Advice, please, on how to handle this

[OinkBalloon]

3dc, 8, 12, 14

I have dreadful backache, and made the mistake of staying in bed today (I know, mobility is better, but sometimes you just flake out).

In that time, two have come up for a cuddle or to ask for something. None have asked how I am or asked whether I have had breakfast. When I asked one to unload the dishwasher he went off in a huff. Needless to say, dishwasher has not been unloaded.

I just asked either of the elder to go into town for me (15min walk) to get a spare part for my TENS machine. "Can't he/she do it?".

I'm shocked and ashamed of my own dc.

I don't know how to deal with this.

They are kids... do you really think they would be running round the house cleaning or worrying how you are? Lol... my 8 year would be on the sofa, surrounded by food and glued to Minecraft... the 12 yr would probably still be in her bed, with ipad and not have even noticed I wasn't up!

I don't expect housekeeping from them, but I do expect a degree of concern or compassion for their mum, plus doing what they're asked!

I think you are expecting a lot. Children are selfish little buggers and I think you are feeling sorry for yourself that you don't have another adult to look after you. Maybe they are feeling pretty put out that there is no one to make their breakfast for them and mother them today. It can be quite scary having the one person who kees the ship running being out of action.

I do think children are narcissists and generally lack empathy for how parents are feeling. My DD is amazing at being kind when I'm ill, but my DS is like a tiny psychopath - expecting me to do all for him even when he can see how ill I am.

Even so - my kind DD would very much begrudge unloading the dishwasher or having to do a chore. To the point where I do feel I need to start 'training' her more to do these things when i don't 'need' her to do them. If you never really expect much of them when times are good, then they will certainly be little disappointing angels when times are bad (unfortunately).

I think a suitable 'punishment' for your DS would be that he has to unload the dishwasher for the next month. And for the elder - perhaps in future you can make the errand a bit more entertaining for them by getting them to buy (say) a bag of chocolate at the same time to share when they get back. (Not sure if that is too babyish - but you know what I mean!)

Hope your back is better soon. How rotten for you.

Do people really expect so little from their dc?

Helpng out with household tasks aren't unreasonable or unusual requests. Sometimes they're fulfilled willingly, sometimes resentfully, but they are part of the day-to-day business of being part of a family.

I haven't got my dc's breakfast or supervised them at breakfast in a couple of years. Youngest is very independent and likes sorting himself out.

I accept, though, that I'm probably feeling a bit resentful at being everyone else's looker-after, and not having anyone looking after me when I'm down.

Just to check - am I 'people'?

I do think you have a very good point Oink. Your DCs are quite a bit older than mine and I would be really angry with the lack of help.

My DD is 11 and helps with emptying the dishwasher, feeding and maintaining her pets, cleaning her room, putting away laundry and hoovering. If she had been as grumpy as your DCs sounded I would have banned TV for a week (in theory - in practice it prob would have been 3 days!) and piled on more chores.

My DS is 6, and still has chores like setting tables, cleaning away, doing his room etc.

You are right, too little is expected of our kids and that is why I'm saying that if they aren't used to doing things regularly then they will have a good old moan at precisely the wrong time. I hope you will be able to teach yours a little more empathy, but it can be hard.

Lemony, I agree that we should train our dc to do things even if we don't need help, but not just so that it is normal for them to help when we do need help. Helping at home should just be part of being a member of a family. I don't see myself as a maid or general dogsbody, and I certainly don't want my future DILs to be lumbered with men who don't know how to share the load.

Cross-posted.

My daughter is 5 and when I am feeling poorly she asks what can she do to make me feel better! Ouch OP - hope your back improves soon

You will be a great MIL then! You are totally right, I think that the dogsbody thing often seems to happen by accident and it's not actually that fair on the kids.

I have a student who lives part time with us and sometimes I despair. When she arrived she didn't know how to strip a bed and wash the bedclothes (I caught her the second time trying to cram the entire duvet and pillows into the washing machine !). She washed up just by rinsing and put the cups upwards so they'd never dry (FFS). She left a trail of crumbs wherever she went. I wonder what the hell the mum had been teaching her! She'd never even emptied a dishwasher - and she's 21!! I've had to gently de-programme her so that she is tolerable to live with.

Doing chores does them a favour in the long run.

All my older 3 have their own daily jobs to do. Dishwasher, table setting/clearing, bringing clothes to washing machine and sorting into correct piles. They do alsorts they don't independently go and do it but once asked will. I Hope you're better soon so you can start training your kids