Anyone else fed up of their MILs??

[Boobsout]

Just on for a bit of a rant due to PILs controlling behaviour my DH is a 34 yr old single child and to give a bit of background MIL went back to work when he was 6 weeks old so def holds a grudge that I'm a stay at home mum to DS 2 and DD 4 months. DH side of the family (him inc but not as bad as he used to be!) are at best emotionally/socially constipated at the best of times both PIL were school teachers so have a stance of we are kids having kids and are not afraid to voice their opinions on literally every aspect of our life's before and after kids. The latest being that we told them we were considering moving to a new house a couple of streets up from where we currently are as feel we needed more room. It would have been a bit of a stretch money wise but we felt that it was a good time with interest rates being low etc to go ahead. Stupidly and against my advice as knew it would be met with the usual negativity DH told PILs of what we were considering which lead to a week long barrage of emails (everything is sent in email form due to social emotional constipated state that means they cannot function in a normal conversation that may lead to us standing up for ourselves!) of how they "simply cannot sit by while we make a massive mistake!!"" And remind me I do not have a job!!!""we weren't getting enough for our house" etc etc etc to the point that hubby had doubts and we lost out on the house!! I am fuming now as it looks to them as if we have toed the line due to their input and have received yet another email telling us not to worry the right house will come at the right time how can I get it across to them to back of and stop overly involving themselves in our family life ( they are both retired and I unfortunately see far more of them than DH as they come down and camp out for the day as we live so far away 35mins!!) there has been lots I sly digs and comments in the past as they have never really accepted that I am good enough for their golden child and after 5 years of underhand bullying im close to loosing it!!any advice on how to get the point across would be great - sorry for the rant but I could write a book!!

Oh sweets I feel your pain. What is it with the communication by email or text? Just call me you emotional constipated fool!
I have no advice just sympathy. Mine are the same and DO MY HEAD IN.

Boobs I share your frustration, we have something of the same although it is always in person.

I suggest you Drop the Rope metaphorically and just stop reading thei emails. Then start being out when they announce their visits. Just disengage without any big drama. I think you'll feel a lot better for it!

Lol at least I'm not the only one we go away on Monday for four nights and they only saw the kids last Sunday but already getting the guilt laden emails that they simply must see them before we go but dens rung we go to them as it's such a long road funny that it's only a long road on the way to us!!im thinking that we will be too busy as still so annoyed at some of the comments made and can see me being rude!!x

Thanks Nancy I've tried this tact before after thee worst joint holiday last year in which MIL ruined disney (turns out it isn't the happiest place in earth when PILs are involved!!) and then they start asking constant questions of am I ok and why am I so busy durning the week as I don't have a job and surely I can prioritise their visit over anything else blah blah blah until I then get a hard time from hubby as he then has to deal with their constant moaning and groaning they are both retired now and don't have any hobbies or friends so starting to feel like an any under a magnifying glass the last few months!!

until I then get a hard time from hubby

^^ there is your problem. Without a doubt he should shield you from this hassle to do with his parents.

My problem is my MIL. I was also a sitting duck dealing with a lot of it. I then started a project called "your mother your problem". I didn't reply to them, still do.

Your DH needs to feel the hassle full on before anything will change.

How does that go when you do finally have to see them??is it not really awkward??i generally hate confrontation which is why I always end up giving in but getting so fed up off the constant input now that I feel like I want to send an email of my own although they are the type if people that probably see nothing wrong with how they act and what they say that they would end up being the victims they are really good at that!

I really hate confrontation too, I don't speak my mind to them at all really! For us it helps that MIL often texts or emails us both and the I hassle DH to reply. I say to him directly: you need to reply so I don't have to.

You can't change them. An email to them or a confrontation will only set off a chain reaction of toxic behaviour.

All you can change is how you (and DH as a team) deal with them.

I was the same as you, I took the brunt of it and I became very sad and very frustrated. I then walked a long road to get DH to support me but it worked in the end. I trust him a lot more on this topic now.

I told him how badly it affected me and that to tell me to just ignore it was wishful thinking.

