I need to be a better mum

[SweetSorrow]

My 3 year old drew a picture today and said "this is mummy, she's cross"

She is right though I am constantly getting cross with her and shout numerous times a day. I've smacked her on occasion too which I felt (and still feel) terrible about.
This is not the parent I want to be but I just don't know how to be better. I need strategies to stop myself from shouting and being horrible all of the time. Every night I resolve that tomorrow will be a better day but still I end up shouting.

Any calm parents have any tips for me? I just want my babies to be happy...

I don't really have much advice as only have a 10mo, but didn't want to leave you unanswered. Parenting is really hard and personally I find the tiredness and anxiety that goes with it makes it much more difficult to be calm all the time.

just a suggestion but maybe rather than giving yourself a hard time for the times when you get cross, instead try to make sure you do one playful cheerful thing each day with your daughter, and maybe the calm times will grow?

good luck

Look at this parenting website - it is very good. It has helped me a lot, especially with staying calm.
www.ahaparenting.com

May i ask if you are crossed at your dd or is it a general feeling about your life?

As others have said, parenting is hard.

Ask at your local Children's Centre to see if they have any courses your can attend. I used to get very cross because I really didn't know what to do. When I learnt some better strategies, I managed a whole lot better.

As Nolim said, if you look at it carefully, is it your toddler frustrating you (I have two so I know how hard it is) or life in general? I realised in my case I actually suffer from depression. I Thought it was the stress of two toddlers, and it is stressful, but my depression makes me really anxious, snappy and irritable. I'm on meds now and life is SO much better.

Try to count to ten before you speak to her.

Or when she does something that you are going to shout about repeat I your head 'this isn't important, let it go'

Three for me was far worse than two!! My gorgeous little boy, who I felt had always been so easy, was a nightmare at three years old (threenager as they say!) - really pushing the boundaries etc - and I, who am generally quite an easy-going, relaxed, find-most-things-amusing type - used to really scream and lose my temper at times!! And have also given the odd smack. I remember feeling that every tiny thing was a terrible battle! And that every fun trip/game etc I'd planned was ruined by tantrumming/refusals/defiance etc. He's 4 now, and although obviously there are still episodes, nothing like three and much more handleable!!

I don't have much advice - other than to say try to give everyone a break - give yourself as many breaks as possible doing stuff you enjoy, give your little one a break (just let things go sometimes if you can, stick the TV on if it'll cool things down, have a glass of vino maybe) - and give yourself generally a break. Feeling bad about yourself will only make you more upset and more likely to shout. Everybody has their limits, everybody loses their temper. TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Chin up!

Oh and another thing (maybe not relevant to you but thought I'd mention it in case) - my temper was far worse when I wasn't on the pill.

I never used to get PMT before children, but after having kids I got terrible moodiness in the days before my period (and just had a general yucky low feeling, and quite an explosive temper - my poor husband! And things which I'd laugh about a week earlier were all of a sudden things that could bring me to tears or make me shout).

So I went onto the pill again - or actually I changed pills I think - and that made ALL the difference. Within a few few weeks my hormones seemed to settle down and I felt so much better and was back to my light-hearted self. I barely get PMT now and basically feel balanced again.

I second the ahaparenting website. It helped me to calm down and be more playful with my kids.
My frustration was more to do with not being able to do what I wanted to do whether that was cooking dinner, washing up or just needing to sit down for a bit.
When I started to actively play with the kids and go out more I was hardly ever frustrated as I was doing it for them and not for me, if that makes sense.
I think it helps to be better organised with chores as that gives you more free time and to do things for yourself.
Do something without the kids as often as you can and do things you want to but incorporate the kids.

Same here. You are not alone. I made a conscious decision not to yell no matter what my 3yo said or did, wasn't easy but it was much better then yesterday when I completely lost my shit more than once lots of deep breaths, try to slow everything down and hopefully that way I can make a choice not to shout rather than rushing into destructive behaviour.

Oops sorry forgot I even posted this. Today has definitely been a better day and required no shouting. I think I just need to make that decision like someone said and not shout no matter what.

I have wondered fleetingly if I was a bit depressed tbh. I have a 10 month old as well and am back at work and she doesn't sleep through so tiredness is definitely a big part of it.

I tend to shout because DD1 isn't great at listening if it's not what she wants to hear but I do need to learn better coping strategies, thanks for the replies. I was awaiting a flaming!

Going to take a look at that website once DDs are in bed.

Get into the habit of saying ' When you do that I feel (e.g., disappointed)' every time you want to shout. That helps me. or 'I am giving you a warning' and then follow through. if the behavior does not stop. Try to step outside of the situation and view it clinically - what strategy can I employ the way things are happening right now.

I find I shout when I haven't been consistent with discipline.