What will happen when I go back to work?

[hobNong]

Dd is 9 months and I will be going back to work when she is 1. Childcare should be a combination of nursery, hopefully some grandparent help and maybe a nanny to cover other times. I have never spent more than about 2 hours away from her. I just don't know how this will work.

She is eating solids, but not as much as I'd hoped she would be by now. She drinks water and has 3 meals a day but still breastfeeds quite a lot. I've tried giving her some breast milk in her cup but she will still want to breastfeed. She won't use a bottle. I'm hoping she'll take expressed milk from another person when I'm not there but so far not had a chance to test this out. She will eat a big meal, drinks loads of water and still cry for a feed soon after! Nothing else will calm her!

My other worry is nap time. I get my dd to sleep. Whether she falls asleep feeding, or being rocked or walked in the pram. That is how she gets to sleep. I know I should do sleep training but I can't do it. She gets so distressed and I get distressed and I'm pretty much constantly on edge at the moment. I soon resort back to my usual methods to get her to sleep.

My other worries are just general day to day activities, what will happen? What do nurseries and nannys do with a baby?

I know I'm lucky to have had a year off but I'm getting so scared. I can imagine my dd crying and not being looked after. On one hand I'm absolutely desperate for a break, I'm always on the verge of tears, I never get any alone time, but on the other hand I'm scared she won't be looked after properly. I am quite aware I'm coming across as pathetic here but I'd still love some reassurance. Will she forgot me?

No she definitely won't forget you! She will be looked after properly because you'll be paying for Her to be looked after properly. Nurseries and nannies do all the things that anyone would do when looking after a baby - feeding them, changing them, playing with them, putting them down for naps etc. You could give it a go for a month or so and see how you get on. For most people, it works out absolutely fine and people often really enjoy going to work and getting a break, interacting with adults etc. Good luck!

Thanks Poly
I do feel like I need the break!

Shop around for good childcare that suits your ways. For example my daycare doesn't have set nap time for everyone - carers spot eye rubs etc and I see them rocking babies/toddlers to sleep when required.

That sounds great squizita. I keep imagining my dd left crying in a dark cupboard...I don't know where that image came from.

Have you been to visit nurseries/ childminders or interviewed any nannies? A good nursery may have a long waiting list and you may also have to wait for a space with a childminder.

I think when you find the right childcare setting you will feel better. Personally I would try to keep the number of settings my child was in to a minimum- so not a combination of nursery and nanny.

3 Months is a long time in baby time, her eating and breastfeeding habits will greatly change and I found with all of mine they naturally dropped most of the daytime feeds in favour of proper food by age 1 anyway and you will still be able to do first thing and evening feeds while working.
I always found babies will want breast feeding IF YOU are there, if not they realise they have to take the next best thing ie cup or normal food. (Older babies not newborns)

The one I chose even has mini golf for older toddlers! The baby area is spotless, there are paints and sensory activities, home made lunch and lovely smiling staff who are very warm. There are probably some awful places out there but I found it like wedding dress shopping - suddenly you know "this one".

I'm very very pfb ... and a bit of a hippy mum. So my standards when looking are high. Also this wasn't even the most expensive but does have the best OFSTED and reviews.

My advice on the BF is to just swap to first thing in morning and then whatever you normally do in the evening. By 1 they don't need loads of milk in the day, a couple of BF when you're around (and it is nice bonding time when you've been away from them, I kept it up until around 20 months), and cereal with milk, plus other dairy snacks will be more than enough.

I think you have fear of the unknown.

Have you visited any nurseries?

With only 3 months to go you really should know exactly what your plans are and have visited several nurseries/ childminders/nannies, paid a deposit and had a frank talk with gps.

Why are you thinking of using so many different types? Imo this will make it much harder for dd.

I think given your thoughts expressed a nanny would be the best option for you. Is cost an issue?

Imo I think the change to 9/12 months mat leave makes it much harder for mums and babies. This is the peak age for seperation anxiety. Ime it's much easier settling a

No we haven't got any arrangements at all! We are suddenly moving to a new area -it has come about very quickly. We were planning to move but didnt think things would happen this fast.

I thought house buying was going to be a long process but everything fell into place for us! The downside is we don't know the area that well and I'm in a complete panic. Dp doesn't seem to understand how urgent it is.

Why are you thinking of using so many different types? Imo this will make it much harder for dd. Jackie - because I'm an idiot who knows nothing and anything! No I think we can afford a nanny. My logic was she'd meet other babies at nursery and make friends and not start calling the nanny mummy.

I want squizita's nursery! It sounds amazing.

I went back to work when my baby was 6 months and breastfed. I wiuld rather have had longer off, but for him it's been great. He had a take a bottle once a day, which made weaning from me easier when he reached age one. He is alsi held to sleep - the childminder just does the same. He loves his childminder and the other 2 kids there. He definitely hasn't forgotten me and is still my baby. You'll be fine.

I would have a nanny then the nanny can take DD to toddler groups to socialise and when she is older (3 or so) the nanny can drop/collect from pre-school sessions.

