Tantrums

[Playthegameout]

Ds is 18 months, he is a lovely little boy, walking (running when he can!), great fine motor skills, good verbally, hitting his milestones no problem. But, just recently he's started to tantrum in quite spectacular style.

The tantrums seem to be affected by tiredness and he's in the awkward stage of going from two naps to one. We've had two enormous ones this week which have left me feeling like the worst mum ever. The first was when we went to the park. It was the afternoon, ds had had a two our nap 10-12, we met a friend of mine at the park at 2. The park was about a half an hour drive away and ds was fine during the journey. When we got to the park he was happily walking along when he saw a dog. Now we have a Labrador ourselves, we spent a long time getting specialist training with the dog to prepare for ds' arrival. So they have a fab relationship and are very respectful of each other. Ds knows to be gentle and they really adore each other. But this has nurtured a real interest in dogs. We don't want to encourage him to touch other dogs just in case, so when we spotted a dog in the park I tried to lead ds away towards the swings. Cue a meltdown like I have never seen before. He was screaming "doggy woof woof" and threw himself to the floor. I picked him up and cuddled him , but he was bucking in my arms and hitting me. He's a big boy (over 100th centile height and 91 for weight) and it was quite difficult for me to hold him. Even when we had walked out of sight of the dog he was still wailing and fighting, when I sat down on the floor to try to cuddle and calm, he was writhing out of my arms to go after the dog. I tried to play, give him a drink, a snack and toy to distract him but nothing worked. I tried to pop him in his buggy and briskly walk round but he didn't settle. After 40 minutes we left because I couldn't calm him. I put it down to tiredness but he didn't sleep in the car, or nap at home.

Tantrum 2 was just as epic, I had to collect my new glasses at 2.15, he was great on the way, but when we got out of the car he didn't want to walk or go in the buggy so, I tried to carry him, but he's very heavy and I couldn't manage to hold him and push the buggy. So once again he started screaming and hitting. It was horrible and I felt so awful that I'd made him this miserable on two consectutive days. People were looking and I know I must look like the worst mum ever. And to a degree I feel it's true because I can't calm him.

Can anyone please help? I really do my hardest to be calm and reassure him, but it's almost like that makes him worse. Maybe I irritate him? Any advice welcome.

I have to say, when my 18 month old gets into a mega tantrum, it is incredibly hard to calm her, so don't feel alone in that. It is very disheartening to suddenly not be able to comfort your child, when perhaps you were able to before. Mine had a huge tantrum yesterday evening because we came in from the garden ready to go up for a bath, and she wanted to keep on playing in the garden. She was wailing, screaming, crying, the lot. I picked her up and carried her upstairs, laid her on the floor, set the bath running, and then got out her little Noah's Ark set and started loading the animals in to the boat, whilst singing along. She carried on ranting for another little while, but then her curiosity got the better of her, and she really wanted to get involved in what I was doing.

Perhaps you could have a little tub or lidded box you can carry around in your bag, you could fill it with exciting little things (not sure what interests your son particularly, but perhaps a little something that squeaks, something glittery/sparkly, something that you shake, etc) and when the tantrum starts, if it's safe to do so, let him get on with it, but sit close by and act really excited about what's in the special box. It might just peak his curiosity and snap him out of it.

I always thought tantrums wouldn't start until about 2 years, so when they started at around 14 months, I was most unprepared! Still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing!

People may look but all toddlers tantrum so dont worry about that.

In the second example I would just shoehorn into pushchair. But mainly I just tried to avoid things that would cause tantrums and where I couldn't I would ignore as much as possible. With my dd, anything I tried to do to distract her would make it worse. Ignoring worked better, eventually she would calm down and want a cuddle. Sometimes you just have to give up and go home like you did.

I'm sorry to say that I thought my dd started tantrumming early but they were nothing compared to the ones between 2 and 2.5!

Thank you so much for the replies. I'm going to be honest and say I've felt really awful about the last few days, to the point where I felt we couldn't go out today. I had awful pnd when he was born and he had reflux, so I feel like I failed him then and I'm failing him now. I desperately want to be the mummy he deserves.

Lozza I love the idea of the tub, and I'm going to buy a few glittery bits tomorrow to try that. Tarka I wasn't expecting him to start now at all, and a couple of my friends have older toddlers and have said the same, that it will get worse. That absolutely fills me with dread. My other friends seem to have magic ways and look so much more in control than I do.

We have a family bbq birthday party coming and some other toddlers are invited but I feel sick to the stomach about ds getting unhappy and me not helping him. I know some people made comments about me not coping at the start.

Well, you're def not failing him, for a start! You are doing a fab job, parenting is bloody hard (who knew?!). The mummy he deserves is the one who recognises that being a parent is a challenge, but does their best to get on with it, which is exactly what you are doing.

