Am I becoming a controlling mummy?

[Cldavie8]

I feel as I'm becoming a really controlling mummy with my 5 month old daughter.

I have an issue with my in laws which I don't know where it comes from because they are lovely people, a bit too nice to be honest.

They live 3 minutes from my husband and I whereas my parents live an hour away. I don't know why and this sounds horrible saying this but I worry that they will have a better relationship with my daughter than my own parents. My parents are wonderful too, less over bearing than my in laws and I make sure I see my mum atleast once a week.

Last night, I was returning back to netball and I asked my husband to be home in time so I could leave. Unfortunately, there was an accident on the M6 so he arranged for his parents to come and look after our baby till he got home. This sounds really bad but I wasn't prepared for them looking after baby girl and I got really upset and moody with him on the phone. It wasn't his fault. I don't know why but I got upset the thought they were looking after baby girl. Anyway, I went off to netball then got home at 8.30 and baby girl was still up. She goes to bed at 7.30 and as soon as I came in I asked why baby wasn't in bed, and I know i didn't look too happy about it. Eventhough my husband was home then I don't understand why they would bring baby back downstairs - comfort her upstairs? Anyway, basically I was a really ungrateful so and so snd really I should have been thankful that they stepped in to help.

It's caused done tension between my husband and I which he could do without to be honest.

In all honesty whilst i'm questioning whether I'm becoming controlling I think I ultimately worry that my in laws want to take over. They have looked after their other grandchild from 3 months, 7-5, 5 days a week and I worry that they want to have that control with my baby?

I don't know what's going on in my head but it's not healthy and I need to be more positive. Can anyone relate to having issues with their in laws?

At the end of the day I should be delighted that my daughter has 2 sets of wonderful grandparents and not all children have that privilege.

Am I being too controlling?

I definitely had issues with my in laws at first!

Whenever they were around I felt sort of claustrophobic, I couldn't bear them being around DD too much, I found them intrusive and overbearing and I totally avoided them.
When I had DS? Not so much. I had a better perspective on it by then. I wondered what I had been so worried about; they can't possibly take my place, or anyone else's for that matter, so I've no idea why I felt so territorial.
I can only assume it's hormone related; ironically MIL mentioned to me that she had felt the same when my DH was a baby!

Thank you for commenting and I feel better that I'm not the only one feeling this way.

You are right it's a territorial thing. They fuss over my little one so much I can't stand it, and as you did I try to avoid them but I can't they are my in laws and baby girls grandparents. But if it was my parents I would be fine with it.

I'm hoping this is just a thing that will pass. I have wondered if it's hormonal. I certainly know that when I go back to work that I'm going to have to let go more.

I feel this way too all though it has eased a bit. It was definitely was from hormones in the beginning then just a combination of them being a bit overbearing (only grandchild) and me not being at eae with them so much as I don't know them that well.
Don't be too hard on yourself, it's difficult to leave you child with people you don't know as well as say your own parents.

I also think it's quite hard to accept that they are your child's family when they are people you don't feel close to or particularly affectionate towards.
I promise it does ease; or if people don't learn how to deal with it there are hundreds of threads on here where people want their (seemingly pleasant, normal) PILs to back off!

Thank you for your messages. Had a chat today with my HV today and chatting with her and on here makes me feel more normal. Funnily enough these are my parents in law who told me I can call them mum and dad when I married their son. Nice, but just doesn't feel right.

I'm sure my hormones will calm down soon.

It will pass. I felt very similar. Would get a tight knot of agitation when things didn't go according to my plan for my baby.

Then they grow older and routine isn't so important. Consequently you will relax. I'm not going to lie, not completely. Some mums, you and I obviously include, struggle to let go because we think (know) that no one will do the job of looking after our children as well as us. It does massively ease up though.

I could have written your post, I felt exactly how you described after my son was born - also in laws first grandchild.

He's almost 5 months and I'm still not as relaxed with them as with my own family but like CaptainFabulous mentioned it is hard to see them as family.
It'll get easier with time :)

I completely agree, I felt the same about my inlaws. They love DD so much, but when they're around I feel overwhelmed and awkward. I try to relax, but any comment they make I take to heart (whereas with my parents I'd happily joke around with them if they were being overprotective/butting in).