Your DD will not think the nanny is her mum, don't worry about that. However, she does need secure attachments to a regular carer(s) so letting her bond with the person who looks after her is the best thing you can do for her. It makes me really sad when I read on here that people are deliberately trying to make sure their DC don't form strong attachments in their child care settings.

Charles YY. There's a reason why outstanding (OFSTED) childcare is described as "warm" and "home from home" etc. I had a childminder as a kid and felt she was like an auntie iyswim. As a result I never felt bad my mum worked, or lonely. Warmth is my priority (after obvious health and safety!) with childcare.
I know it will be me or dh who read the bedtime story and cuddle her as she grows. I'd prefer her to feel affection for her daycare staff so she's happy by day too.

First of all take a deep breath. I've just been through all this and it was far, far easier than expected.

We have a nanny. She's fab and my son adores her. Please don't worry about the nanny usurping your place, that will never happen. But it's lovely for your child (and your own sanity) to bring another trusted caregiver into your lives. Our nanny is much more imaginative and creative than me. I love the stimulation she's able to give my son.

Nanny was right for us as I preferred my DS to be kept in his own environment. She takes him to lots of groups/play dates so I'm not concerned about his socialisation. But there are amazing nurseries out there too. Shop around, see what's right for you. But start this process now.

My DS was an exclusively bf bottle refuser who was fed to sleep too. I was v anxious about how it would all pan out. But it's amazing how quickly they adjust and the rules of the game change completely when you aren't there.

From day 1 my DS happily accepted a sippy cup of formula from the nanny. I continued to bf morning and evening. Your DD will be a year and won't need so much milk anyway. On the sleeping front, my DS is brilliant at going down for a nap for anyone but me .

Whether it's nursery/nanny, these guys are professionals. Trust them. Just be sure that the person you choose is a good 'fit' for your daughter. And no, she won't forget you. You'll look forward to the moment when you come home and she leaps into your arms.

Squitzia, your nursery sounds amazing! If you are in London please let me know

Absolutely get a nanny of you can afford! My DS had a childminder who just had him for two years. I cannot stress enough how valuable it was for me to have another person in his life who loved him and had such a bond with him. It will make everything easier for you (not knocking nurseries etc of course) knowing there is someone who she adores around. It never mattered if I worked late, had to go away etc because he was just as happy with his CM as he was with me.

PMED you Inter.

Squiz I think you PMed me by mistake.

If you can afford a part time nanny and grandparents, I would say don't bother with the nursery until she is 2. She can socialise with other children then. In my experience, babies don't really play with each other at that age, they play around each other. Unless you are planning on working for all her waking hours and hiring a psycho nanny who gets your child to call her mummy, she will know who her mum is.

I remember feeling like you with dc1. The breastfeeding will work out fine. 3 months is a long time and she will change a lot by then. If you want to talk it throug, ring the national breastfeeding helpline (0300 100 0212 I think). Most babies adapt fine and just want to be more whilst their mum is around and manage fine with food and water when not. Google reverse cycling.

I sent ds1 to a nursery. We chose one that would follow his cues and was small and friendly. They were happy to cuddle him to sleep and observe my long list of banned food items . They even persisted in trying to cup feed him expressed milk he didn't want! I would not consider nanny/childminder, as I didn't want him to love anyone as much or more than me and thought he needed socialising.

I now have 4 DCs. I can honestly say that a nanny is the best idea ever! Under 3s need no more socialising than they can get from a nanny/childminder taking them to groups each day. They can nap at home in familiar surroundings and get someone who cares for them and their needs alone, and will follow your requests. You also get to choose exactly the right person to fit with your family. If I had my time over I would choose nanny over every other option every time. Excellent childminder would be second. DS was fine at nursery and has, however turned out just fine .

Oh, and none of my DCs think their nanny is me. The role is v different, but complimentary. More like a wonderful auntie... Who also cooks (including extra for the freezer) and does the kids laundry.

All my DCs only fed the,selves to sleep for me under 1 yr. various oth carers have successfully cuddled them to sleep, pushed the, in a buggy, sung, rocked... What I am saying is that each carer finds their own way. They have their own relationship with the child and provided you trust them to respect your wishes (eg in our case child not left alone unhappy or crying) it will be ok.

Oops sausage fingers on new phone!

Thank you everyone I do feel loads better now!

Just to clarify I wasn't being completely serious about dd calling the nanny, mummy. Growing up my mum worked long hours, my dad wasn't around and we had a few nannies and au pairs and had a great relationship with all of them but none of them replaced my mum. I wouldn't ever try and make my dd distant from the nanny, I want her to have a great relationship with whoever looks after her and feel totally at ease.

I will be out of the house from about 8am -7pm but I'm going to try and negotiate some sort of part time hours with my work. Either cut down to a 3 or 4 day week or see if I can finish earlier each day or something. I'm a bit scared I won't be able to do my job properly but that's another story! I'm a bundle of anxiety I am!

Thanks so much for all the advice. The only thing bothering me now is that we are leaving London and will never get to see this amazing nursery that sounds like the coolest place ever!

I second advice on here that unless you find an exceptional nursery, choose the nanny option until your child is 2. They can still go out everyday to playgroups and activities etc but still receive one to one care and attention.