Please tell me how it is even remotely possible to deal with a toddler AND a newborn?!

[notmuchofaclue]

DD is just 3 and I am due our second very soon. DD is pretty demanding, not remotely interested in doing anything by herself, and today has driven me nuts with constant demands followed by relentless whinging when told no. She's in bed now, thankfully she sleeps well, and I have been sat here thinking that soon I won't even have this time to breathe and watch TV/read mn.
I just don't get it. How do you deal with a toddler whinging AND a newborn crying, especially as everything I read says that the arrival of said newborn will send the toddler nuts. And when do you get any time to yourself/peace and quiet/sanity?! Or do you just not? Because of course the newborn will go all through the night too.
I have such a creeping feeling of dread about how I'll cope with it all when just one of them alone can drive me round the bend.
Any survival tips very welcome...

The newborn gives the toddler something to do! Seriously, I have a two year gap and I have never felt worse than I did heavily pregnant with a two year old. It all got better when the baby was born.

DD liked to help with her baby brother and I found I had more patience with the constant demands to play with her once the baby was out. It was much easier to get out and about with a newborn in a pram than in tummy too which helps.

Well it IS mad! Mine are 18 months apart and the youngest is now 6 months.

Somehow you all survive. But some days only just.

Tbh it is, at least for me, better than being pregnant and dealing with a toddler :)

Some days to be absolutely honest I really don't love it at all. And other days I think it's pretty awesome. And if you could see the two of them together now it would absolutely melt your heart. DD (the youngest) adores her big brother and grins and laughs at him. He took a while to adjust but is totally taken with her as well!

To begin with we had quite a biting and hitting phase. There wasn't really anything I could do that helped. It was just a phase. It passed.

I think key tips that worked for us that we got given are:

Be organised - do as much as you can the night before (to be fair we've struggled with this because DD has been colicky and then a nightmare cluster feeder)

Get out!!! Do stuff! It all goes a lot better the minute we get out of the door. And DS is far more manageable once he's been exercised as it were.

And everything is always better if you've had sleep. So rope in any help you can get to get any chance of more sleep! I guess if your eldest is 3 you will be getting the free nursery hours so at least you will have a break with only one to look after for at least 15 hours a week? It may seem remarkably easy at those times ;) and given my point above I would consider using that time to sleep. At least in the beginning.

It's hard but somehow you get through and you suddenly realise that you've had some fun too :) good luck!

You just muddle through the best you can and remember it's not forever!
I feel like I'm starting to come out the other side a tiny bit. Mine are 9,4,18 months and 6 months and as a pp said by far the hardest bit was being heavily pregnant with little ones.
Don't feel guilty in the early days if there's lots of cbeebies and frozen is played back to back it won't do her any harm. I know it's not for everyone but I found getting out in the mornings really helped, toddler groups are great there's always someone willing to cuddle a newborn while you play with dd or have a coffee while it's still hot

You just seem to manage somehow! Dc1 is just 2 and dc2 is 3 months. It is bloody hard at times but as pp said, sometimes you get to the end of the day and realise it was actually pretty good!

Organisation is key, clothes ready for next day out and you dressed before heading downstairs on a morning. Don't worry about getting lots done, try to walk the toddler every day and do groups etc if poss. Dc2 is easy if chucked in a sling.

As long as at the end of the day everyone has been fed, had nappies changed and is in one piece then you are doing well!

Good luck

The truth is you stop saying no, put cbeebies on and bribe her with biscuits :o

I have a 24 month gap and then a 3.5 year gap. The new baby didn't send either older sibling nuts at all - I have no idea whether this is because we were very conscious of not letting them feel pushed out (they came with DH to bring me home from hospital rather than arriving home to a "new" setup of mummy plus baby in their house, that was massively important I think, as was the fact they weren't shipped off but stayed in their own home - PIL slept a night in our house for the births, then the older siblings were with dh and visited me and baby with him. Also did presents from the baby etc.) Or just their temperaments.

Do get out once you feel able - DC2 lived in a wrap carrier under my coat for his first winter while I took dd to toddlers and pushed her on the swing in the park. I know wraps/ slings don't work for everyone but worth a try, if not you can do most of the same stuff with a baby in a pram.

You can still watch tv and MN after Dc1 is in bed of course - cluster feeding is actually designed to force you to do that.

Basically you have to lower your tv/ routine/ biscuits standards and try to still do as much of your toddler's normal stuff as you feel able to without stressing yourself, and remember as long as the baby is fed, dry and warm they can just be a passenger a lot of the time as you do what you normally do with your toddler.

Having a newborn and 3yo is easier than being heavily pregnant plus 3yo!
Stay and play at the children's centre was great - I could snooze with dd while ds got attention. Lots of soft play and playgrounds (baby in sling made cold playgrounds much nicer!). Lots of sitting in my bed feeding dd while reading to ds.
Story time with ds at bedtime came first - if dd wouldn't sleep in the other room them I'd end up feeding he but still reading to ds. Had lots of recorded telly so ds got to watch a programme when I had to change dd.

