stomnes in the river was a YES. etc...
Interrestingly, I let them feed themselves right from the start, even if it was messy whereas some of my friends refused to copewith the resulting mess so fed them for a long time.

TheMagnificientFour · 27/04/2015 10:10

Fwiw, when dc2 was about that age, he bit me when breasfeeding. Ver normal behaviour from a child who was starting to have his bottom teeth and hadn't realised what it meant.
The first time, I shouted (from the pain). Following time, I said No when he started using his bottom teeth to nip. I can promise you he knew what I meant.

HazyShadeOfWinter · 27/04/2015 10:26

Definitely worth saying no and removing/distracting on behaviours you don't want him to do, but I don't think it follows that if he bangs cup now he will do so at 3yo.

DS1 would often bang cup, splash water, drop food. At 9mo I let him; subject to having time and wherewithal to clean up. Sometime after his first birthday (I forget when, sorry, but before 2) I began to stop him and reinforce good table manners, often explaining that big boys don't do x, y, z. Now at 3yo he knows not to drop food, bang his cup etc and there was never any big fight just a gradual introduction of age appropriate boundaries. Similarly he used to eat with his fingers; now he uses cutlery. It's just development.

I realise the table thing is just an example, but I guess I'm saying don't get too hung now up on the behaviour you will expect at 12, 18, 24mo. Some things like hitting and grabbing which I do think should be stopped even when they are too young to be doing it maliciously, other things can be allowed now and then stopped as they are older.

AngryBeaver · 27/04/2015 10:30

I say "no!" To my dd, 11 months. See times accompanied with a shake of the head, or wag of the finger and a "uh uh". She now looks at me before she does something "naughty" and shakes her head and tries to make the uh uh, sound.
She often still does whatever she was going to do...with glee! But, no harm in starting off with guidelines now.
I've always started early with mine, and they all are pretty well behaved.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 27/04/2015 10:31

You will have to decide for yourself what you are happy with, now and in the long term. There are lots of things that I didn't let my dcs do when they were little because I just didn't want them to do it when they were older.

This x 1000!

I have been relatively harsh from their infancy, not because I am a right bitch not entirely but because I honestly think that they will be happier if the rule remains constant rather than shifting as they get older. A child who is allowed to belch loudly one day and is then scolded ferociously for it the next (e.g.) is entitled to be a bit and think the world is massively unfair IMO.

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