Does this sound like too much....?

[Brewster]

I have a 6 year old and a 3 year old and am 20 weeks pregnant.

I am a stay at home mum but I also work from home for my husbands company which is all internet based and takes up about 4 hours a week but I feel it is always hanging over my head as another of my jobs/roles to play.

I pay all the bills, organise all activities, do all the cleaning, bed changing, cooking, shopping, dog walking, vets , medications etc. most household decisions are mine, all discipline is mine to decide, ...pretty muchly anything that is not to do with being the main breadwinner is my role.

I am feeling very hemmed in, i have no option but to do all these jobs and be there fore everyone 24/7.

My husband does do school drop off in the mornings and is home by about 6.30 most nights but plays 2nd fiddle to me always.

He has never taken the kids anywhere by himself.

Even if i wanted to go out to work scant as i couldn't put the kids in full time care/after school clubs etc.

I have no interests outside the kids and house and i am now at a point where i feel i am going crazy.

It could of course be the pregnancy hormones pushing me over the edge but before i got pregnant i only had a year left and then i could go be me and do something for myself as then my little one would be off to school....now it will be another 5 years as the new baby will need looking after.

I am at the end of my tether and feel i have no options....

I do really understand that feeling of carrying the whole weight of the world alone on your shoulders - it does get overwhelming. The feeling that you just exist to facilitate other people's lives, rather than to have your own life, does nothing for your own sense of self/happiness.

In my case what helped was that I got a job, after nearly a decade as a SAHM. I think I would have completely cracked if I hadn't. I realise that's not an option for you now - but pursue voluntary work, be selfish about it, because selfishness is necessary sometimes. Your DH will cope. You need to regain that sense of your own value, something unconnected to DCs and the house.

who is going to have the baby while i am off scubaing?

i don't really have friends that i am close enough to to share all this with.

Littlefish of course i am refusing to consider all the options cos i have been through all these options in my own head many many times and that is why i feel so trapped.

Could you afford to hire a p/t nanny to be around the home and help you? So you are still with your children, you just have some help? She (or he) could be doing an activity with them while you are working, you could get things done faster and they get to do something they enjoy?

Up thread you said about your husbands business; He is very successful at it . Should that not say 'We are very successful at it?'

Thank you Hassled - that is exactly it but how can i be selfish if there is no one else to have the kids in the day?

how can i do the volunteering with animals if they want you regular hours every week?

But if you feel so trapped and unhappy then do something about it.

The options lots of us are suggesting are entirely possible, but you are so overwhelmed with your current situation that you can't see that they are possible.

Please go and see your gp and talk it through with them.

Big - although i know i am an essential part of the company and he has actually recently made me a shareholder i do not see it as anything to do with me.
I kinda see it as doing him a favour.
He made it, he built it, he is the one that has the meetings with clients. i am just on the end of a computer sitting at the kitchen table!

when i consider a childminder/nanny, or cleaner or whatever it seems like a silly luxury and then i feel i am being selfish and lazy so....

what would a gp do ? seriously?

if i am against anyone aside from family looking after the baby until a year old then the options are not viable i am afraid,

i can't put my need for 'something' over the needs of my family...even when rationally i see that if i was happier then life at home would be easier.

i just can't see a way to get the kids looked after in a way i would be happy with....and for what activity for me to go do anyway?

as far as i know if you hire a nanny you have to employ them like you would for a job so they get sick pay, maternity pay, they end up costing an absolute fortune...

Oh Brewster - a childminder/nanny/cleaner is absolutely not a silly luxury. Nor would you be being selfish or lazy if you employed one.

You have already said that you have health concerns, and you are pregnant.

What will happen when you become really ill because of the stress of holding everything together.

The work you do at home for your family enables your dh to spend time running his business. You are NOT doing him a favour. He has only "made it, built it" and is able to have meetings with clients because you do everything else.

These are your insecurities. I really think you would benefit from talking it through with a GP and asking to be referred to a counsellor.

i have a private therapist i sometimes see - been a while but have an appointment in may to go see her.

there is just no activity i could do that would justify that expenditure of money.

i get my few hours in the week when i have time alone and i can't really ask for more than that can i.
there is just nothing ' meaningful' for me to fill it with

I don't know what I can say to you to convince you that using a childminder sometimes or employing some part-time help is not selfish - but really, it isn't. Your DCs will be fine, and you will be happier for some time to yourself.

Hassled - but what will i do with that time?

i don't want to just shop, or have read over a coffee or whatever.

i want to feel like i DID something

I'm sorry to be harsh but you have lots of options that people have suggested,you are just refusing to accept any of these as they do done fit as ideal for you and it sounds like you are harbouring lots of guilt and a need to do everything perfectly yourself. If you think you are depressed then an appointment with your gp is the first step, they could advise anti depressants ( if appropriate) or sign post you onto a primary mental health team for talking therapy which might give you time for you?

Find a volunteer centre. There's loads you could do - it doesn't have to be the animals/every day thing. You can find something that's a couple of hours a week or evenings or whatever. And it's good long-term, too - the job I eventually got after my SAHMdom was entirely the result of knowledge gained and contacts made while volunteering.

OK, nanny was probably the wrong word. Mothers help would probably be more like it, you in charge but having some help, relaxed arrangement agreed number of hours paid per week (there is nothing wrong in needing help, you are not super woman).

i can't put my need for 'something' over the needs of my family...even when rationally i see that if i was happier then life at home would be easier. Yes you can, I sincerely wish that my mother had done, we would all have had a much happier childhood if she had. Instead she became very bitter and unhappy.

Lastly, never ever undervalue yourself. Ever. What you are doing for your DH is not a favor. Value your worth and command the money and respect that you deserve, for no other reason than to be a fine role model for your children!

Do your thing that you want to do (scuba diving/animal care/whatever) on a Saturday when your dh is home to look after the children.

Yes, I and others suggested looking into childcare for your baby after maternity leave, not the moment it was born.

So using pt childcare from a year would enable you to work in peace/have some time for yourself.

I'm a bit confused by your maxim about only family being suitable to look after a baby under a year. So would any old family member be better than a trained, qualified and caring nursery worker or child minder? Really?

You're in a tiring and daunting position - pregnant with number 3 is never going to be a walk in the park, but you're creating some of your own 'traps' and shutting off your options with your dogmatic and irrational maxims.

Do you think you might be depressed? Depression isn't just about feeling sad - it's about feeling helpless and hopeless about the future, a lack of self-worth or self-belief and not feeling able to cope with the stresses of everyday life.