Help! literally having nightmares about leaving pfb

[Mrsmumb]

Im due to go on a hen do in 6 weeks time and I'm already having nightmares about it. DS is breastfed but will be a little weaned by then and also will take a bottle. He will be with DH, but he is obviously very attached to me currently, we co sleep and I have a tendency to take over when he cries. I am making a real effort to leave dh to it and plan to have a few practice evenings out beforehand but im tempted to cancel just so I dont have the anxiety over the next few weeks.
I think one of the big issues is that we are going about 40miles away and the bus home isnt booked til 2am. Am I bonkers for even thinking I can do this? ?
How/When did everyone leave their first born for the first time??

You don't say how old your DS is, but I'm guessing 5-6 months FM your weaning comment. I think it is hard, but probably worth making the effort at this stage. Let your DH get more involved, have some practise sessions. Even if you end up backing out of this particular event, hopefully you and your DH will feel more confident in future.

Of course you can do it, your ds will be with his Dad although no one can do it better than us Mums (fact) he's with the next best thing. They will both be fine. Get your glad rags on and your dancing shoes on and enjoy being you again instead of being Mum and look forward to the hugs and smiles the day after.

Do you want to do it but you are stressed? it will be ok.

Or do you want us to say it's ok not to want to (it is ok).

^^what Penguins said

I think this one really depends on individuals.

With both of mine I've solely breastfed and coslept. Nights tend to fall to me because DH is hopeless for various reasons. I really haven't felt comfortable or happy to leave them until they are not breastfeeding anymore and are sleeping through the night in their own room (about 18mo with DD, still waiting with DS!). This means I'm restricted about going away for the night and being out around bedtime (as need to settle baby to bed). But tbh, I really don't have much of a social life begrudge it and just view this as a short period in my life where I can't do certain things because of having little children.

Other people would think I'm totally crazy and feel really resentful if they were restricted in this way. Nothing wrong with that and if that's the case for you, then of course you and your DH can work together to make it possible. Loads of people do it, so of course it's possible.

Another sleepless night for me with it playing on my mind. If I could be home for 12/1 I could deal with ds only napping in dh arms up til then and then going to sleep properly with me for the night but the thought of him crying til the v early hours (even though he probably wouldn't) really bothers me, dh says it will be fine etc.
So my current plan is to get the last train home which mean id get home at 12:15ish and that feels much more acceptable, ds & dh having a rubbish couple of hours than a whole night

Imo your anxiety about this is disproportionate.

It really shouldn't be keeping you up at night.

Have you spoken to your hv about your anxiety?

It can be a sign of pnd and you are better off being aware of that asap.

It sounds like it will be a good opportunity for ds and dp to bond. Encourage this. It's a good thing.

The only thing you should be worrying about re a hen night is what you'll wear!

I think you are doing both your DS and DH a disservice to assume that they will have a rubbish time. If you could try and turn your thinking round so that you assume they are going to have a lovely time...but make some plans just in case...that would be great. At the moment it feels like you are setting everyone up to fail.

However I think that having a Plan B (catching the train) gives you options on the night and is a really good idea. That way you can play it by ear, see how you are feeling and maybe call DH at 11:30ish before making the decision whether to leave or stay.

I breastfeed and Co sleep.

I agree with PP that there are practical challenges with this re going out BUT to me this sounds like anxiety.
You baby SHOULD be able to be left with their other parent. It's really important for the whole family.

I give my dd to my dh when I'm in the house with expressed milk and/or baby food ... and I'm a massive pfb hippy breastfeeding mum! Because greater than my "oh he might not give her the right squeaky toy or make her cheesy toast right" angst is the worry that like many generations ago, she will have one parent and one 'person who comes in at 6 pm called dad' iyswim.
I hate those memes that suggest mums "should" do everything and give up things (the last one I saw said washing and haircuts! Yeah cause being smelly is great parenting).

Even the most ardent attachment parenting advocate will agree that BOTH parents need that role - not just one and the other brings home the bacon but is distant.

So I would say go for it.
You're not causing any risk to your child. You're leaving them with their parent.

OP -a lot of your anxiety seems to be around the distance. Would a trial run where you go round the corner to a friend help?

Whilst I agree that eventually you need to adjust to leaving babies, both mother and baby are ready at different times. I would still find missing bedtime hard, but skipped off during the day from when DS was a couple of months. DD2, all hell would break loose. She was at least one before leaving wasn't a challenge to endure. If you aren't ready yet then that is ok.

...and although controversial I think the "I must look after the baby cause I Co sleep and breast feed" attitude can be slightly possessive and unhealthy. I do both these and the vast majority of day to day child care so am NOT against this lifestyle but wary of some thoughts that we see from FB comments etc.
-The baby is both parents' - in terms of love and practical care baby deserves both. That is both practically and emotionally more for them.
-In some cases it can cause distance between couples (indeed dr sears website advocates getting a trusted babysitter and both going out together! Yes on the main go-to expert's site!!).
-Tge idea that a woman is a wise martyr giving up a few years because no one else can do it ... ... well yes for the 1st 6 months if breastfeeding there's ONE job only mum can do. Then so long as dad isn't drunk or smoking, he can Co sleep, and expressed milk/solids can be given - and he can/should be encouraged to give parental comfort.