I explained it like a triangle: her behaviour is bad. Seeing them can make me angry(corner 1, though I don't really 'do' angry) or sad (corner 2). Or we have to see her less (corner 3).

I also go back to this first principle when I start thinking about changing her behaviour. But I can't. A great conversation with a psychologist friend helped me see that.

We're then left with the triangle ans seeing them directly causes me pain. As simple as that.

Could you try to talk to your DH?

We deal with both my mother and my MIL with, yes thanks for the advice, we'll bear it in mind. Then we continue doing just what we were doing.

I think the key problem is not really your PIL and their emails (annoying though they must be) but the fact that your husband listens to them!

Sorry I don't really know how you can get round this. I too do the 'your mother, your problem' thing and that really works, although not always because I work with my MIL (yep bonkers!).

other useful tips: try not to give out any information about your life that they can then get overly involved in. I have repeatedly learned this the hard way!

I now create dummy topics which MIL gets hett up about, but it doesn't sting so much as it's not true. They knew about your house plans, got involved, got in the way and that hurts.

Maybe tell them you plan to buy a caravan and let them send endless emails about that? I promise you it will feel funny and absurd when it's not true. Then keep your actual plans to yourself and only announce when you're ready.

Same with your day to day. Be careful to keep out of the conversation what your routine is, otherwise they can insert themselves into your day and start reorganizing YOUR priorities. How dare they! Just say, "We're not available then". Don't get drawn in by normal poluteness to explain. Get your guard much higher up. They don't respect your boundaries. You need to make it harder for them to interfere.

Thanks for the tips already laughing at the thought of their heads combusting over buying a caravan will definitely be trying that one!!your right they are rude to me so don't know why I'm worried about appearing that way to them will definitely be trying the your mother your problem route from now on!!thanks ladies xx

You may want to read a book called Toxic Parents to learn more about setting boundaries and about adult child-parent enmeshment more generaally.

Agree some bou daries with DH. Then he needs to step up to the plate. You want to get to a place where he can say to them: thank you for your advice on x topic, but Boobs and I prefer to make these decisions ourselves. We won't be reading any more emails about x topic and we don't want to discuss it futher either.

I've taken to just trying to ignore my mil. She is obsessed with finding out everything that goes on in our lives, it's easier to disengage than to listen to the constant advice. Although I will admit to ranting at dh when she complained that I picked my parents up from the airport and didn't take dd to see her on my way home. My parents had being away for 4 weeks and my dd is only 8 weeks old. the only reason we picked them up is cause my auntie, who was originally meant to pick them up, is in intensive care. How dare I do this and not consider her!!!

They are both retired now and don't have any hobbies or friends

This is where we had a nightmare... MIL's life revolves around her children,.... When she was fit this was constant phoning and visiting to see what she could do (not unusual to call in a couple of times per day, plus phone many times). Everything that happened in one Childs house could spark another round of phone calls to keep everyone up to date. DP did enable it, and was very reluctant to say anything to annoy MIL. Unfortunately put a huge stain on out relationship, and i ended up just ignoring MIL's regular visits and phone calls ... But she never took the hint. It remained until her health deteriorated in later years, but slightly less constant phone calls continue, but thankfully to DP's mobile. Sorry no advice, other than try and be united and don't get into habits which enable the intrusion. But you are in a situation where you or them will end up hurt, rejected and/or resentful!!

Your real problem isn't the pils it's dh.

i dont have a mil but have had a problem with sil in the past. we had a big row on facebook via private messaging mostly but also on one status aswell. i logged into mine oh's facebook and blocked her and her dc's we all get on much better now the main form of communication has been cut. i suggest you block the emails at least on your account. let the machine take their calls if they call too. and try not to tell them your plans and when you do choose to tell them and they object just reply breezily with well thats what we are doing..... one issue i had with sil was her comments about my shopping habbits. i told oh if he didnt deal with it next time i would and id loose my temper... she started i growled oh dealt with it. no more comments about what i spend my money on. fil does make comments but i just brush them off and he doesent persue it