Division of labour

[Vijac]

If you have two children under 5 (I have 3 and 4 months) and your husband works long hours then how much housework/parenting does he do?

Mine is often away abroad and when he is home is is very tired so needs additional time to sleep. As such, though he's brilliant in helping me once recovered, I never ask him to help out with chores aside from not just leaving everything dropped on the floor (I'm not his mother/maid, after all, he's more than old enough to pick up after himself). He works the long hours so I do the long hours at home. However, if he were home more etc I would ask him to help a little more where necessary.

My dp and I have equal down time. E.g if I'm putting the baby to bed he's washing up. This evening he was bathing her whilst I cooked dinner and we're now sitting on the sofa together!

What do you mean by long hours?

DP works what I think are fairly long hours...out of the door by half six back anytime from 7.30 (on a good day) to 10 -11pm.

Sometimes when he gets home the DCs are all in bed, the house is tidy and dinner is ready. Often when he gets back the place is a mess, there are a few random strays that need to be put back to bed and dinner needs cooking. He mucks in with what ever is going on tbh. Today we have both done housework and looked after the DCs, half and half.

Well if he works five days a week then his two days off you should both be as equally busy as one another. We have a lie in each at the weekend, and then both adopt a "power through the day til kids bedtime" approach with our 3yo and 6mo.

Weekdays what time is he usually home?

Ok, so my dh leaves the house at 6am and returns at 6.30pm. We have a cleaner who does 3hours a week including ironing his shirts. He does his washing. And after dinner he spends the hour and half playing with the 3 year old. In the garden, games or watching tv etc. I pretty much always have the baby during the week.

I do all the meals, everyone else's washing. All the buying of toys, clothes, putting away, getting dressed, packing for hols, changing sheets, tidying etc. is me. I don't think he'd know which drawer to find tights or a baby grow for baby. I do all the cooking and shopping. Don't think he's cooked a proper evening meal for years. He does the finances and bills. I quite often end up doing bathtime and bedtime, I quite enjoy this. I am breast feeding. 4 times a week he does 10mins of washing up/tidying in the evening. At the weekend, I get a lie in and then we do stuff as a family. He is an early riser but sometimes goes to the gym or for a nap later in the day. I get a bit frustrated as I feel like my off time or even looking after kids time, I spend filling with washing etc, whereas he just relaxes and plays. By sun night it's usually a bit messy. I am breast feeding which makes time by myself tricky. Do you think this sounds normal and fair. If there is a normal.

It sounds like he does a fair share, though Id expect him to be a bit more hands on woth the baby, but it sounds like you need to stop filling your time with house/kid stuff and take a bit of time for you.

Thanks I've been hacked. Yes, he is very decisive and plans a lot whereas I'm more impulsive. I think this dynamic stops me from saying 'I think I'll go to the gym for an hour' as he'd expect a weeks notice iyswim.

Does he give you a week's notice when he goes to the gym?

Hmmm good point. I'm not really sure. I will look out for it and do the same myself!

Cant you just say something like "righ the kids are bathed, im off for a soak, you can do bedtime"?

Well the problem is the feeding as I'm feeding to sleep. By the time babies asleep, he's just about to go to bed. So if I went to gym late then if baby woke up I wouldn't be there.

But he'd be there.

Unless you maintain 24 hour vigils at your baby's bedside, it's pretty standard for a parent to be in bed while their baby sleeps.

Yes I guess that is true. It's just that she does wake still and I always do the nights as he gets really tired and grumpy if he doesn't get enough sleep. Plus i tend to feed back to sleep, which he can't do. I know, I'm making a rod for my eon back aren't i!

It sounds more like he's making a rod for your back if you can't ever go anywhere because he gets grumpy if he has to do normal parenting things occasionally.

I'd be rubbing my hands together with glee and planning all sorts if DH was home at 6.30 every night. There is an exercise class locally that is on a Tuesday evening and another on a Thursday, then there would be the odd drinks with friends.

I certainly wouldn't be working away while he floated about. Occasionally DH works from home and is out of his 'office' buy 6 or so, we both sit down at the same time once all the jobs are done.