It does get easier (DD was 1 last week), and now I'm grateful if they take her off our hands for a few hours, but I still find it fairly stressful having them round, particularly when DH isn't here.

I hope if we have a second one I'll feel like Captain Fabulous. I definitely learnt from DD that I'm going to put my foot down more in the really early days. They came round when DD was 2 days old and stayed almost all day. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck and all they wanted to do was cuddle her, when I didn't want to let her out of my arms. I can't help but think that's one of the reasons I struggle with them, so I'm going to stick up for myself a bit more next time.

I agree with others that it is certainly not abnormal to feel like this (I did), but it is irrational, they love her and (in the circumstances you describe) stepped into the breach to help you and DH. It's definitely worth trying to get a handle on it - make a bit of joke about your behaviour with your DH maybe, whilst explaining to him how you feel, irrational or otherwise, so that he understands.

Believe me I am WELL past this stage now and would do anything for my inlaws to be a bit more hands on as I try to deal with 3 children / work / everything.

I have a couple of times made a joke of it saying that I absolutely adore our little girl and completely focused on her at moment, especially when my in laws suggest I get our baby girl christened with her 7 year old cousin (their other grandchild). I told them hubby and I need to think about that one! Subsequently they are getting christened at the end of June together! Lol!

I am sure I will appreciate them taking baby girl off my hands perhaps when she is becoming a handful and getting older.

I think I am quite jealous the fact my in laws are 3 minutes away and my parents are an hour away. I worry my in laws will have a closer relationship with my own parents. I grew up living with my nan in a granny flat attached to our house and I had the most magical experience growing up with nan next door, so I know how lovely that was, bit I guess I miss the closeness of my parents and do try to see them once a week to compensate the distance.

I need to get my rational head on, and certainly as we are going on holiday with the in laws and bro/sis law next month! That's going to be a long week!

I'm really glad I'm not the only one feeling like this, I was honestly reflecting on what a horrible individual I must be the last 2 days feeling this.

My husband is wonderful and we spoke about my behaviour yesterday (sound like a naughty school girl) he often reminds me that we have a good amount of time left to spend with our little girl yet our parents are getting older and won't have as much time left to spend with her, which is very true and it makes me upset to think that and how I can act.

I'm glad that I am atleast reflecting on all of this as some people wouldn't, but it's tough trying to put good intentions into reality. One step at a time I guess.

Thank you all x

I had my MIL staying with us when Ds1 was born, at my invitation. She was there for 8w, 2w prior to his birth and 6w after.

Well, I found that I really hated letting her hold him for any length of time - I hated the way she clapped him on the bum (I've since realised that this is normal for a lot of Aussie women, and to help with wind, but I'd never seen anyone else do it before and it still seems a bit hard!), I hated the way she called him "pork chop" (UGH!), I hated her saying "he's filled his duds" (UGHUGHUGH!!) and so on. I knew I was being hormonal and irrational and so on, but it really coloured my feelings about her for a while and made me realise how possessive I was of my baby!

I can't tell if I would have been the same with my own Mum (probably) because she'd died while I was pg; but I think it's pretty normal to have these feelings - it's YOUR precious baby, and you obviously know her best and worry that other people won't do the best thing for her. It's also entirely irrational, most of the time!

I'm exactly the same. My I laws are lovely but I get twitchy whenever they watch the girls because they don't follow their routine and then they're all out of whack.

They're quite in your face with the affection and saying things like 'my wee girl' or 'granny's girl'. No idea why it bothers me but I think it's that idea that they're my girls but I'm not really related to the Inlaws yet they have some kind of prior claim to my children.

Cldavie8, I believe what you had felt was completely normal. I completely share your feelings although I also agree that that probably wasn't healthy. I've thinking and thinking too on why I could be so unfair towards my in-laws. For me, I don't trust them enough simply because we don't share the same daily routines/backgrounds hence I don't feel at ease leaving my children (DS and DD) with them in my absence. In contrast, I'm completely fine with my parents taking over as I know/could predict what they do with, say to and teach my children. It isn't an unknown fact that most mothers-in-law and their daughters-in-law don't get along very well and I suppose what I said above might be one of the reasons.

Glad to read your last post saying you're feeling much better after chatting with your husband. It's really lucky of you to have a supportive and caring husband.

All the best