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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

facts of life/sex - how old were your DC when you had the discussion?

28 replies

DarylDixonsDarlin · 25/04/2015 10:34

Just that really, please can you share with me how old your DC were when you had a discussion with them about sex, relationships, body changes/puberty and everything that goes with it?

Also helpful to know if they prompted it, or was it you as parents? Boy or girl, does this have any impact on the age at which the discussion happened? Did you use a book as a talking point, if so can you recommended one for me?

DS is nearly 9 and has been asking a few questions lately, about my sanpro and the durex lube he came across (hidden under my bed!). He started asking me questions again last night, but was kind of hiding under the pillow saying he didnt want to know about it because it was rude (the sanpro). We had a conversation a couple of weeks ago about no more babies in our family, he asked how did I know for sure and I said we have ways of making sure I don't get pregnant again - he loudly exclaimed oh yeah I know, you're going to eat one of those Durex things aren't you so I think we owe it to him to be honest about that, at least!

I don't know what his school's sex education policy is, have no idea if/when it will be mentioned at school, he's coming to the end of Yr4. My friend bought a book (usborne I think) which was suitable for 9+years for her DS, I liked it overall but it seemed to cover way more than I had planned to talk about with my DS .

DH thinks he knew by the age of about 8yo, some boys he was playing with told him. I had an awareness of periods by about 10yo, but I'm not sure I understood what sex actually was until I was in secondary school at 11yo.

DS and younger DD know that a baby is made by a seed from a man and an egg from a woman, and they know the baby grows in the uterus and then is either born through the vagina or c section (in my case). But they don't know how the egg and seed meet, and they didnt ask at the time she I had my last baby so there was no need for further explanations.

OP posts:

LittleMoaner · 25/04/2015 14:40

I can only give you my experience of these things as a child, because ds is only 14 months old - So obviously, I have not had to deal with these things as a parent yet.

I found out about periods when I was nine. It was actually my dad that talked to me about them. I had asked questions about them (I think I may have heard them mentioned on the telly). My mum thought I was too young to know, but my dad thought as I was asking, I deserved to be told.
Looking back I think it is really sweet that he did that

I learnt about sex in the last year of primary school (year 6). They taught us about sex and periods / body changes in the same lesson, but the boys and girls were separated for that.

My younger siblings have been taught these things in year 5. I don't know if the schools decide the age they want to teach these things, or if the national curriculum covers it at an earlier age now. My mum did have to sign a consent form though.

My niece is going to learn about sex and periods / body changes soon. She is in year 5. Her school are holding a meeting with the parents beforehand, to explain how they are going to be broaching it all.

HTH

LittleMoaner · 25/04/2015 14:48

FWIW, I would definitely answer any questions ds asked me directly when he is older.

My niece has asked my sil stuff, and she has just dodged the question / changed the subject. Sil is leaving it to the school to teach her. I definitely won't take this approach,

MrsAukerman · 25/04/2015 14:52

A friend has a book called "it's NOT the stork!" that she uses with her ds and dd who are 4+5. it's pretty factual and also covers issues pertaining to consent / safeguarding.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

10 year olds 8 year olds 9 year olds Families

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 25/04/2015 14:56

It's not one conversation - it's an ongoing open communication. Presumably he knows how babies are made and about the underwear rule?

meglet · 25/04/2015 15:00

First term of reception. So just turning 5yrs.

Didn't wait for questions. I don't think they'd learn much if I treated everything that way. Some information needs to be passed on.

Basic biology done first, now I just keep it topped up and am slowly adding other info as they grow up (currently 8 and 6).

textfan · 25/04/2015 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meglet · 25/04/2015 15:16

text yy, I followed the NSPCC 'P.A.N.T.S' rule.

addictedtosugar · 25/04/2015 15:16

I'm answering questions as they come from my 5 yr old (Y1).
So far we've had where babies grow, and where they come out from, but not how they get in!
And what "Mummy's nappy" is for.

Original poster

DarylDixonsDarlin · 25/04/2015 17:35

Right thanks for replies so far, useful.

Tondelayo when you say about how babies are made, he knows that the man has a seed and a woman has an egg and they join together to form a baby, but he doesn't know how the seed gets placed and he hasn't asked, yet.

We haven't done any underwear/PANTS rule/safeguarding stuff at all, some might consider that naive but we haven't felt it necessary, as my children have most definitely not been in any situation so far where issues could occur. Is this literally being taught to every child in the land? other parents I know well haven't been discussing it with their children. I see it mentioned often on mumsnet but in real life I find other families we know aren't actually doing it, and we cant be the only bunch of families in the country who aren't discussing it .

Yes I agree about it being an ongoing open discussion, everything all at once would be a bit crazy and too much to take in I think? I would just like to be a bit more prepared for the questions which I think will follow soon. And to check that we're explaining things factually and age appropriately to him.

OP posts:

slightlyinsane · 25/04/2015 18:53

Dd is 10 and after the conversation I've had this weekend it's time I stepp in and Filled in some gaps. I've got her a book called "what's happening to me" they do separate books for each sex. It's great loads of info without too much.

Original poster

DarylDixonsDarlin · 25/04/2015 19:02

Just realised while I was eating my tea the bit about not doing any underwear rule etc so far is badly worded by me - we have of course explained to them that their private parts are private, and should only be seen by someone else if they have a problem with them - eg Dr, nurse, parents, and if we're at home in the middle of getting dressed/bathed obviously we may see one another naked, in our own homes, that kind of thing. But we have never at any stage mentioned touching and they were told about things being private to encourage them to keep their clothes on, when we have visitors and at park/beach etc! Otherwise they'd happily be naked most of the time (not so much DS now, but when he was younger)

OP posts:

lavendersun · 25/04/2015 19:03

DD is nearly 9 too OP and frankly hasn't got a clue. We haven't had any 'safeguarding' chats either, nothing at all. My sister has always relied on childcare more than me and I know that she didn't do that either so you are not the only family not doing it.