Hubby usually leaves house at 8am and home for 6. I'm on maternity leave just now (3 month old and 2.5 year old).
I usually do a washing a day, do most of the cleaning and all the cooking ( except a Friday when hubby puts a pizza on).
He's very hands on with the girls. We take it in turns to put them down to bed so he will sort one while I sort the other and then we swap the next night so we get one on one time with each.
He does the late feed with the baby (11ish) and I get up during the night with her. We each get a lie in at the weekend.
He's responsible for the garden and the bins. I'm a clean as you go person whereas he won't clean for ages but then go nuts one day and spend three hours blasting the house.

When I go back to work I'll probably still be responsible for most of the house work tbh as he doesn't get hoovering or bathroom cleaning.

Your division of labour sounds very similar to mine. The big difference for me is that between 8.30 and 11.30 every day both my children are at preschool. I still have to make a HUGE effort to use at least some of this time to do my own thing (go to they gym or crack on with a course I am doing), rather than just do more jobs around the house. Housework/cleaning/childcare have no end, so it's up to you to carve out your own time. Could you get a little bit of childcare one or two mornings a week and resolve to just do something for yourself in that time?
Our weekends sound similar (rather a trashed house by the end of it, and I am cleaning up on Monday morning). I like having the family time though and do not want to rush off the minute DH is around. If I am feeling overloaded or hard done by I will ask DH to do a specific task and he will normally jump to it. He is much less familiar with the children and house routine so needs to be steered to jobs rather than just have me grumping about that I have too much to do.

We have a cleaner. DH washes up/loads the dishwasher, cleans up after himself (he came very well trained, never leaves skid marks on the loo or dirty undies on the floor), sticks on the washing when it needs doing.

In terms of parenting, when he's here we mostly split it 50-50.

We have a cleaner. DH washes up/loads the dishwasher, cleans up after himself (he came very well trained, never leaves skid marks on the loo or dirty undies on the floor), sticks on the washing when it needs doing.

In terms of parenting, when he's here we mostly split it 50-50.

I think in just need to take control of my own destiny more. It is hard as I tend to be more if an on a whim type but as I'm with him I just need to be planned and assertive. He doesn't like surprises, but will plan in if I've told him. I just wish he hopped up more to help when I'm doing stuff like make the table if I'm making dinner and stuff. Then we could do it together and it'd be more fun.

DH out from 7-6.30, I'm on Mat leave with 10 month old. I keep the basic chores of washing and dishes and light (very light!) cleaning going in the day (load machines and dishes as he eats in the highchair and do anything bigger when he's down for his naps). When DH gets home he does bath and bed and I tend to cook because I like to cook and find it relaxing, winding down with some wine and music! Any other big chores get done together at the weekend, passing DS between us. And DH is on night duty at the weekend which is a massive help. I don't see the point in leaving housework for him to do late on when I can get bits done and we can do it at the weekend, but I have low standards when I return to work part time though this may have to be changed a bit. He irons his own shirts though! I don't iron anything.

I work 4 days DH does 5 so when i'm at home with Dd on that day i do housework but the point if the day is to spend time with Dd so it is hard to fit everything in. Dh does all laundry & most shopping tho i usually do some on my day off with DD. I do all cooking. Dishwasher does washing up! The only thing which is not quite equal is responsibility for DD. It is always my responsibility to pack her lunch, spare clothes or suitcase & travel bag with crayons/books etc if we go away, make sure her passport is in the bag, swimming bag packed with sticker chart, towel & costume & supply of hair bobbles for swimming in the bag etc. I did the primary school application. DH Referring to her as "your daughter" even though jokingly also makes me feel a bit sad. I find this more of an issue than any other division of labour. Its not really "labour" more a responsibility thing.

In this house I end up doing everything even on days off. It's slowly starti to make me resent him. I Get no time to do anything other than house and kids. My only saving grace at the moment is the fact that in 11weeks I go away for 5 days on my own. I'm Going to sit in the sun with my large drink with a freaking huge smile on my face because he'll be on his own with 5 kids 2 of which he's never had to deal with before.