what do you do if your 3 yr old refuses to use potty?

[sansouci]

We're now at our wits' end. Ds says no potty, most emphatically. Screams if we put him on it. Now trying bribery ("I'll give you a new car-car and some choccy") and even threats ("I'll be very cross with you if you go poo-poo in your nappy!"). Nothing works!!!

Wait till he wants to use it?

Sorry to state the bleeding obvious but what else can you do? And it is really simple at this age when they do decide they want to. I would leave him to it.

Have you tried him on the loo, do it on the quiet though, when you are brushing your teeth.

My ds is the same. He will use the toilet if I tell him to but won't do it by himself.
Bribery didn't work, and I tried telling him off but he just looks sad and says "sorry mummy"
I ask him why he weed in his pull ups and he says "because I was busy playing" or "because my willy is empty now"
I've actually given up now - he's won, I can't be arsed any more

Leave him alone until he wants to go. Our dd wasn't interested at all at 3y3m. Any suggestions ended up in tears. At 3y4m she decided she wasn't having a nappy anymore. She still refused to have anything to do with a potty. 3 days later she was clean and dry and using the toilet.

my ds1 toilet trained 'late' (after 3yo) and went straight to the toilet, was never very interested in the potty. Ds2 is out of nappies although he still wets himself a lot, and he prefers using the toilet most of the time too. We have those toilet seats which go on top of a normal sized seat, so that it's a better size for small bums, and a step so it's easy for them to get on and off themselves.

Certainly with both of my boys they never took very kindly to other people's suggestions that they go and 'try' - even when it's pretty obvious from the dancing around that they are actually desperate for a wee . They are both far happier deciding for themselves when it's time to go. Although that might mean lots of wet pants because they've left it too late, I prefer it to everyone getting stressed because I'm reminding them too often.

I was furious this morning when ds pooed his nappy yet again. I really lost it! Dh changed him & showered him while I ranted that I would never change ds again, that as far as I'm concerned, he can stay in his sh*tty nappies until his daddy comes home to change him, etc, etc. I also threw out his paccies, right in front of him, shouting it was time for him to grow up & that I don't want a baby around anymore! I also got after dd for playing rather than eating her breakfast & getting dressed. I'm in a foul mood & now feel guilty as well. I don't understand his behaviour at all. What possible gratification can he get from crapping in his pants?! Everyone gets cross, including his nursery mistress, who's pg & also refuses to change him (her assistant does it). I even made an appointment with the paed, who suggested we consult a child psychologist. (WTF!?) Should I just leave ds alone? Should I continue to change him or just leave him to stew in it all day? It seems cruel but he's perfectly capable of going on the toilet as he's demonstrated a couple of times. Sorry to rant & rave on like this but I'm feeling a bit desperate atm.

Grow up? He's three!!!! Sorry not to be more helpful, but he is still is a baby! Normally try to avoid arguementative threads, but come on! Go give him a cuddle and don't beat yourself up either - we all lose it occassionally. Hope your day gets better ((((huggsss)))

I waited until dd was ready... forgot all about it for a while and tried again. One time she decided she would do it and we never only had 2 accidents ever (including during the night)

You think I'm being immature for being so upset about this? Okay. Fine. But the paed thinks we should take him to a shrink? If it's so normal for a 3 yr old to poo his nappies all the time, why am I getting so much aggro from just about everyone around us?

Did your ds suffer any bowel problems when he was younger? my dd suffered terribly with constipation and I put her issues around the toilet down to that (we still have some issues, she's 4 now)

sansouci I haven't got any advice but everyone keeps asking me when I'm going to potty train 2.7 ds. Why can't believe mind their own business!!

You are not being immature, just upset! Try to ignore everyone around you. Read the messages in the thread - other people have been there. Do you have a decent HV? If so, give her a call and have a chat - she may be able to help.

I'm sure someone will come along with better advice soon.

Take care.