I find that for social events and outings, it helps to be really prepared. So, for example, arriving at a time that means she has either had her nap before we go, or can have a sleep in the car on the way over. Is the BBQ at your house, or at someone else's? If we're going to someone's house, I take a bag of toys, just a small bag but I stuff as many of her little toys in as I can, so she has some variety. I also take plenty of snacks, because actually one of the main things that helps distract her is a little snack. I know that probably isn't a great way to do things, but it works so I'll keep doing it! So a couple of tubs of small, fiddly snacks that will keep her attention for as long as possible.

Also, as Tarka said, people do expect babies and toddlers to have tantrums, so although it probably sounds deafeningly loud to us, to other people it is just something that's happening.

You say that some of your other friends seem to have magic ways and look so in control, but you also mention that your friends have slightly older children. So they have probably learned these "magic ways" over time, and back when their child was 18 months, they probably felt just as stressed and rubbish about it all.

Lozza thank you that's really kind of you to say. I think I get a bit hung up because I teach kids with behavioural, emotional and social difficulties so I help older children through meltdowns every day I'm at work, so I think I should do better for ds really. A "friend" said in the early days when ds was crying with reflux and I couldn't help him 'with your job you think you'd know what to do.' That's stuck with me and said friend will be at the bbq. I will do as you've suggested and pack up well. Plus dh will be there and he is 2 million times better with ds than me. Thanks for all your help

Please don't feel bad and try not to take the tantrums personally. It really is just their age. My ds is 16 months and has had a couple of humdingers, the most notable of which was in the library and which i felt certain would lead to us being banned! It's hard when they just kick off and it's irritating when people say "avoid tantrum situations", the other day ds had a tantrum because I wouldn't give him a nappy bag filled with poo-hard to predict that one.
I second the diversions. I've started to carry around whole apples as ds loves them and they take ages for him to eat, books, all sorts. I thought I'd have less stuff to carry around as he got older but apparently not.
I reckon that , on seeing a tantruming toddler most people have either been there so understand or haven't so don't count!

Tantrums are just a part of toddler development, absolutely no reflection on you as a parent, or anything to do with your relationship with your child. The reality is that there is no 'way' of dealing with tantrums, you just need to wait them out and be ready with a hug if they want one after. Most of the time they are so overwhelmed with emotions that their brain can't handle that absolutely nothing can calm them down - not even the best mum in the world!! I didn't have any PND or feelings that I failed my dd when she was a baby, but I still felt utterly helpless when she had these almighty tantrums that I couldn't predict/control/stop. I too have sat there in tears over it. I felt it really useful to read up on it all, and a couple of books that we recommended on here were Toddler Calm and also Calm Parents, Happy Kids (Dr Laura Markham - also www.ahaparenting is her website and I found it really helpful).
So please please know that this is just your DS being a toddler, just like every other toddler out there. Reassure yourself that you're doing all the right things. You can't stop them happening in future and they will take you by surprise, but anyone who judges you or makes you feel bad about it has either never had a toddler, or is in denial about what their own gets up to!

Tantrums are a normal part of toddler development. It does come as a bit of a surprise if they start before they are two! , but be reassured the people who look are thinking "oh, I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt and am glad mine are past that stage now' - they are not 'judging' or criticising you

Oh - and there's no reasoning with a toddler in a tantrum - just ignore them, and give all the fuss and attention when they don't tantrum.

I think the main thing is to take it as the most natural thing in the world. I don't have any clever tricks to suggest but I do know that my dd's tantrums started to fall away when I stopped feeling like the worst mother in the world because of them.

Be kind to yourself. I found the 18 months to 3 years age-range the most challenging with all my kids. Tantrums are truly a force of nature and you can do almost nothing to soothe them other than sit it out and be ready with tissues/cuddles/reassurance when it's all over. Your son won't love you any less just because he's had a stormy half hour or so, and everyone recognises a toddler tantrum when they see one. Have a plan so that you know in advance how you will cope if one kicks off at a social occasion. Do you have a partner who can help you? If seeing your DS upset is getting you down, perhaps he/she or a trusted friend could take over for a while so that you don't have to deal with it on your own?
My DS used to have awful tantrums and we came the conclusion that there were times when he just got really angry and frustrated and he didn't really know why he felt that way, but the feelings would attach themselves to whatever situation he was in. Whatever options we offered him, nothing was right, he couldn't listen to any suggestions and just had to vent for a while.
You can't stop the tantrums happening, but you can stop yourself getting drawn in and feeling guilty about them because they are not your fault. Say to yourself "It's just a phase" and wait for it to pass. It will.
Good luck!

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. Hermia that's a great idea about the dog pictures, will start today. Clobbered thank you for the reassurance. I have got a dh who is a really great dad. If ds does tantrum with him, he just scoops him up and blows raspberries till it's passed . Dh will be there at the birthday party too so he will be a huge help. not much I will look at those books, I think I'll feel better if I've more strategies up my sleeve, then I won't feel as useless, even if what I do doesnt really help.