Really playing up how poor dd was too small to do whatever fun thing ds was enjoying seemed to help, and admitting that small siblings can be annoying.

If everyone's been fed and has dry clothes and bedding, that's great. Anything else (like clean clothes...) is a bonus.

Somewhere along the line I was give the advice to take every short cut and cut every corner that you can. So I have and it seems to help!

Ocardo are brilliant imo because they very rarely substitute or have anything missing so I no longer do a big shop in the supermarket.

The cbbiees i-player is fantastic, so is sky plus.

I also think that containment is key and the ability to get out for a walk when you need. I would still put DC3 in the pushchair at aged 3 just for my sanity, DC4 would be in the sling and I could get some fresh air and clear my head.

Also accept every offer of help and rest lots before your DP/DH goes back to work.

Does your DD go to nursery soon? I found needing to be somewhere was a bit daunting at first, but actually the routine and focus was quite good, as is having one less for a few hours.

Be careful with the "accept every offer of help" advice - if you know deep down the person won't actually be the kind of help you want, and will actually add to your stress, don't be guilt tripped/ worried / emotionally blackmailed into letting them come to stay for 2 weeks during the newborn period :o I learnt that lesson the hard way

One thing that helped me was getting myself dresses before dh left for work. Big one was still asleep and he would hold the baby.
It gets easier with practice!

You'll survive, I have a 3 week old, 2.7yo and a 3.10 year old and we are fine, it's never as bad as you imagine

Bless you lovely people, I feel instantly less panicked about it all.
It hadn't occurred to me that being heavily preggers with a 3 year old could actually be any worse than with a newborn. I remember thinking with my first that it would be so much easier once she was here, and how wrong I was! But it's so different when you don't have one already.
There's so much great advice, I am very grateful for the responses and will make sure I (try to) remember it all. I think I was a bit of a martyr to it all the first time around and didn't accept much help, this time WILL be different! Let's hope DS loves a sling and a sleep and maybe just maybe it might work....

Mother I loved your reassurance until I saw your username

Nothing to add but just to say thanks for the thread - DS is 3.1 (sounds similar to your DD) and I'm sat here at 40+1 with mild period pains wondering if tonight's it! Feel suitably reassured too :)

Mrscog eek! Good luck! Let me know how it is on the other side

You just muddle through try to be as organised as you can, if your going out the next morning get clothes out ready and bags packed the night before. Don't stress about the housework either, if others offer to help then send your ironing their way. Get into a routine or get newborn to fit in with eldest dc routine. Take each day as it comes you'll have good & bad, write off the bad and cherish the good.

Hi, a year ago I had the same worries. The advice given is spot on - get up and dressed straight away and have bags packed night before! That way you can leave as soon as all 3 of you are ready. DD was just turned 2 when DS was born but she loved to help. I panicked when she stopped napping after lunch but Disney princesses came to rescue - put DS to sleep, cuddle up on sofa with DD and I snoozed while she watched, but as we were cuddled up I would wake if she moved. (Still do this sometimes if had a broken night!) She was also very helpful when I needed something e.g wipes etc....
You'll be just fine - its scary but wonderful and easier than you anticipate.

It is damn hard I'll be honest. I've ended up with a toilet training toddler and a 2 month old with bad reflux and screaming pretty much all day and taking 2 hours to finish a feed then wanting another an hour later. But I'm still alive and so are they. We have good days and bad (today was a bad day) but you find a routine and it gets easier.

I really don't get much free time as dd1 doesn't go to bed til 8 and then dd2 screams until about midnight but I know it's not forever d

Gosh Roseybee that sounds like me wrt toilet training toddler and a 2 month old with bad reflux, but I've got the baby on medication (Losec) for the reflux, which has made things much easier. and for you.

I haven't got much to add to the advice upthread OP. Don't worry if the housework isn't done - accept that things are going to be untidy, even chaotic for a while. Don't feel guilty if the toddler ends up watching a lot more TV than they used to, if that is necessary to keep the peace and keep you sane.

Try to be as sensitive as you can to the fact that the toddler's world has been turned upside down and they had no say in it. Make them feel useful and involved e.g. ask them to bring/hand you things for the baby, even if it would be quicker to get them yourself, and then really praise them for all their help. And as pp said, emphasise all the things they can do that the baby can't - using a cup, eating an apple, going on the swings, etc. We do a lot of "no, baby sister, you can't play with the train set until you are big, like your brother" sort of thing.

Some great advice here I have 3 weeks left and a very spirted 2.5 ds! I just keep thinking when they're alittle older they shall play together and it will all be worth it!

hi hunni,im a mummy to four and managed it twice with a year between the pregnancys, kiddies are 8 7 2 and 10 months you will get yourself into a wee routine and u will manage brilliant,patience is key aswell but ure oldest will probably want more attention which can be a pain in the butt haha good luck