I have bought a book, an Osborne one too - might be called Lets Talk or something like that, but I thought that it went too far for right now.

I don't have a plan tbh right now. It was a first year of secondary chat for me as a young person.

MirandaWest · 25/04/2015 19:08

My DC are 11 and 9. I think I started discussing sex in terms of making babies from about 5 or so. I talk about it every now and again and have recently bought them this and this which they seem to have enjoyed reading. I have more talked about emotional aspects of sex and the fact that it is an enjoyable activity in the past year or so, especially with DS who is 11. I think having discussed the mechanics of it at an earlier age I am finding it easier to talk about the emotional aspects now.

Moln · 25/04/2015 19:19

He was 9. He asked for the "real truth" so I spoke I got him a 'what's happening ti me' book and he read it, then I went through it with him. It covered sex, puberty (inc girls) hetro/homosexual attraction, masturbation. Lots about feelings.

He's 11 now and had 'The Talk' in school, covered what he knew again, included more about contraception. I followed it up yesterday with a brief chat about consent and respect. Kept it brief as he's not experiencing any feelings of attraction (as far as I know!) but when I know he is I shall talk more about it.

ds2 is 8, and whenever he asks I'll follow the same thing, he might be older than 9 or he might not.

Moln · 25/04/2015 19:22

Sorry should have said when ever they ask they get told I start with vague info and if they ask for more detail I tell them. If that makes sense.

Original poster

DarylDixonsDarlin · 25/04/2015 19:38

The what's happening to me book is the one I was thinking of getting, which my friend had also got, so I am pleased to see others have found it useful. I'll go ahead and order that one.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, its been very helpful reading through the replies

OP posts:

stubbornstains · 25/04/2015 19:49

oh yeah I know, you're going to eat one of those Durex things aren't you

(weeps with laughter).

DS is 5, but I am heavily pregnant, so the subject has very much come up.... After a couple of books, and repeat explanations, here was his take on it, as of last night:

"Seed grows in my balls doesn't it Mummy, and when I'm grown up it will shoot down my willy and into your fanny and meet an egg and make a baby".

"Erm, that's nearly all right DS, but I just have to pick you up on one little detail there..." .

I believe school have actually raised the subject of private bodily areas, after an epidemic of "I'll show you yours and you show me mine" in the loos....

DoTheDuckFace · 25/04/2015 19:50

I have spoken to ds about it when he was 8 after hearing him and his friends whispering about sex. Just the basics that I am hoping to build on. Going to talk a bit more on depth about puberty in the next couple of weeks, he is now almost 10.
Both ds and DD 7 know about periods and that's how we know we don't have a baby in our belly etc. They know where babies come out of. DD hasn't asked hoe they get in there yet but when she does I will be honest.

stubbornstains · 25/04/2015 19:50

"I'll show you yours and you show me mine"

Or...er...something like that

attheendoftheday · 25/04/2015 20:44

I ended up talking about this really young with dd1, do other kids not ask about these things? I explained periods in basic terms at about 2.5 after dd1 was in the bathroom while I changed my sanpro. We discussed sex (again basically) at about 3.5 after reading a book about having a baby. Obviously the emotional implications will have to be gone over when she's older but she appears to have a good grasp of the basic facts.

TheUnwillingNarcheska · 25/04/2015 23:07

We had already covered the pants nspcc thing before year 3 because I used to volunteer on the school swim run. The children are in year 3 and in a communal changing room together, all naked. (girls separate from boys obviously) then in year 4 they go 2 into a cubicle. Naked, alone, and away from teachers looking out for stuff.

We too have the What's happening to me book. Ds1 is now 12 but started smelling and needing deodorant, not just regular showers when he finished out year 4. Ds2 is heading the same way, he is also in year 4. The book covers very varied topics, at the time, I just read stuff out to Ds1 so no real info on the girls section of the boy's book, mainly hygiene, erections, hair growing etc.

In terms of school education, as parents we are given the opportunity to watch the dvd before the children do. Year 5 was mainly about hygiene and feelings, but IIRC they name all parts of the female genitalia including the clitoris which some parents were shocked at. It also talked about masturbation without calling it anything, just boys rub their penis and it feels nice. Year 6 is sex education, I am sure ours was a BBC production. Again we could watch it.

As Ds1 is 12, I told him I would answer any question he ever had about sex and relationships but I would never answer stuff about me and Dh just generic some people do etc. Like I am not going to tell him if I give Dh a blow job

I should have said the first book they ever had on babies was Mummy laid an egg and you can click on that book and see how they draw the Mummy and Daddy. Ds2 still reads the book and finds it hilarious. It might be a good place to start.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 26/04/2015 18:40

It has always been an ongoing topic but I think we sat down with a book and discussed it properly when ds was 6. It was covered again at school when he was older, the school were very thorough and I was really pleased with how they handled it.

textfan · 27/04/2015 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meglet · 28/04/2015 07:28

text yes, that's why I covered it. I know what happens at home (lp) but I have no control over what goes on once they're out there.

JasperDamerel · 28/04/2015 07:38

I started when they babies. I've never had a single conversation, although the biggest discussion I ever had was with DD when she 7, prompted by a book set partly in a Victorian orphanage which led to the shocking revelation that people have sex for fun because it feels nice :-)

The 5 year old know vaguely about how babies are made, about the changes that happen at puberty including periods, and about private parts being private.

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