It can also become a vicious cycle if you're prone to anxiety.
I have anxiety and agree with PP this sounds like what it could be ... and from experience biting the bullet and doing it could well be enormously freeing. (Similar fear ... i was scared baby would die/be harmed in a big bustling city. I forced myself to take her in my sling to central London. It was fine. Now we are out and about so much more!).

Oh big hugs. I couldn't and didn't leave mine at that age. I managed to find a good excuse for the one overnight thing I was meant to be at.
I breastfed and co-slept and although by six months my husband could happily spend about six hours with my pfb during the day, night time was just not an option.
I'd be on the 12:15 train home too!
It's bizarre to say it's possessive and unhealthy. We were all really happy. It worked well for us. I never felt a martyr at all. And my husband was not excluded from caring for the pfb. We look back with great fondness to those early days.

TheBoov she is awake all night Catastophising about her baby screaming all night until she returns though rationally knows it won't happen.

That's not a lovely cuddly choice.
That's anxiety.
That's becoming fixated that your child is in anguish without you.

This isn't so much a question about "did you like going out in the evening." ... its anxiety as PP have said.

And the social norms are such that women can get really quite bad with it and be lauded as good examples (a bit like dieting and slimness) with no one looking at why ... is:
-she genuinely happy not to go out (fwiw I've been out once - to a parenting meeting because I am not into big nights out)
or
-is she terrified of leaving the child/distrustful of her Dp

...One is fine but the other is not healthy.
And it does set up a precedent for future family dynamic.

Sorry if I've missed it but how old is the child, OP?

My husband and ds have a fab bond he had 35 days pat leave and works part time & he does do a very equal share of parenting, can settle him, gives him a bottle etc ds definitely knows he has two parents, my anxiety is primarily about the distance and the time scale. I'm not doing my dh or ds a diservice by being anxious about that, being 40 miles away from my 6mo at 2-4am is not about thinking my dh can't do it its about feeling helpless if there was an issue and him being a pfb. That and dh is a massively heavy sleeper as in fire alarms and car crashes sleeping through. I was looking for reassurance that everyone felt anxious and how they dealt with it. That's it no underlying issues, dh dm and df all mental health nurses so id be made aware if there were any concerns. I am going to stick with my plan of getting the last train home. This also puts less pressure on the girls to be in that bus home whether they've had their kebab or not and drive back without a toilet break which is what id be demanding from 15 intoxicated women if I was to try and stay the distance!

erm im not up all night catastrophising?? I had a nightmare, very often things that play on my mind transpire in my dreams, I have dreams about OFSTED , one of my classes being uncontrollable and never getting my marking done despite being a very capable highly regarded teacher whom this has never happened to. Or when my mum broke her leg I dreamt her arms fell off, just how my mind works. This doesn't mean I am unhealthy or fixated. I am happy to go out just nervous about the distance and time of night as a bf cosleeping first time mum. Was after a bit of reassurance not a diagnosis

Sorry. Phrases like "another sleepless night" gave the impression of sleepless nights over it?
Also if you were having OFSTED dreams about a well behaved class, when it wasn't OFSTED I would say that's an anxiety dream. Not clinical anxiety, but certainly some degree of worry about something (I manage a large team of teachers, and these dreams do crop up - at times of stress and worry. But not everyone has them).

We can only go on the words and tone we see here OP and not just me but several people noticed a panicky tone and words stating you had not slept etc. What you said gave an utterly different impression - to several PP - to your tone and content in the last two.

So let's take these last 2 confident posts as the true reflection of what's going on. You're fine.

The year OFSTED were due was all we blinking heard about at work so it was on my mind and therefore transpiring in my dreams due to that. It was another sleepless night in that I was trying to come up with a solution to the issue, which I have so hopefully all will be fine. Maybe the language didn't explain everything properly but I guess when you're asking for advice on a problem you tend to focus on what the problems are rather than all the positive things as well.

OP - you did come across as fairly anxious and if people have suffered anxiety themselves they're bound to recognise the symptoms and be concerned for you, so don't take it too personally

Coming back to your original question. In my own experience it would be perfectly natural to be worried about this - as I said in my PP I would be so anxious about it that I know I wouldn't enjoy myself therefore have chosen not to go to things like that whilst my babies are still very dependent (I don't suffer from anxiety FWIW!)

Essentially, you need to be clear with yourself about how much you want to go. If you really genuinely want to go and truly and honestly don't want to miss it, then definitely go and just relax and know your DH will manage and it will be fine, even if not quite like how it is when you are. The first time is the hardest, but you will find it easier and easier and it'll give you more freedom to do these things in the future. BUT if in all honesty you really don't want to go and just don't want your friends to be annoyed/think you're lame, then you really shouldn't put pressure on yourself to go. This time with a baby is short and before you know it it'll be over and you will be resuming a more normal social life again.

Some really good points made on here about women falling into the "martyr trap", but equally many women are more than happy to make changes to their lives that may appear to others as a "martyr", but if it's their own happy choice then it's not really an issue. You shouldn't feel bad about changing your social life for your baby, if that's what works for you and you shouldn't feel pressured into going to something if your genuine feeling is you don't want to.

Hope that makes sense and doesn't offend anyone - none intended!!

Oh and yes - I'm sure your solution to come back early will work out fine. Enjoy!