Some MNers may remember that ds was seriously ill last November with an infection in his spine. He was hospitalised for 2 weeks, on an IV drip of antibiotics + 6 weeks of oral antibiotics & pain relief, in a body cast until Feb & then in a plastic corset till June. It was dreadful for him. I must remember that! but I still can't get my head around the why of this potty issue. He's perfectly capable, seems "normal" & happy, with motor skills even beyond what we could expect for a child his age.

DD1 uses the toilet when she sees fit. She has peed and pooed in the toilet. At nursery school.

She refuses to do it for us.

Why I don't knwo.

DH kept rabbiting on about it.

I told him to just drop all mention of the loo for a couple of days and see how it goes.

She's 3.4.

Sansouci, didn't know about your sons illness - did it impact his toilet habits?

Sounds like the paed and everyone else round you needs to see a shrink not your ds. Has he ever been constipated? Could it be encopresis? He almost certainly isn't doing it just to upset you unless that's the only way he can get attention. As I said earlier my dd wasn't interested at all until 3y4m and then came out of nappies, no fuss or anything in 3 days. However, I have a dd being treated from the age of 4 for bowel problems who still soils now at nearly 7. She doesn't do it on purpose. She can't help it. So I know how frustrating it can be. However at 3, it is more than likely that your ds just isn't ready. You shouting at him is going to make it worse. Be the grown up here, he is 3 and he can't help it.

By trying to bribe and shouting you have immediately given him the power. Leave it for a while. If he is dry at night that is great and it makes it sound more that he has found something to push your buttons.

Soooo, if I want to change my stance with ds & this potty training & just leave him to decide himself, what do I do to make up for my inconsistency? Raving & shouting in the morning, all smiles & "that's okay, dear" in the afternoon? I've heard the worst thing for a child is an inconsistant parent. There are days when I really wish I wasn't a SAHM - especially if I earned a whopping £250k .

You've already been inconsistent. Bribing and shouting. Make today a fresh start. No fuss.

Sansouci --- Please please listen to this

Take a deep breath

I totally understand your frustration and how upset you are about this .. I really do but you've now backed yourself into this corner of frustration

Can you consider giving yourself a time-scale... I think there are some definite stages you now need to go through

FIRST (and most important) you are stuck in a vicious circle there is a huge amount of attention being paid to this one thing .. give up for ONE MONTH ... give yourself the timescale ... for the next month nappies are OK .. no problem .. don't worry about it .. stop making it an issue ... changes with no interaction

SECOND .. get a book out about digestion .. soem of those I wonder why books are good and start talking to DS (in a couple of weeks not now) about food and how it makes you strong and you put it in your mouth it goes down to tummy and intestines where all the goodness is taken out (you can play with the intestines bit cos they swoop and curl etc) make it fun .. get him to understand where his energy comes from .. and once he's got all the goodness there's only rubbish left which must come out the body as poo

THIRD .. allow your children to see you both on the toilet

FOURTH ... in about a month or 2 take DS on a special shopping trip to choose pants

Make wearing the pants his own business ..

Then try again

Honestly I think the first time I potty trained it was so very important to me and I got so very uptight about it .. almost as though other people would judge me and my parenting ability on whether or not my child defecated on the toilet

It really isn't so very important

2nd time around I couldn't be bothered at all .. I'd already proved to myself I could do it .. and it really made no difference

gosh this is long .. hope some of it helps

Great advice Twiglett.

Thank you so very much, Twiglett. Big breath taken! Jokes aside, you've given me something concrete & sensible to work on. I love the idea of a time-scale. It makes great sense. Finally! Whew!

ps juuule, are you completely consistent? tell me how you do it!

Good luck!

Never said I was consistent Just pointing out that you had nothing to lose by changing tack now and then sticking to it if it was consistency that you were concerned about. It's not always possible to be consistent and I sometimes think it's not always a good thing anyway. Hopefully things will improve in the next few weeks for you.