9 yr old daughter online concerns

[baffledmom]

Hi there

My 9 year old daughter has recently been given a mobile phone (after months and months of pestering because all of her friends have them we finally agreed). This was not a decision we made lightly and weighed up the pros and cons.

She asked if she could set up instagram on it so we agreed thinking it was safe and promptly myself and her dad set ourselves up on there so we can keep an eye on her followers etc.

All fine up until this weekend. Our daughter was very secretive with her phone and was alone in her room for an hour or two - not like her. That night I decided to check her phone as I was concerned. I was shocked to find a boy claiming to be aged 10 had been sending her dms asking if she would be his girlfriend and is she allowed out on her own to meet him. Also they were discussing sex. He mentioned he had sex education in school and if my daughter was aware of it. She said it was when two people fall in love get married and sex and have a child (she only knows the basics). He then went on to say he knows a lot more than that. And then went on to say if she ever gets with him not to tell anyone. He was telling her how beautiful she was and asked her to be his girlfriend and asked for her mobile number. She said she didn't know him and that she wasn't allowed to give her mobile number out but she agreed to be his girlfriend.

Next day I asked her about this boy and if she knew him (I didn't mention id checked her phone but I think shed had an idea) she said she didn't know him and that he was asking her to meet him and that she had blocked him that morning as she felt uncomfortable. I said to her she had done the right thing by blocking him.

I thought that was the end of that. But again i check her phone last night when shes asleep and shes been messaging him again last night confirming she is his girlfriend. He asked for her number and she refused to give him it again. He however has given his number on one of his messages to her which I am tempted to ring or pass to ceops as it could be anyone.

This morning I wasn't ready to talk about it with her so I took her phone off her she asked why and i and said we will talk about it later. She was upset this morning going to school (first day back in after being off for half term) I dont think she wanted to talk about it either.

I really don't know how to approach this with her. I don't want to go in all guns blazing as I fear that will do more damage in the long term. I don't mind her having a phone as she chats to her school friends on it which I am happy with. Its just this has totally has freaked me out.

Does anybody have any advice how to approach this please? Her dad says we should take the phone off her indefinitely as she is obviously too young. I am inclined to agree but was just wondering if anybody has and advice?

Thanks

I agree with her dad and with reporting to ceop. A 9 year old having unsupervised Internet access is insane.

My god that is scary OP. My first thought is this '10 year old boy' is very likely a grown man and this could be grooming. I hope someone knowledgable comes sling with some great advice soon as mind would be police or one of those online organisations that sets up pedophiles and hands then over to the police.

I agree with her dad. 9 is far too young for unsupervised internet access.

I agree that she should have the phone taken away. I work with children your daughter's age and they are vulnerable. This person could be anyone and the fact he is talking about sex is very worrying. I know that children like the idea of having 'boyfriends/girlfriends' but they don't have the maturity to understand what it really means.

I am also concerned that she is on Instagram. Has she put many photos of herself on there? I would advise taking them down if she has and encouraging her to post photos of more general things like nature/scenery.

Definitely report the phone number to the police or child protection. This does not sound like the talk of a 10 year old boy.

9yos do not need internet on anything apart from a communal family pc/tablet in a living roomor similar.

Get her a cheap old payg handset if a phone is even needed, and keep all internet use in the communal areas of the house on a family device.

absolutely report without hesitation. Remove her smart phone and replace with a thick one, today.
www.ceop.police.uk/

Agree CEOPs. Perhaps a call to the non emergency number?

It may be that you can explain that her "bf" is not what he seems, and that she needs more guidance. Someone with more experience will be along I hope.

Everyone is different, but I don't think a 9yo needs a phone. Don't think any if DS1's friends have one....year 5. London primary. He will get a basic one when he goes to secondary.

What about a conversation and a downgrade of phone (although I'd just remove it).

You need to talk up your daughter and set up rules that she needs to stick too if she wants to continue using her phone and Instagram, firstly tell her that this person is a stranger and you are uncomfortable with her talking to him and his pestering her isn't right and that it could well be a man, not a nice boy like she's thinking and then you need to have her agree that she'll only follow friends she knows and let them follow her. There's a setting on Instagram that doesn't allow people to follow you unless you allow them so make sure that setting is on to stop random people following and messaging her and then she needs to be told she'll only be allowed to carry on using it if only adds school friends/people she knows in real life and that if she breaks that then it will be taken off her till she's older and can be trusted. Had to do same with my daughter,when she wanted to start using websites where interact with other kids and social media sites I told her the same and now on Facebook I still know her password if I feel the need to check and if a stranger tries to friend request her she will tell me and show me who it is (she's not as young as 9 or she wouldn't be using Facebook lol )
Just got to give some guidance of what she can and can't do and if she don't listen then she'll know the consequences -no phone, no Instagram etc

your dd is far too young to have an instagram account. Actually you are supposed to be 13 to sign up to instagram, and while many children do have these things younger than that nine is most definitely far too young.

I agree re reporting to ceop and also with taking away her smartphone and revisiting again in a couple of years when she is older. Ime most don't get mobile phones until they go into y6 or even secondary so at nine she is very young to even have a mobile phone.

Give her bog standard phone that just makes calls and sends texts.

Ring CEOP, I agree with DH, it's v v unlikely that it is a 10 year old boy, he is right.

Look at the NSPCC website (search for Internet safety), they offer good advice. They have a short video cartoon 'Lucy and the boy' which might be a good point to start discussions with your dd about this boy. I think 9 is too young for unsupervised Internet access. A basic call/text phone would be better if she needs a phone at all, even then watch it as kids can still bully others by text.