4 year old awful behaviour - please help

[Youcanneverhavetoomanybooks]

Does anyone else have an extremely stroppy 4 year old? DD1 has turned into a monster. She has terrible tantrums all the time and we never know what will set her off. Frequently she starts screaming at us because one of us 'looked at her!'

Lately she has got out of the wrong side of bed virtually every morning and will scream and scream, demand things, change her mind, scream and scream and can't stop. Or she won't talk to us properly except to say 'mmm' in a very aggressive way and expect us to understand her and then go off on one when we don't. All of the conventional advice for tantrums we have tried - and nothing works. If we ignore her, she will just keep going. We live in a small flat - there is nowhere to hide.

Sometimes when she just won't stop I sit on the floor in front of her quietly and that's the cue for the abuse to begin. She'll kick, punch, hit and scream 'I hate you' and 'mummy's a poo and a bogey and a toilet' at me. Basically using whatever insults she can.

Dh has more patience than me - he used to be able to distract her out of it sometimes but not lately.

She's always sorry later - or says she is - but we are at our wit's end. It's got to the point that I actually don't want to be around her and that's not the relationship I want with my daughter, who I do love very much. We are what I would describe as 'firm but fair' with her - we don't just give in and let her have her own way all the time and I wouldn't say she is a spoilt brat. She is obviously struggling with the fact that things can not be the way she wants them all the time but this is the way it comes out.

Thanks.

Just a thought could it be diet related? My DS if he ever gets his hands on cows milk he acts like a demon, also jelly beans have a similar effect... He then gets easily frustrated and acts like he wants to explode. If it is a food intolerance look at foods she loves/craves the most.
If it is just 'bad' behaviour love her more. Not implying you don't love her of course but a naughty child becomes use to negative reaction so switch it up and kill her with kindness
I read somewhere that the most 'unloveable' children need love the most.
Good luck!

No advice but my 4 year old ds is the same, although he won't hit us but he does hit himself and other things. I've taken to warning him three times to calm down, asking if he needs help to calm down (a cuddle) and if that doesn't work then I have to put him in his room until it blows over.

Is she able to explain what she was feeling after she has calmed down?

You said the flash points are about her not getting what she wants, when she wants it. What kinds of demands are they? Your post implies this behaviour is all day every day, so is there a pattern to the demands? If she is getting angry because you are "looking at her" can you make this into a game and see if you can turn it around?

My 4 year old has her moments, there is no doubt, usually when I tell her it is time to stop playing on the laptop or come in from outside play to have her tea (and sometimes when it is time to go home from a playdate), but it is not all day every day by any means.

Has she started school? Has there been any change in the household or her situation recently?

Are you able to praise her for any examples of nice behaviour or being kind and work on that?

Sorry, more questions than actual advice in there!

Just on one aspect if the problem, I would suggest not staying with her if she's being like that. Walk into the next room and tell her she can join you when she stops the rudeness and hurting. Otherwise on one level you're accepting it.

could you try a sticker / smiley chart? definitely agree with not just sitting and letting her say those things to you, perhaps you could consider a thinking chair / thinking corner?

I'm sure you do this anyway but do you give her choices? It's a bit of a faff but when you want her to get dressed: "would you like to wear these socks or these?." Of course there's barely any difference between the socks and it's incredibly time-consuming but it does seem to make them feel empowered; so they're less likely to kick off. (And I definitely mean less likely rather than unlikely
I do this with everything now - 2 choices which seems to distract them from deciding whether to co-operate or not.

Our 5yo dd has phases like this. She is very, ahem, spirited and fierce. The upside is that she loves, laughs and plays fiercely too. Here is my tuppence worth:

First of all I'd rule out a physical cause for the escalation recently. Does she have nits? Worms? Toothache? A low-level virus? All of these things have sent our dd off the deep end at times.

Sticker charts have had some success. Obviously this works over a longer period of time, showing them the pay-off for good behaviour.... but doesn't help you in the heat of the moment when the behaviour is bad.

The bottom step has been useful. Simply putting her on there, walking away (this is crucial), and saying 'you can stay there until you have calmed down'. Obv she'll get off but if you just keep putting her back, and saying the same line firmly, she will get the message. And will realise this isn't much fun.

Finally, I've found that a little compassion can help. As awful as it is when dd is kicking off, I know she feels bad about it too as she'll sometimes say mid-rage 'I'm so sad with myself!' or similar. So when she is really off on one, a simple 'I can tell you feel angry and upset. I'll be here for a cuddle when you calm down my love' can break the curse!

I have to say though- our dd's behaviour improved greatly when she turned five. It was a conscious decision on her part. She just decided that now she was five, it was time to start listening, being kinder to her brother, and stop making such a fuss about things. That doesn't help you much but maybe it will give you hope!

Thanks to everyone for their feedback. We've started the 'marble in the jar' idea - she gets up to 2 on a nursery day (one for before nursery and one for after) and up to 3 on a non-nursery day with the idea that when the jar is full she can choose a treat from our local cheapy toy shop. It's been so much better - I guess it's about breaking the cycle and refocusing. Doesn't always work but we have a avoided a fair few blow ups by reminding her that she may not get a marble, so here's hoping...