Bed wetting/lying at 8 years. Very frustrated

[ChickenSoupChef]

My 8 year old ds still wets the bed, I have never reacted badly to this and just say ok thanks for telling me/let's get you cleaned up.

He also has to bring his sheets and pjs downstairs to be washed.

Honestly, for a while he was dry and then I started noticing smelly sheets that had dried. We did a reward chart with much success but I started to feel that as every night was dry it was time to stop that.

And now we are back to bed wetting, which isn't a huge problem in itself it's the constantly not telling me. This morning I asked and he said he'd stayed dry and after I dropped him at school I checked and his bed was wet. He needs to learn that he has to have his bedding washed and be washed himself. We have taken away privileges when he's hidden it and lied. One mum told me to ignore it and just wash the bedding without saying anything to him but I honestly don't believe he's seeking attention and he still needs to be washed.

He says he doesn't notice but I don't see how you can wake in a massive wet patch with wet pants on and not realise?

Maybe he's embarrassed?

Have you taken him to the doctor? My son was in the same position and we went to the doctor who explained that a hormone has to kick in for them to be dry at night. He gave him something which he had to sniff at night - after the first sniff he didn't wet the bed again.

With regard to his lying, I would assume he's embarrassed and would just wash the sheets without saying anything.

So he is being punished, albeit indirectly, for wetting the bed. When he does tell you, he has to strip his own bed and bring the sheets downstairs? What makes you think this is going to encourage him to tell you? It sounds humiliating.

He's embarrassed. Don't punish him and don't put him in the position of lying by asking him. Wash the sheets and maybe go to the GP?

We've been to the GP, and only took away Xbox for that day because he had lied.

What worries me is he doesn't seem to be embarrassed and doesn't seem to care and he seems genuinely shocked that he had wet. Plus he can do it because he has done it before.

He goes to bed in clean pants and would wear the wet ones to school if I didn't make him change and wash. I've also said he just has to take the sheets off and doesn't have to come and tell us.

I could just cry at how much I've fucked this all up. I thought it would happen naturally which is why I left him in night time nappies for so long.

Ok, maybe he is really embarrassed and I've been stressed about it. We have moved house/area and had a baby in the last 18 months. I haven't said anything today to him and have washed his sheets and won't say anything.

I was thinking of bringing back the reward chart, ds2 is 6 and mostly dry but not always should I do it for both of them? Or give ds2 a different target?

I feel I should maybe give the reward chart another go as it was working before I go back to the GP as maybe I didn't give it long enough

Yep- reward chart for both.

I'm trying to get my head round the lying and punishing thing. Does he understand why he needs to tell you ASAP? That its a much quicker and easier job if you know earlier? Cans you do sheet/ waterproof/ sheet so that changin it on the night is easier?

Sounds like he'd rather ignore the problem than address it, or sleep in damp / smelly sheets than admit he's wet the bed.

The way your wroting about it is purely in terms of external actions and reactions, which seem to miss the idea that humiliation and embarassment can be instrinsic... He's not a program where inputs = outputs. He's a boy with his own thoughts, feelings and reactions which come from inside of him. So don't ignore him feeling feelings that you haven't given him

eg just because (you think) you haven't done anything to make him embarrassed, he isn't embarassed.

He's too old to see the situation in this way. His influences will be from inside himself, as well as the vast and persuasive society and culture he lives in, from class mates, teachers to tv and media, he will be receiving and internalizing a massive amount of stuff about what it means to still wet the bed.

Nb also by understanding the situation as being about you messages in = behaviour out, you are making yourself entirely responsible - way to feel massive guilt!!!

And just because he isn't able/ willing to articulate it verbally, doesn't mean to say he's not feeling very complex feelings about it, that are coming out as stubbornness & refusal to engage.

I would say shutting down about it completely is a protective mechanism rather than the reality. Certainly not a sign he doesn't care, in fact it's a classic way of dealing with something you feel you can't fix isn't it? To pretend you don't care, or are even doing it on purpose!

Maybe he can't deal with it or feels he can't change, so pretends to himself it's not happening?

So he needs help to cope with it happening, vs being forced to break through his way of protecting himself (which is a rubbish way, not saying it isn't!)

Sorry typing whilst traveling, hope some of it makes sense